[Miss Laura]

Hey guys,

I think this sits here if not Mods know best

I have a CPN- Community Psychiatric Nurse I use to see him fortnightly. However I last saw him a month ago. I saw him today. He has a new role within his job and this means I do not see him as much as I should. He has said he wants to keep me on as his case which means a lot to me as I really like him.

But.... Today when he was talking to me before we closed for the session, he said something about bringing in a new nurse for a session to change over and bring that nurse up to speed on the case. He then said for his other cases. He wants to follow me through. I think he is gonna ditch me. I just sat there and nodded..... I am such an idiot why didn't I ask him if he means me??? I have only been seeing him since late January and have only had 7 sessions with him. He spoke about how I am not hypo-manic today but have been recently and he was concerned about the side effects I was having. Said he was not concerned about the risk I pose to myself as I seem to not have any unwanted ideas etc. Which is true, I have felt suicidal but managed to ignore them.

My question is what do I do if I call up to speak to him and he isn't there? He has said I can call him any time and I have numbers I can call. I have had to call twice in March as I was suicidal and was close to s/h'in. But now I don't know if he will even be in the building as he is job sharing for his new role.

Am I being ditched by my CPN soon?

I am angry at myself, I am so upset just wanna cry I am so pathetic

[Christina86]

Call him and ask! Definitely. Giving conflicting messages sucks. If he isn't there, leave a message for him to call you back.

[PleaseHelp]

I can see where you would be confused. I think it might be a good idea to call him and get clarification. Let him know how you are feeling.

You are not pathetic and its OK to cry. Do you know why you are upset with yourself?

[Miss Laura]

I feel like he will think I am a loser if I call and ask him what do I do if I need to call him and he isn't there!! Am I being too needy???

I am upset with myself cause I promised myself I would never ever get needy and pathetic again. It took me a few months to get over my ex Counsellor who I had for 7 months.

My Friend thinks I am better and that he is probably doing this cause I don't need him as much as I did in January. But the truth is..... I amn't I have pretended to be ok cause I want to go back to work. I want him to think I am ok and that everything is fine, I dont want him to see the real me. I am struggling with things and I just don't know how to say it!!

I feel like I am a loser for being like this. I just don't know why I can't say what is happening. I wish i could talk but I can't

[PleaseHelp]

I don't think you are being needy by calling and asking for clarification. If you have a hard time saying how you are feeling, what about writing it down and showing him? I have done that before when I just couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud. After my T read it we discussed what I wrote and why I was feeling that way. Just a suggestion.

I don't think you are a loser at all.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Pleasehelp

I guess I can write it down, that's probably logical huh!! I feel stupid for thinking this. I just want to be ok!!

I might call him tomorrow and see if I can get a bit of clarification. When I sit in the room I kinda feel under the light. I really like him and he isn't mean or anything to me. He asked me questions today that he has never asked before. Mania and staying up late. He said is it bad behaviour or Mania when I stay up late??? I was kinda like wow never heard him ask me this before. I said it's a bit of both depending on how I have been feeling thdat day. He said bad behaviour is not good and I have to distinguish between good and bad behaviour when manic etc.

I feel safe when I talk to him and can talk about my s/h'in and suicidal thinking without feeling embarrassed.

I just think I needed to get it out so thank you guys for chatting with me.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

I feel like he will think I am a loser if I call and ask him what do I do if I need to call him and he isn't there!! Am I being too needy???

When I complained to my T that I had become too needy with her, she explained that that is when we have finally realized that we need help. There is nothing wrong with needing help. We get subtle and not so subtle messages in our society these days that we must be independent and not need anybody at anytime.

But, just like when the earth is moving during an earthquake, we reach out to hold onto something sturdy so we don't fall but when the earth stops shaking we no longer need that support.

Likewise, when we're on shaky ground emotionally, it is perfectly natural and necessary that we reach out for support. It is nothing to be ashamed of nor is it something we should avoid. We should hold on as long as needed and then when the support is really not needed anymore, we will automatically let go.

Ask for help when needed. Don't deny yourself.

[PleaseHelp]

Glad you feel a bit better talking about it here.

I didn't occur to me to write how I was feeling. My T actually suggested it! I have been with her awhile now, so I don't do that as often. But I still sometimes do it with my BF, when I just can't seem to get out the words.

We all want to be OK. But I think the key thing is just to try to focus on one day (or minute) at a time.

Keep talking if it will help.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks PleaseHelp,

The thing is he asked if there was anything in my life right now that was different to the last time I saw him and I said no. When infact.... My Great Uncle is close to dying the Priest has read his last rites 3 times, my Twin Sister is possibly moving down to London to be with her Boyfrien in a few months time, at the moment I am off work and no one is able to tell me if I have a job or not, my Mum is still unemployed so money is tight plus on top of that I have these side effects which I told CPN today about and he is concerned about and a lump on throat which I am being sent to the Hospital to get tested at the ENT Department. Think that's it!!

I feel sometimes my life is just a dream and nothing will happen. I am scared to let people in, in RL as they hurt me too much and then I am miserable cause I don't really have many friends in RL

Catch 22

[PleaseHelp]

You have a lot on your plate right now. Sorry to hear about your Great Uncle. Are you close to your twin? (I have twin step-daughters) I know its hard to be without a job, but maybe right now its best so you can get other things in your life figured out. I think it would help to tel your CPN all the things that are going on b/c they all affect your emotional well being and mental state.

I am trying to let more people in RL in, but its hard. I feel more comfortable here. Feel free to PM if you would like to.

[SpiritRunner]

You are not a loser, not needy, not pathetic! It's OK to have needs, to let people in.....sometimes it does mean hurt, but I have seen for myself it hurts more to be lonely than it does to let a few people in and trust them. It's worth the support gained!
I am sorry about the confusion with your current counselor, and all else you have on your plate right now. You have a lot happening! And it's OK to cry if you need to, and OK to ask for help, and OK to ask for clarification from your CPN! Hugs to you!

[Miss Laura]

Hey Suratji,

Sorry never saw your post!!

I guess.... maybe I am finially coming to terms that I am not well all the time and need him to help me help myself. It's scary though huh!!

Thanks PleaseHelp,

We are close.... we still live in the Family home.... we have our moments of sheer fighting lol but we are close. I feel like a 3rd wheel sometimes in our relationship though as she has a Boyfriend and Friends who are all cool but they aren't mines. My CPN thinks I can't handle a job at the moment too so guess maybe he is right about that lol.

It is soooo hard to tell people in RL as you don't want to upset people and or make people feel uncomfortable. I don't want to pose a nuisance to my family and friends.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks PoetGirl,

Your post means a lot to me. I guess when I write everything that has happened/gonna happen in my life down I have a wee bit to sort out huh!! I didn't think I was that bogged down but maybe it's just all sitting in my head sizzling and boiling and bubbling up until I explode.... but I won't explode as I don't want to hurt people. When my Great Uncle dies my Mum is gonna be devastated. He is her last remaining relative from the older Generation. I haven't seen him in about 4 years as he has been so ill and has dementia and reminds me of my Granda who I loved and miss so much... he died 6 years ago. Life is just hard sometimes and I forget people can't see into my head nor sense what is happening in my world

[lastyearisblank]

Please don't be so hard on yourself!

[dizgirl2011]

Hey there,

I can understand your worried about loosing your CPN and theres nothing wrong with ringing to ask him exactly what he meant with what he said to you and if you will be seeing someone new. If you ring and he's not there i'm sure someone will take a message and let him know so he can ring you when he gets back to the office, this is what usually happens if I try to contact my Mental health social worker (who does pretty much the same thing as a CPN would do for me).

If your current CPN has changed jobs and this means he can see you less it might be worth considering that seeing someone new could be of more benefit as they can focus more on you and see you more often...how does that sound?

It does sounds like your current CPN is very caring and wants to do what is best for you, there is nothing wrong having a chat with him over the phone to ask for clarification on your situation and also to add the details you forgot to tell him about everything that is going on in your life at the moment.

(((hugs)))

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Dizgirl2011,

I know, I should contact him. I have had a really good cry tongiht. He thinks my med is needing changed and suggested Lithium. I am scare about going on that. He said he was going to leave my Psych a note about my bad side-effects. I see Psych next Fri(6th) so it's not too long. He is really nice and I really do like working with him. It is hard to say everything in 1 hour so I guess I could just call him up and say "oh I forgot to tell you I am having all these issues within the family". We spoke about my work as that's a major topic for us.

I just hate the unknown which is what life is full of!!

[SpiritRunner]

((((((((MissLaura))))))))
I hate uncertainty and the unknown too.....I think so do most of us. It makes me feel so fragile and I hate feeling fragile! I like to KNOW things so I can have some sense of control.
I am glad you were able to have a good cry, tears can be so cleansing.
I will be thinking of you and hope things improve. A new med is scary but maybe it will help you more!

[Miss Laura]

Hey guys,

Thank you for being so good to me last night. I was feeling really bad/emotional and you guys helped me out.

I haven't called my CPN. I woke up today feeling great. I think I blew it completely out of proprotion. I know my CPN will be there for me and if he isn't there are other people I can talk to. I am gonna be fine

[PleaseHelp]

Glad you are feeling better today. You can always talk to him about everything the next time you see him or call him later when you feel you need to.