o.m.g.

You can do it today. Hope that you were able to get some rest. Let T know what little Zoo needs.

Hi Zoo,
So when you go in today, do you best to communicate with your T in the dear man style. In other words, leave all sarcasm and snarkiness out of it to the best of your ability. You do YOUR part to communicate in a respectful and caring way. It will make a difference. It isn't easy to not get defensive, but you can do it.

A big issue is the phone calling. In my opinion, they should be for coaching only and be on some kind of schedule for the sake of consistency. The other type of phone call should be for real emergencies or in the event you feel you might harm yourself. The phone calls for checking in for reassurance should stop. I say that because it would be better for you as well as her. They haven't ended up well in the past from your postings. There needs to be boundaries to feel safe. Even if you feel like you lose something, you will do better and you will get used to it! Plz talk to her about this.

You can also talk about (in a gentle, kind way) how her sarcasm and snarkiness and even cussing (WTF) is very uncomfortable and unsafe for you. By being sarcastic she is not accepting you unconditionally. (part of DBT) My T and I had the same discussion. He is the one who told me about this.

You and your T will get along much better without the sarcasm and you will feel less need to call for reassurance.

Good luck, be honest, ask for what you need, ask for clarification, even ask for time to talk if you need to. You can do this. It is in the calmer times when you want to make a decision about whether to stay or go.

(((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))))

You are on my mind today....sending all the strength and love I can

((((((((((zoo))))))))))))
I am thinking of you too. I know this is so hard. I know it is probably hard for your T, too. I hope you can be very honest and open with her and she with you and you can get some of this sorted out. It IS worth the effort to try......

I'm nervous but mostly sad. Butterfly, thank you for your reply from the dbt perspective. I am going to write out a dear man this morning.

Two things I want to explore with t today are the idea of taking a break or the idea of setting up scheduled phone contact. I'm thinking twice a week for five or ten minutes. That actually makes me feel a little calmer inside, I don't quite know why. I'm hoping that my t will agree to that. It is something suggested and encouraged in dbt, so maybe she will be OK with it.

I will be thinking about you today, Zoo. Scheduled phone calls sounds like a good idea. I can see why setting up something definite makes you feel calmer. I hope your session provides you with some answers and hope.

I hope it goes well. Will be thinking of you as well

I just wanted to add that I don't think taking a break would be a good idea (not that I want to tell you what you should or shouldn't do). At least not until you feel like you've really resolved these current issues with your t.

Gosh, "harsh and mean?" Those aren't terms which should EVER be used within the therapeutic context. Harsh and mean is why we go to therapy.....because others have been that way with us!

She sounds as if SHE has issues. Even if she felt you were harsh and mean; she shouldn't have said that; it isn't supposed to be a friendship where SHE is hurt?!

T's are trained to listen to a client's anger, rage.....whatever....they hear and be able to not take it personally (like one would if it were 2 friends).....and ask good questions, etc.......

Thinking about you this morning zoo....you'll be ok.

Zoo..... was just re-reading what you wrote yesterday and a thought came to mind. Last week when T and I were discussing what was going on with us, I asked her if she could do it all over again, what would she change or do differently about the way she approached stopping phone calls with me. She paused for a minute, said, "I guess that's a fair question" , then went on to explain the way she would've approached it differently. Her answer really helped calm me and made me feel like she really did understand why I was upset and how talking about it with me instead of just mandating it me would've been so much more beneficial for me. That experience really helped me in many ways- especially with the idea that I'm not the only one admits they could've done things in a better way. It always seems to me like I'm the one that has to 'give in' and do things to keep the peace. It was very comforting to see T admit she blew it and then hear that she got it because she could explain to me how she'd change it if she could.

maybe you can also have some "rules" about the (scheduled) phone calls too.. kind of like the don't-go-to-bed-angry rule, don't hang up if either of you is angry, hurt, confused, etc.

you gotta be kidding, I was cheering you ALL THE WAY. You stood up for yourself, you let T know exactly where you are, you didn't let her slide out of her responsibilities.
I respect the way you say that she is trying and that's good - Zoo that is tremendous on your part - you are doing well with this. Don't get tripped up over the shoulds and oughts.

Your pockets are bulging with good wishes and prayers from PC friends, I want to add mine

I'm leaving in about an hour. Been writing down random thoughts and feelings since yesterday, I think I will try to combine them into some sort of agenda for me to follow while I'm there.

I have a real sense that these last 2 sessions have been mostly focused on T and HER needs (to set limits, etc) and her wants. I think it's fair for me to want the focus to shift back to me and back to helping me cope with my life and my feelings. I am going to set some boundaries of my own, and one of those is that I will keep in mind that T is a real person with other clients and life outside of work, but that I don't have to worry about those things. She is the T and the one with the experience, skills, and resources (both inner and outer) to deal with both her life and her role as my therapist. I can't cloud my thinking with worries about her stress level or her other clients or her home life, etc etc.

You are right, it's not your responsibility to take care of your T. It's her responsibility to take care of herself, which she hasn't been doing very well because she doesn't have the boundaries in place to keep herself healthy and not at risk for burn out. Limits are extremely important for both of your sakes.

I think you probably did fine with that one since you're here telling us about your experiences so well. What a wringer to have to go through! I'm glad you are getting another "chance" tomorrow to keep working and a bit of a "do over" for today.

well, you got me there, Perna. I did not actually forget to breathe, but I definitely forgot to breathe DEEP and to be mindful of my breath. That's something I am trying to learn and to do in the heat of the moment. It helps me stay grounded and not get so swirly and floaty in my head.