Session Thursday

sounds very intense and even cleansing??? does that make sense. kinda like you still have to deal with the memory, but that yes, the soul pain may be healed just a litte bit???

WePow you are such a strong person and i am glad t was with you and you had the courage to tell t what you wanted in keeping your original appt...

sending safe hugs!!!

I feel so dirty now inside. I really dispise the shame emotion that happens when telling these secrets. ugggg. I know it will pass. But I hate it!

wow, WePow, what intense work you did today! yes, the shame emotion will pass and you will get to feel the cleansing freedom of not having that huge hard trauma locked inside anymore.......

(((((WePow)))))

I have always loved your name because I think it is so positive and strong: "We Powerful!!!"

(((((((Sunrise))))) Thank you :-) It is actually my real name - well the first parts. LOL. I am not original with screennames. But I don't feel powerful most of the time. In fact, usually I feel very weak. But I am a fighter.

Woke up wih shame gone - thankfully. Now I am angy though. Part of the healing, I know.

i'm glad those yuck feelings are going away.i hope you are taking your advice and being kind to you

I'm glad that you had a healing though difficult session and that you're feeling better about it now. You're such an inspiration to me!!!

I wrote my precious T last night... I needed his words to help me heal from that aweful event. And he gave me what I needed the most.

~~~~~~~~
T,

Can you email me back just something small from your heart for me to hold onto tightly the next few days?

I know I will be ok and just have to let this all process fully.
The pain is not yet all cried out. Cried some again before I left your parkinglot - I WANTED so badly to run back into your office and just I don't know! I just wanted to be with you when it was hurting because you make it feel better.

But this pain inside and deep shame is so so nasty and such a horrid place to be in.
I feel so so so strongly the urge to SI but won't do it. I can live through this pain and I know all that does is postpone what I have to feel. This isn't fair. This is so totally not fair!

I figured out why I am so pulled to my T right now emotionally but afraid too... because when I was hurt, naturally I wanted my daddy. By the time I was eight, I had started to find out the hard way that I could not trust the comfort my father gave me.

Today when I left session, you gave me another safe hug. I wanted so desperately in my heart to just lay my head on your chest and just cry and be safe. But my adult self knows you are my T and you keep me safe. But the emotion was so so big inside. And I see now that is because on that night I wanted so badly to tell on that bad man!!! I was in shock.

But I couldn't go to my daddy and tell him. I couldn't tell my mommy at all - she was already mad for me getting lost! I was FORCED to keep it inside. That part of me that became Mick.

I wish I had a tape to play over and over you telling Mick thank you for holding that. But I can hear it in my head.

W
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My T wrote me back:

W

((Some very private but meaningful words))

...
You were a child.

You did nothing wrong.

It is not your fault.

T

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:-) I love my T.

Proud of you WePow, thanks for sharing!

Hey Wepow,

I think it's so amazing how you can be so open and honest with your therapist about your most painful and intimate feelings from within and I think that is so honourable and takes so much courage! You Therapist sounds like a wonderful person who is there for you all the way and who will support you to the upmost of his ability.

I am so glad he sent a message back as you did so well to tell him how you felt.

I am sorry for the pain that was inflicted upon you as a child, a beautiful child who deserved nothing but happiness and you were so brave to survive it and I think you deserve big safe hugs for all your strength and courage!

i'm so sorry so many bad things happened to you and i am glad your T sent you such a great responce it must be so hard to be sitting with all this another week.

My impression, from my own reactions, is that the "shame" really is fear, fear that one will be found out and punished for "telling". The one you are telling on, who has gotten inside you, did not think that telling the truth could be anything but bad for him (or her), so they hid it and tried to make you hide it too. It simply came from their fear (which, considering how our parents were raised was probably not unfounded).

((((Pachy)))) you are so right. The man did threaten to follow me and home and ... well I felt my life and the life of my family was at great risk.

I am actually doing great this weekend. Just keep reading what my T told me.
He knows just what I need to hear. And I believe him. So this has been one of the best weekends I have ever had. I am even starting to study for some work / career stuff for myself.

It feels so strange to finally actually be free enough on the inside where I can taste what living may be like! Trauma work is the hardest thing a person has to do for themselves I think. But it has been the most healing and has given me a new inner life. Finally - PEACE !!

what can i say i am so glad you are able to feel this way and i so hope you are able to hold on to it for a long long time .you so deserve so much pece in your life and you have been working so hard for it.much love and many safe hugs