[Elana05]

How do you pick up and go about your day while mad at your T?

I really felt the pull to get up and walk out of therapy today. I thought to myself, "Well Elana, you've never done that before, maybe it's time to just get up and walk out. Then she'll see how you really feel!" But I didn't get up. I just sat there in that darned silence. I dislike that silence in therapy. Mainly because I can hear the sound of dollars flying by as I sit there. But I do know sometimes silence is all we have in us. It's all I had in me I think because I felt so confused and defensive. I just felt like we weren't connecting...
The depression has been making me feel pretty foggy and short of attention lately. Yet somehow I have also had these intense images from my childhood in the past few days. So I thought maybe I should bring up some early childhood stuff with T. What happened was... Well, when I was little (up to age 4) I lived with my mom and dad in a house in another state. But then when I was 4 my mom and dad divorced and she whisked me off to another state pretty far away. So I often have these images of my old house which I miss intensely. I associate that house with feeling more free and feeling like a kid. I think I have funneled a lot of this emotion into the place itself because I find myself actually intensely missing the neighborhood, the house itself, the environment, the locale.
When my T heard me talk about this she said I was "idealizing" my childhood. She asked if maybe I should accept that my parents were never good parents, even during this time that I keep referring to...
I guess I just shut down. I explained that I didn't think I was "idealizing" it. Hearing what she said made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I was at least able to tell her I was feeling defensive.
I just don't know.
I don't know how to process these feelings.
And sometimes I feel like my T is so terse and harsh and not gentle.
Like I'm already feeling anger over things I lost in my childhood -
and now I feel angry at T for not "getting it!"
But to be honest... I'm not even sure what she's not "getting" - it just all feels confusing. In summary, I feel both disgruntled and confused.
At least I told her that as I left.
But now I feel so disconnected from her. I don't really want to see her anymore and I don't care to go back. I will.
But grumpy about it.

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by Elana05

How do you pick up and go about your day while mad at your T?

I really felt the pull to get up and walk out of therapy today. I thought to myself, "Well Elana, you've never done that before, maybe it's time to just get up and walk out. Then she'll see how you really feel!" But I didn't get up. I just sat there in that darned silence. I dislike that silence in therapy. Mainly because I can hear the sound of dollars flying by as I sit there. But I do know sometimes silence is all we have in us. It's all I had in me I think because I felt so confused and defensive. I just felt like we weren't connecting...
The depression has been making me feel pretty foggy and short of attention lately. Yet somehow I have also had these intense images from my childhood in the past few days. So I thought maybe I should bring up some early childhood stuff with T. What happened was... Well, when I was little (up to age 4) I lived with my mom and dad in a house in another state. But then when I was 4 my mom and dad divorced and she whisked me off to another state pretty far away. So I often have these images of my old house which I miss intensely. I associate that house with feeling more free and feeling like a kid. I think I have funneled a lot of this emotion into the place itself because I find myself actually intensely missing the neighborhood, the house itself, the environment, the locale.
When my T heard me talk about this she said I was "idealizing" my childhood. She asked if maybe I should accept that my parents were never good parents, even during this time that I keep referring to...
I guess I just shut down. I explained that I didn't think I was "idealizing" it. Hearing what she said made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I was at least able to tell her I was feeling defensive.
I just don't know.
I don't know how to process these feelings.
And sometimes I feel like my T is so terse and harsh and not gentle.
Like I'm already feeling anger over things I lost in my childhood -
and now I feel angry at T for not "getting it!"
But to be honest... I'm not even sure what she's not "getting" - it just all feels confusing. In summary, I feel both disgruntled and confused.
At least I told her that as I left.
But now I feel so disconnected from her. I don't really want to see her anymore and I don't care to go back. I will.
But grumpy about it.

When I read your post I certainly could relate.My childhood was difficult and I have only a few things that I remember as being positive. Sometimes those are the only things I have to hold on to that were good things. I would be upset if someone, even my T tried to discredit those good things.If I am not remembering them correctly, then it is going to take longer than an off handed comment to make me understand how I am seeing it incorrectly. I am not ready to let them go. Sending you safe hugs.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Elana,

It's ok to be mad with your T, they aren't always right and sometimes they can say the wrong thing, which can feel upsetting or make us feel angry at them.

Personally I don't know if she can really make the judgement that your parents were never good parents to you. What do you think made her think this? How do you feel about it? You say you feel defensive, would that be because she is wrong or maybe hit a sensitive issue for you?

I think many people idealise their childhood, but it doesn't mean they are unjustified to do so. For a child even something small like being bought an ice cream or having a great day at the beach can truely be amazing and just because as an adult those things may not seem like they would be...it doesn't mean that they didn't mean the world at the time! No childhood is ideal because life never is but you are allowed to have good memories and to keep them as that, just as you are allowed to have bad ones. Do you think you may be able to write down all your feelings or even just print out this post and give it to your therapist?

When you say you don't feel connected with your therapist, do you always feel this?

(((hugs))))

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

When you say you don't feel connected with your therapist, do you always feel this?

Thanks dizgirl. No not at all. Just lately. I usually don't have too much good to say about my parents... because, well, I suppose that's what therapy is for. They're not bad people. They have just had their own problems to deal with in life, so mistakes were made. They never really dealt with their issues. Instead they both drink a lot each night to numb out. Still, as long as I have been alive.
I do think they were better at being parents back then. Why? Idk. Maybe it was new to them and they weren't jaded yet...

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by Elana05

Thanks dizgirl. No not at all. Just lately. I usually don't have too much good to say about my parents... because, well, I suppose that's what therapy is for. They're not bad people. They have just had their own problems to deal with in life, so mistakes were made. They never really dealt with their issues. Instead they both drink a lot each night to numb out. Still, as long as I have been alive.
I do think they were better at being parents back then. Why? Idk. Maybe it was new to them and they weren't jaded yet...

Hey,

what has happened lately to have changed the connection between you and your Therapist?
I understand that you talk about the problems you have had with your parents in therapy because thats what bothers you, it's not nesscarily that there aren't good things also. You say you were 1-3 years when you lived with both parents as a child. At that age your memories aren't as complex as an adults, not to say they arent acurate - as they most likely are as children do absorb a lot - but you wouldnt have been fully aware of your parents interactions or how good they were as parents generally, just about how they were with you and how you felt, so you very well could feel they were good parents then, which may be correct or may not fully encompase the full situation either, its hard to know but I think if you feel they were then go with that

May i ask if you still live with your parents?

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

May i ask if you still live with your parents?

God, no. I live with my partner now in another state.
Thanks for your insight...
I guess I just have to work through this. My feeling was that I just wanted my T to be more sympathetic and understanding. Instead she seemed very analytical and business like today and for the past few sessions. This has its place too. I have had several "rifts" with her over the past few weeks and I haven't brought them up. I think its time to do that. Ugg! But I don't want to. To be honest, she intimidates me. She comes across as being very forceful and I am afraid I will make her mad. Good reason to bring these things up though...

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by Elana05

God, no. I live with my partner now in another state.
Thanks for your insight...
I guess I just have to work through this. My feeling was that I just wanted my T to be more sympathetic and understanding. Instead she seemed very analytical and business like today and for the past few sessions. This has its place too. I have had several "rifts" with her over the past few weeks and I haven't brought them up. I think its time to do that. Ugg! But I don't want to. To be honest, she intimidates me. She comes across as being very forceful and I am afraid I will make her mad. Good reason to bring these things up though...

Hey, I know how it feels when you want someone to be sympathetic and understanding but you get a more cold, calculated answer than you hope for. I think when we share about childhood also we hope to get a response that is gentle to that part of us. I can imagine it's hard to trust someone you feel intimidating at times? xxx

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Elana05

I often have these images of my old house which I miss intensely. I associate that house with feeling more free and feeling like a kid. I think I have funneled a lot of this emotion into the place itself because I find myself actually intensely missing the neighborhood, the house itself, the environment, the locale.

Ouch!

When I was reading the above I was getting into your story and thinking "she associates this better time in her life to this house" and then you wrote what your T said and I felt like I was slapped across the face!

Wow, it seems like she isn't meeting you where you are at, entering into your experiences. What a grump!

Yes, I do hope you chose to have that conversation with her about things that have been bothering you. It could really improve things for you. Keep us posted.........

[Elana05]

Hi Sannah,

Thanks for your response.
After saying that, my T did then ask me to describe the images I often saw... Which I did, and of course started to cry. They mean so much to me: the yard, the home, the neighborhood, the weather in that part of the country (much different from where I live now). But then I wonder if I don't put too much into these thoughts... I imagine this place as a home I can never return to. It represents so much. I just wonder if it would be helpful to try to imagine what this place and these images mean to me, what they represent to me... But my T seemed to make this sweeping statement -- as if I should brush it all away and be done with it, you know? What was my response supposed to be, "yeah, I'm just idealizing my childhood, let's move on to the next problem." Sheesh. It helps to write about it. I'm so confused because I don't want to "tell T how to do her job." But on the other hand, I know it is important to tell her when she isn't getting something right. I have often thought that if she isn't getting something right I need to explain just what she isn't getting right. But maybe I don't! Maybe it's enough to say, "I don't know what about this didn't feel right but it just didn't." However, even when I write that statement here I feel very wrong.

I understand what it feels like when T doesn't focus enough attention on something that we feel needs to be looked at. After in therapy with the same T for 14 months, I have just got up the nerve recently to start expressing when I want to focus on something that she sort of "Dismisses". I felt like a weight was lifted when she appreciated the feedback I gave her. I know its hard to do, but try to keep in mind that talk therapy is supposed to be "client controlled" and you have every right to express you're need to look at certain things. I wish you luck in you're next visit. Thinkin of ya!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Elana05

I just wonder if it would be helpful to try to imagine what this place and these images mean to me, what they represent to me...

But my T seemed to make this sweeping statement -- as if I should brush it all away and be done with it, you know?

I don't want to "tell T how to do her job."

But on the other hand, I know it is important to tell her when she isn't getting something right.

I have often thought that if she isn't getting something right I need to explain just what she isn't getting right.

Maybe it's enough to say, "I don't know what about this didn't feel right but it just didn't."

However, even when I write that statement here I feel very wrong.

I think that you need to tell T this and that it is very important to do so.