My T and "those" thoughts TRIGGER

I have been calling my T the last couple of days. Everything has gone to hell. I am having "those" thoughts again. I want to drink and cut and more. I am trying so hard. I told my T I am having bad thoughts and want to drink and stuff. When I went to my pdoc appt. he was going to give me Ativan, which I have abused before. I told him that if he gives it to me, I will take it all and drink and just, in general, get blitzed. My T was proud of me for telling the pdoc about the Ativan. Although now I am starting to regret it. I love my T. I hope I can make it till next week. It is getting harder and harder to fake it. I can only be my real self in T where I don;'t have to hide the depression and anxiety.

i think telling your prodoc about the adivan was so strong and awsome of you,as hard as it was you still did it and you are talking to your T.breathe and keep going.day by day.are you able to ask your T for an earlier or extra apointment.i hope you are feeling better soon

Hey Lauru,

(((massive hugs))) I am glad your therapist has been able to support you and I think it's great that even though you feel the very strong urges to harm yourself that you were able to stand back from the situation and act in your best interests by telling the Pdoc about the Ativan and the chances you would abuse it again, that cannot have been easy when feeling the way you do.

When is your next appointment with your T?

I also feel like the only place I am real is either on my own or with my T, so I can relate to that very much!

Thanks. I could ask for an additional appt on Thurs. I see her on Tues. She only works part time on Tues and Thurs. There is also a group I could go to, that I have been a part of before. Idk. WHat to do anymore. This just sucks all the way around. Thanks for the kindness and understanding. It helps.

Thanks. My next appt is on Tues. I called her again tonight on her cell. She is so supportive. I just sort of lost it. I have been working non stop for 6 months with only one weekend off. I am on call everyday all day. It is too much and it is affecting my sanity. The bosses are going to start giving me rotating weekends off tho. I just am unsure when. Sometime soon. But I am so burnt out already. I don't want to quit. I always do that and then regret it later. I want to learn to stand up for myself and my needs without quitting and running away. Btw, work doesn't know about my bipolar and OCD, so that is a struggle also.

you did well to tell pdoc about the Ativan. that was actually a GOOD coping skill!
I am sorry it's so hard, I relate to the struggle. It's hard for me right now, too. I hope it gets better for you soon. glad your T is supportive! (((((((((lauru)))))))))))
how would it be if you told work about your condition?