Why can't I move forward

I have read so many threads on here and have also received what I know is really good advice from people, but still I have this blockage to it all. I KNOW I should be more open with my T, I KNOW I should explore medication, blah, blah, blah. But I can't

When I think about either, I can feel my anxiety levels starting to soar, then comes the negative thoughts, then the self destructive ones and I feel like I will never escape.

I am about to have to face some life changing events and know this is going to be a tough time for me. It was really the main reason I sought therapy. I have always had some symptoms, but have somehow muddled along. But I have recently divorced and the prospect of my ex demanding my children for half of the week was too awful to contemplate and I gave myself permission to consider more destructive coping mechanisms if I needed to - I am completely safe right now but I am scared of not being able to cope, I have held it together for so long. I wrote this to my T as I was worried that I would not be able to ask for help if I needed it.

I always "carry" my T with me on my shoulder, he's been there with me everyday to sooth me and help me through, but now he is starting to look unfamiliar, like the bad guy, yet I know he isn't it. I am also getting cross with myself for not being more open with my T and I feel that he may be getting bored and fed up with me. So I have decided to push myself and give myself 4-8 weeks to make some significant steps forward in being open or quit the T.

I don't know why I am so scared of going to my doctor, I really do start to panic when I contemplate it. Instead I have started to take some St Johns Wort, hoping that may help me. I haven't told my T that yet, I am scared of telling him. Rational me tells me not to be so silly and of course to tell him, but I don't know if I can.

I wish I knew how to do "therapy". Is it this hard for everyone?

I had to giggle, I was scrolling down to reply and suggest that maybe you are "in your head" too much and saw your location!

I know that I can tend to fall into the trap of over thinking things.

Could you work with your T on some things to help calm the anxiety? Sometimes we have to get the symptoms under control before we can work on the cause.

I "worked" with my first T for 3 years. Honestly she kinda served as my diary... just a place where I could dump day to day stuff but couldn't really open up to her. But I was also living in an abusive home and needed to know that if I needed out someone could verify my stories. She stayed by my side, faithful, caring and supporting in any way I would let her. I never did get to a place of being able to work with her. She is now a dear friend and mother figure. I can confide in her about anything at her kitchen table as long as she is just her. I still couldn't open up to her as a therapist.

The next T I worked with bluntly put what I needed to work on in my face 5 minutes into the first session. I knew her for all of 5 minutes at most and she blasted me with "so what is your history with SA?" BOOM. It was right there, no getting around it. My eyes must have gotten huge and all the blood must have left my face! She said if it was too soon we could talk about it in a few minutes. A few minutes???? Long story short she was one of the best Ts I have worked with. I needed someone who would be very directive, blunt and in my face. Now she wasn't the wicked witch of the west either though... She would offer me tea and hugs on the way out the door. But when she "made" me talk about all these really hard emotional things she acted like I was talking about tomorrows weather. It was the best way for me to work.

I am not saying you need to change Ts. It might help to really think about what you need to be able to open up. What kind of person/T would you feel safest with? What kind of people are you most comfortable hanging with? Do you confide in anyone? If you do what kind of person are they? If not try to imagine a person that you would be able to open up with. Then bring the list to your T and see if they can be more of what you need. If not see if they know someone who can.

Thank-you - the start of your post made me smile to myself too - yes I do need to get out more (of my head that is) - so thanks for reminding me.

I am wondering whether my change of view about my T is because at my last session I was feeling overwhelmed and said I wished to talk about something else, and my T said OK, but if I can't talk about that, nor the things we have locked in the imaginary "safe" - what was left for us to talk about. So maybe my T was being a little more pushy than usual (my T has already said that they are conscious that I present as very fragile) and that has pushed me away a little. But I will try to have a think / imagine what needs to be in place to be able to talk more openly, that's good advice - thank-you

I could have written that
so the answer is a big YES...T is hard and most of us don't know how to do it, but that's why you have a professional. Maybe try talking about talking about it...if that makes sense. I have a lot in the safe, but I can talk about the circumstances in which some day I might be able to talk about it.

Did you have something you wanted to work on? I do think it is up to us to tell the T what we want to work on that day. I also think if a client says he doesn't want to work on an issue that day, that the T should respect that. But be prepared to say what you do want to work on!

I think this is a big, present day concern that merits some time to work on. JMO. I went through a divorce too and working all those things out is hard and I am glad I had the support of my T when I went through that. We talked about it a lot. Hang in there. Is your XH the father of your children? It can be really good for the kids when their parents can work things out and they are able to keep both parents in their lives after the divorce (unless of course a parent is abusive, etc.). I wish you well with this.

Hey there,

most of the time the thought of things is much worse than the action itself.

You say you are scared to go to your doctor, or to be open with T and to try meds, which are all understandably challenging and big steps; however to me it sounds like not doing these things is just as scarey and painful for you and that maybe that's not working for you either?

It sounds like the place you are in right now is becoming more destructive and I wonder what it is that you think may happen if you do the things you are afraid to do at this time?

(((huge hugs)))

Thanks for the replies, sitting here they make so much sense but when I get there, my head usually starts racing or going completely blank. I have no idea what to work on and if something does pop into my head somehow I am able to talk myself out of saying it, because it is not relevant, I know the answer, it's not important enough etc...

I think maybe I am scared of being vulnerable - hmm wonder if I would be able to say that?

Write it down...writing has helped me so much get through the hard to talk stage. I think it would be great if you could say to your T - I'm scared of being vulnerable, but just in case write it on a piece of paper so you can get the thought out.
I think we all get stuck in therapy at different times for different reasons. Being stuck doesn't mean that it needs to stop, it just means you need to try to figure out what is making you feel stuck IMO.

I have also found regarding anxiety that the thoughts before the event are so much worse than the event itself. What is the worst thing that could happen if you went to the doctor? If you can identify what you are afraid of, it might be easier to conquer.

In terms of the over-thinking things, I do that also - very often, my rational mind tells me one thing but everything inside me is fighting anything rational. I've tried to step outside myself and consider what I would tell a friend if they were experiencing the situation I was struggling with. Sometimes that helps you look at things from the outside in, rather than from the inside out.

Hope this makes sense!

Yes it does make sense...to my rational mind at least - it's just that annoying other part of me that is either terrified or full of self criticism, that I need to convince - I shall keep trying though - thank-you

I understand this struggle, between the rational mind and the self-critical, scared, emotional part......the willingness to change, the willingness for change is so hard! But if you are willing to try and keep trying, you have got an important part of the battle won........no willingness, no change; willingness, all sorts of possibilities open up for good change!

Perhaps what might help is to look backward. I mean look at, really look at the successes you have had in your therapy.

Maybe talk over this progress with your therapist. Allow yourself to feel pride and gratitude at what you have accomplished, versus what you haven't.

I think it is okay to worry over and feel anxious about going to the doctor for medications. Who wouldn't? I went, but carried my first prescription for prozac in my purse for at least two weeks before I even had it filled. Then it took me several days just to go pick it up.

I gotta say though, prozac helped me a lot.

I think where you are is okay. No it's not perfect and yes you want more, but please do try and look at the good you've done and say "you know, i've done well".

Little baby steps, lots of confidence building and lots of self love.

Peace to you.

That's an interesting way of looking at it, yes I never thought of looking backwards and seeing what I have achieved - thank-you that is definitely something that I shall chew over before my next session as something to focus on.

I am not judging anyone elses decisoin when I say that I am still very resistant to medication - it sort of feels like I would have failed, given in. However I have started some St John s Wort last week and maybe that is a step in accepting that meds can be useful and not something to be feared.

I am sort of looking forward to my next T session, I am hoping I can use some of the things that people have suggested as well as the sense of support, to do my session differently this time.

One of the things that I have been trying to do for weeks, is to sit somewhere different in the T room. I always sit n the corner and become a timid mouse - maybe if I can acheive that the session may feel different.