[WePow]

Went to session. It was a good one.
It felt nice. Put a lot of things in the right places inside.
The only thing was that I sat on the floor and this time T sat in his chair.
For some strange reson it didn't even phase me at the time, but last night I was destroyed inside. I just let myself feel the pain and rolled with it.
It felt last night like my T was punishing me for the last session where he did join me. It was like he did it on purpose to stay away from me.... so maybe our hands would not touch like last time.
That is fine = logically. But my little part cried big time.

Oh well. I get it.

[SoupDragon]

I'm so glad to hear that overall you gained some benefit from the session .

It is tough when things remind us just how vulnerable we can be though isn't it?

[Oceanwave]

(((((WePow))))

What was the pain about, what do you think? I'm concerned you are reading something into him that's not actually there. You "get it", but are you sure what you project into him is true? You could just ask him next time why he didn't sit with you on the floor. He might just say he didn't realise you wanted him to sit with you. Maybe his bum hurts when he sits on the floor, who knows. Be careful not to take this as a rejection -- just don't let your mind go there. Please give him the benefit of the doubt until he has a chance to explain his point of view.

[WePow]

(((((Oceanwave))))) You are right. Thank you for the gentle reminder.
I tend to see ghosts where there are none.
I see him next Tue. I really want to write him to ask him but I know this is a therapy thing so I just need to contain it until I do see him. Maybe by that time I will forget the pain. LOL.

He is so so kind to me. I remember when we first met and he would not even look at me after we walked out the door. It was like he shuts down so fast and could vanish even before I left the office. Yesterday he looked at me after we left the office and even in the hallway when he was headed to the restroom and I was on the way out and told me to have a nice evening. I sense that is very HUGE for him to do with any client. So I really feel so honored being with him.

It is strange how passionate my heart can be for others that I allow inside.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((Oceanwave))))) I really want to write him to ask him but I know this is a therapy thing so I just need to contain it until I do see him. Maybe by that time I will forget the pain. LOL.

If it bugs you a lot and you keep worrying about it then it would be worth an email, what do you think? If you can move on that's good, otherwise don't let this ruin your week -- as I know from history how supportive he has been with you. I realy don't believe that he would push you away or reject you. Why would he risk that? He probably doesn't even realise how much you like it when he sits with you. He also doesn't know how you felt about the touch, perhaps you could tell him that.

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((((((((wepow))))))))))))))))

[swimmergirl]

((((((((((Wepow))))))))))))))

I agree with other posters, if you want you should discuss this with your T at your Tuesday session. If you can't say it, then write it.
Not to make light of your pain at all............I thought this quote from Oceanwave was hysterical. " Maybe his bum hurts when he sits on the floor, who knows." What if this is all about a hemmorhoid? I know I have freaked out about bigger things. Just trying to make you smile(with OW help, of course).

[WePow]

I agree that it may be a very funny situation :-)
It still feels wrong inside because he said nothing at the time.
It is fine though. Need to be reminded to stay a safe distance from the lions :-)

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by WePow

I tend to see ghosts where there are none.

Thanks for this image. I can relate to it and find it helpful to think about.

[rainbow8]

WePow,

I also think you are jumping to conclusions. I bet he was physically uncomfortable on the floor, and that it didn't have anything to do with not being close to you. I understand how you could "go there" though. I identify with your statement: "It is strange how passionate my heart can be for others that I allow inside." It's how I think of my T.

[Oceanwave]

Sorry if this is painful for you. Please stay safe.

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Wepow,

*hugs*
I am sorry your feeling upset about your therapist not sitting with you on the floor. I am sure it's not to do with wanting to stay away from you in any way as your therapist always sounds so supportive. Did you ask him why he sat in the chair and not on the floor? Sometimes it's easy for us to think of reasons that justfy our own thoughts and fears, without actually checking out the actual reason for the other persons action. It is possible he has a sore back or something.
Do you normally sit on the floor together?

(((hugs))))

hi (((((((WePow))))))))

My T will join me on the floor if I ask him, but not that long ago, I actually had a session where I was on the floor and he stayed in his chair (I didn't ask him to come down with me). I know it's not because he didn't want to be near me...and I know that today didn't happen because your T didn't want to be with you.

I KNOW how hard it is not to read things into it that aren't there. Sometimes it helps me to remember all of the times I jumped to the wrong conclusion about T in the past...I'm wrong WAY more often than I'm right in these situations (if I've EVER been right, actually!).

Hang in there. You are okay.

[WePow]

Thanks so much guys. I don't usually sit on the floor. And something last night was so deeply wounded that I was litterally tossing and turning and holding my head in my bed and crying inside with a silent yell so I wouldn't wake up my mate. I know for a fact I will never - ever- sit on the floor again that way - there.

I didn't ask him - and he is so kind that I know he would have joined me even if he was hurting. I feel he was just giving me my space. That is logical mind.
Something in emotional mind though was hit too deeply. WAY WAY WAY too deeply.
I am certain it is transference but no clue what.

I have always been a floor sitter. Even in school - if I had a chance to give up my seat so I could grab the carpet, I was there. I tend to freak friends out sometimes when I go to their home because I will choose the floor over a seat if I can do so.
It just feels like I am able to be happier and safer on the floor. But I was a kid who spent a LOT of time actually sleeping UNDER my bed.

I remember that it was so special to me to have a friend come join me on the floor. Like they were actually with me in my energy and place. Like they were safe for me to be around if they were on the floor.

Something about a male in a chair when I am on the floor... uggg. That is not feeling safe or good for me so I am not going there. In fact, I may email T my posts here because I will NOT tell him this in person next week. It is making me way way way too sad deep inside. That means I need to at least give him the info so if he wants to help me on it he can prompt me. I know it is my job to bring up my junk, but stuff this deep (and I can't describe the way this feels) he will sometimes help me on if I give it to him. uggg. Oh well. I can overcome this too!

[peaches100]

Hi Wepow,

I'm sorry that your t not sitting with you on the floor has triggered something very sad and deep inside you. It sounds like at this point maybe you are aware that it is a transference reaction, but perhaps you aren't sure why this particular situation with your t triggered such pain in you. Whatever the reason, it sounds like it hurt the child part of you deep inside and has made you reluctant to put yourself into a vulnerable position like that again. Please be gentle with yourself right now. It's going to be OK.

[peaches100]

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. . .

I decided to sit on the floor a couple of weeks ago (which is extremely rare for me). My t said, "Then I'll sit on the floor with you." But about 20 minutes later, she made a painful face and said, "Ugg, I'm going to have to get up. My legs are starting to hurt." So she sat in her chair. Maybe your t realized after sitting on the floor last time that it was too uncomfortable physically for him. Maybe?? I seriously doubt that it had anything to do with him not wanting to be close to you. But i can surely understand that fear and that hurt.

I've tried to reply TWICE and lost it both times. So, here I go again!

((((((WePow))))))

I so get it. The safety of the floor, and the trigger of being on the floor while a man is in a chair. Ugh.

I've been working REALLY hard on "that was then, this is now". I was in a super triggering situation with H a couple of weeks ago, and I made it through (barely) with "that was then, this is now". It FEELS the same, but it's NOT the same.

Breathe. Know that we are adults, and we are strong, and we are safe.

Be gentle with you

[WePow]

((((((Tree)))))) so sorry you do get it. I will be ok. I just am sad that I can't have what I felt those few times with T. It felt so safe. He has to stay in his chair and I have to pretend to be big when I am with him and sit on the couch. :-( now I dont want to go any more.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by WePow

Thanks so much guys. I don't usually sit on the floor. And something last night was so deeply wounded that I was litterally tossing and turning and holding my head in my bed and crying inside with a silent yell so I wouldn't wake up my mate. I know for a fact I will never - ever- sit on the floor again that way - there.

I didn't ask him - and he is so kind that I know he would have joined me even if he was hurting. I feel he was just giving me my space. That is logical mind.
Something in emotional mind though was hit too deeply. WAY WAY WAY too deeply.
I am certain it is transference but no clue what.

I have always been a floor sitter. Even in school - if I had a chance to give up my seat so I could grab the carpet, I was there. I tend to freak friends out sometimes when I go to their home because I will choose the floor over a seat if I can do so.
It just feels like I am able to be happier and safer on the floor. But I was a kid who spent a LOT of time actually sleeping UNDER my bed.

I remember that it was so special to me to have a friend come join me on the floor. Like they were actually with me in my energy and place. Like they were safe for me to be around if they were on the floor.

Something about a male in a chair when I am on the floor... uggg. That is not feeling safe or good for me so I am not going there. In fact, I may email T my posts here because I will NOT tell him this in person next week. It is making me way way way too sad deep inside. That means I need to at least give him the info so if he wants to help me on it he can prompt me. I know it is my job to bring up my junk, but stuff this deep (and I can't describe the way this feels) he will sometimes help me on if I give it to him. uggg. Oh well. I can overcome this too!

Hey hun,

I think its a really brave but also the right decison to tell your therapist about how upset you feel inside by all of this, even with knowing there is probably logical enough reasons because the is something happening inside that is causing a lot of pain about this.

I think also when someone sits in the chair and we sit on the floor it gives an unbalanced symbol of control almost too.

My therapist and I started sitting on the floor a few months ago, on big cushions which I like. I wanted to sit on the floor for ages but was too scared to say. Do you think that it may actually help if you and your therapist sat on the floor together after you do send him this information? Maybe it would help heal some pain if he was to do that?

*hugs*

[WePow]

(((((((((DG))))))))

I can't explain how much the NEVER EVER in a quadrillion billion zillion infinite years thing kicked in full force. Litterally about 20 min of just being in that emotional state of mentally yelling out strings of numbers like that on how NEVER long it would be before I sat on the floor with him again. It was strange to watch my mind go that much into the never-ever stage. So right now, that door is slammed shut and the vault is twenty trillion billion gazooper zagillion miles under all the oceans ever.

Yes, my little one mind just said that.

[karebear1]

(((((little one)))))

WePow- the most wonderful and bestest things about little kids is that they are so forgiving and even things that will never, ever, EVER happen, buried "twenty trillion billion gazooper zagillion miles under all the oceans ever" over the course of " a quadrillion billion zillion infinite years" seem to magically melt away when the person that hurts their feelings (unknowingly) can explain and offer a heartfelt apology for hurting that little one's feelings. T loves you WePow- he would never intentionally hurt you or your little ones. He cares way too much about you and spends so much time connecting with you to do that.

I think you're little one is adorable ...... "quadrillion billion zillion infinite years". I can remember thinking like that myself! She's just too cute.

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

[Oceanwave]

Never in a million years: That's the appropriate response to an abuser, not to your T. You cannot shut out every friend and helpful person in your life for inadvertently tredding on something they didn't know was there, without damaging yourself too. You need to learn forgiveness otherwise you end up pushing away all those who love you and will be left without friends. It's an important skill to learn for a healthy life. Don't give innocent people the response that your abuser should have got from you back then. I know that - for the little one - it is hard to distinguish between good people and not so good ones. But you are an adult now WePow, and let the adult make these decisions so you can live a happy life.

[WePow]

Thanks guys :-)

The amazing thing about therapy is that it allows us to feel through these transference issues. I allowed my little one to feel the anger and pain that was being brought up. It is something I was not safe enough to feel when I was a child.

After I went to bed last night, I was able to just get intouch with that part of me who was feeling those big emotions. I found out they were comming from the five year old alter. I still don't know exactly what made "him" - Zachary (( I thought I was a boy until I was 6)) have this strong of a response. But I do know that is where the trauma sits.

Having DID makes it a lot harder sometimes to pin-point which part of our person has the pain locked away. For me, a huge part of healing from DID is doing what my T taught me to do in just listening to that alter and not trying to stop the emotions or shut them up.

Logically, I knew this was transference. That allows the adult me to maintain the therapy relationship in a very healthy way. I didn't write my T a nasty email about how much "he" hurt me. I didn't cancel my appointments or just decide to not show up. But I did allow myself to feel all of the stuff that was being brought forward.
And I still love my T very deeply.

So right now I will just keep giving my young part the space and permission to feel upset as much as needed. And when that part of me is ready to share the pain, I will be here to listen - just like my T does.

[WikidPissah]

(((WePow))) Sorry I didn't respond right away...the image of sitting on the floor with a man in a chair..yikes. I don't have any reasoning why he didn't sit on the floor, but from reading your posts I know he didn't do it to hurt you. I hope you and Zachary work thru this one quickly, and I know that you'll get to the other side.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((((((DG))))))))

I can't explain how much the NEVER EVER in a quadrillion billion zillion infinite years thing kicked in full force. Litterally about 20 min of just being in that emotional state of mentally yelling out strings of numbers like that on how NEVER long it would be before I sat on the floor with him again. It was strange to watch my mind go that much into the never-ever stage. So right now, that door is slammed shut and the vault is twenty trillion billion gazooper zagillion miles under all the oceans ever.

Yes, my little one mind just said that.

I think you should do whatever you feel you need to, to make yourself safe and your little one safe also. Can you talk to your T about it at all?