[mixedup_emotions]

I saw T today, and I was very disconnected from my feelings. I talked to him about what happened at the party I went to over the weekend (see post that was moved to the abuse forum)....and that I don't feel safe venturing out in the world right now.

T said that I'm just starting to assert myself in normal situations and that I haven't gotten to the point where I am able to assert myself in dangerous situations.

He said that he was concerned about how much blame I am putting on myself about what happened. I told him I was angry for being weak....and he tried to get me to understand that I wasn't being weak - that it was a trauma response that happens to people with PTSD - and that it has nothing to do with strength. I don't know. It just feels...yuck.

As the session went on, my migraine was intensifying....so we ended the session a few minutes early so I could drive home. He said to give myself permission to let the feelings out when I feel safe enough. I don't know. Everything's just so swirly right now....

[Lauru]

Oh MUE, I am so sorry this happened to you. Like all the others say, it is NOT your fault. Would you force yourself on someone just because you could? Because they were weaker than you? Because they didn't say no loud enough? Because they didn't fight back good enough? I think the answer to those questions are all no. So why do you think it is ok for those guys to do what they did for all the reasons above? Please be gentle with you. You have been a victim again, but you can become a survivor. I promise. I really do.

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Mixedup_emotions (((((()))))

I read your other post and I want you to know that you are a very strong person indeed and that you have nothing to feel bad about at all in what happened. No matter what the situation or circumstances, no one has a right to force themselves onto another person in any way and the word No, is all the self protection you should need and even without saying it, the person who is being pushy should not just go ahead without checking the other person is ok.
I can understand why you felt it hard to communicate with your T at the session. I think your mind was shutting down a bit as a form of self protection from the shock of it and the reminder to past traumas.

I am glad a disruption did present itself and that the situation didn't escalate further but it's not your fault that this person has no respect for others. You say you chose to ignore the signs but I don't believe that, I think you seen the signs but you wanted to believe that you were in a safe environment and possibly felt you were because you should have been.

I know it's hard to see it but perhaps this incident can be an unfortunately scarey learning tool that you can use to put some safety plans in place in some way? I know it would have been better for this not to happen because it must have been very scarey but we can work on this and turn it around for you when you feel ready hun

We are all here for you

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((mue)))))))) yes you are a strong person and don't need to be beating yourself up over anything that happened. T is right about learning to assert yourself in normal situations and it still being harder to assert yourself in dangerous situations - you did the best you could really and have learned something valuable for future situations and will likely be able to assert yourself better if something else comes up.....

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks.....(((( HUGS ))))

I am in such a fog at the moment. It's like I have no control at all over my body. I couldn't sleep at all last night - yet slept off and on for most of today. My thoughts are all over the place - can't focus - and at times can't even feel my feet on the ground.

And I have group T tonight....and I'm nervous about not knowing if I'm going to be able to stay "in the room". Last week, I was yelled at by another member for being disconnected....On the other hand, group T could be a good way to help me get grounded, to work on being in the present, a better distraction. I don't know.

*sigh*

T wants me to let the feelings out...and by not doing that, perhaps is triggering all these physical effects....but I can't seem to access the feelings right now. Maybe during my session with T on Thursday, he can help me bring them to the surface. That would be trying something different. As yuck as that sounds, I can't bury any more than what I've already buried. It eats me alive....

[zooropa]

((((((MUE))))))