[maggyjo]

I see an older T. She has never been married or had children, although she is close with her family and has nieces and nephews. I find it strange and fascinating, I was pregnant at 17 and married at 18, and have spent the last 21 years raising 7 children. I am a little worried this big difference may hinder our connection.

What do you think?

Is your T very different than you?

Maggy Jo

[with or without you]

I don't know much about T personally, but from what she's told me over the years she didn't get married until she was almost 40 and she has no children. Since she's on the "less self-disclosure" side, it doesn't bother me at all.

[Suratji]

I have no idea if my T is very different in personal history. I don't know if she's married; I don't know if she has children; I know almost nothing about her.

What I do know is that I like her, I feel safe with her, I feel heard by her.

So, I'd say that if you think that difference in history will impact your relationship with her, maybe it will. But if you like her and feel heard by her, maybe you can ignore the differences in history. Don't we all have different histories? Does it mean we can only connect with people who have traveled the same road as us? Are your friends only people who have raised 7 children and got married at 18?

[BlessedRhiannon]

My T is happily married with one kid...I am single and never plan on having children. It honestly does not impact our relationship at all.

Keep in mind, T's have to help clients deal with LOTS of things that are completely outside of the T's own personal experiences. So, having kids, being married, or not, shouldn't really impact the quality of care they can deliver. Now, if it makes you uncomfortable, then that's probably worth discussing with the T.

That said, my first two T's had kids that were my age, and that actually was a problem for me, because I felt too much like they were trying to "mother" and "control" me, and a lot of my issues revolve around my own mother and her constant need for control. My current T is only 10 years older than me and has a child that is about 10 or 11 years old, so I feel more on equal footing with her.

[lastyearisblank]

I would not mind that much because I want my therapist to be different, as long as they are open to other people. Perhaps it is a sign therapy is going well to be raising these kind of questions.

[sunrise]

When I learned that my T had no children, I was sad, as I think he would make such a great Dad! I think if circumstances had been different, he would have become a father. But that's life. He did tell me he has nieces and nephews with whom he spends a lot of time. And since I've known him, he's married and now has some older stepchildren. I don't find any of this has mattered much at all.

[Indie'sOK]

I'm 16 and still in high school. T is in her late 20s and is three years out of grad school...maybe we aren't that different?

I would actually be happier if my T didn't marry or have kids. Little me feels any big changes like that would distract her from her career, meaning her clients, meaning me. Big me knows the chance of that happening is likely, and Little me is just going to have to face this fact.

[WikidPissah]

Because a lot of issues come up that pertain to hubby and kids, I think it would bug me. I don't like "By the book" advice as much as "made the mistake" advice.

I read something about this before online somewhere, that sometimes people may be a little indifferent if they have a T that doesn't really "get it" when it comes to being a parent or being married because they aren't in that situation to "fully understand" the trials and tribulations that go into those relationships. Sure they can offer their professional expert advice, but they don't/can't actually experience in their own lives-the good, the bad and the different when it comes to that. I think something like this would only be a bother for me, if I was in therapy seeking help for those situations.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by maggyjo

I see an older T. She has never been married or had children, although she is close with her family and has nieces and nephews. I find it strange and fascinating, I was pregnant at 17 and married at 18, and have spent the last 21 years raising 7 children. I am a little worried this big difference may hinder our connection.

What do you think?

Is your T very different than you?

Maggy Jo

Hey Maggy Jo,

I guess no therapist is ever going to have the same experiences as all of their clients but it doesn't prevent them from being empathetic and gaining a true understanding of the situation in many respects. Even if your T was married with children, her experience of this may be so different from yours that it wouldn't really make any difference. I think we can make a connection with so many people that aren't in the same position as us and in some ways perhaps its better to have someone who isnt as they may be able to shine a different light on things.

Remember also, as a therapist she would have gained a lot of knowledge from experience too but each client is unique and building a connection can take time.

My T is married with children but I have worked with a support worker before who wasn't, it didn't stop her from being caring etc, in fact it usually meant she didn't have a family life distracting her as much so she was more attentive to her work.

As long as a T has a nice personally and a good way of working that suits my needs then I wouldnt mind if they were married or not.

xxxx

[ECHOES]

It would not matter to me at all. I prefer to see my T as unattached but I know she is married and has a daughter and granddaughter.

i am single, 52 & have dogs. never in a real relationship. worked in law enforcement with deep ties to terrorism..brother also in military with ties to terrorism & military. i have a college degree.

t is about the same age but has 4 kids...& a phd. we are from the same area altho living in a diifferent area now (weird right?) we have spent time hashing over the terrorism aspect of things since one of her kids is considering doing the military thing..

we are different religions & my parents were greatly biased & bigots altho i am not.

but we work closely & well together.

different but yet the same. i will never totally understand the kid thing...& that is ok...i never could really given the crap my parents did to me..even if i was a parent..my skew on it would be off.

she has offered to help me learn how to do things my mother should have shown me how to do back as a kid..which still cripple me even now as an adult. & for that i am so grateful.

honestly i think if the relationship is there...the "click"..then i don't think it matters.

stumpy

oh look this should be post # 500...sorry just felt i should make note of it...
i suppose.

stumpy

[PreacherHeckler]

I think a lot of it depends on the T's response to your needs regarding parenting issues. Several years ago I had a childless T who was close to my age and she was helpful and supportive. But the next childless T I had, also my age, was more judgmental toward me regarding parenting issues and came across as though she had all the answers because she worked with kids as a therapist. My current T has 2 kids; I have 4. He's been very supportive and I know he "gets it" in ways that my previous T's didn't. The downside, however, is that I often found myself comparing his kids to my two oldest since they were close in age and went to the same school, and then I felt very inept as a parent. But he always helped me through that too, so overall it's been good to be able to talk to him about some parenting issues and know that he really understands. I think it's hard to know ahead of time how it will work out because it can really depend on how the T handles it.

My t and I work well together, very much in part because of our shared experiences in parenting, our professional lives, etc. I appreciate that he's "been there" with his own children and is willing to share some of what he has learned from his life as a parent. I have no idea how I would feel with a therapist who had no experience in marriage or children. I think it would be odd for me though.

[scorpiosis37]

It doesn't bother me in the least that my life and my T's life look extremely different. She is in her 40s, married, has several children, and (obviously) works as a T. I am a medical student, I'm in my 20s and, while I was parterned for several years, I am now single and I have no children. Sometimes I'm surprised at how different our lives actually look because she does such a superb job of being able to relate to and understand me and my sitaution. I also think it helps that we hold similar views on things (religion, politics, social issues), which was pointed out in learning1's thread. I think our core values and beliefs help bind people together, but I think how our lives turn out (marriage, children, divorce, etc.) are often the result of chance, coincidence, or circumstances beyond our control. I also happen to find T's brief anecdotes about her family endearing. It enables me to picture her chasing around a brood of rowdy children- them always a step ahead. As long as T is happy with her life, she will get filled up in the ways she needs (emotionally, physically, etc), which will allow her to be a good T and give me the professional care and human caring that I need.