When T is "Too Busy" to Reply

Hi Squiggle,

I'm glad you understand and don't think what I'm wanting is unreasonable. I realize t can't always get back to me immediately. I have no problem waiting a few hours, or even a day or a weekend if i email on a Friday. But if I email a question on Monday morning, and she says she's too busy and will get back to me later, and doesn't do it at all -- then when i go into my session Wednesday at 3 pm, i am going to be upset.

She KNOWS it's a sticky point for me. She KNOWS it triggers me horribly. I just can't understand why she does it. I know she's busy, but it just seems like if she cared about me, knowing what she does about my triggers, then she would be careful not to keep saying that, but make an effort to at least give me a short answer to my question.

.....I know i should not take it personally because people DO get busy. But I still hear it as "Everything I am doing from Monday morning until Wednesday afternoon is more important than you and your question. I won't even take 5 minutes of that time to address your concerns." ...........Am I wrong to think this way?

Peaches, I think your T should establish better boundaries around her email communication with you as you are getting hurt due to your unfulfilled expectations. The question about disorganized attachment seems like one that could be asked in session, rather than something a person needs to know immediately, but maybe it was indeed critical for you? If so, maybe the urgency of your need to know was not apparent to your T. Also, she may be trying to get you to go with fewer emails between sessions, and so she waits until session for what she judges are not critical needs. If the latter, I think she should communicate to you that this is something she would like you to work toward rather than leave you with expectations that are not met.

This business situation sounds like one where you have a salary and as part of your job, you answer phone calls and emails. You are paid to do this as part of your day. I view my business relationship with T as different. I think of it is fee for service, which is only the minutes we are in session together. I do not expect him to call and email me in between sessions in order to maintain a business relationship with me. He fulfills his responsibility to me in those 50 minutes. He also has a responsibility to have me hospitalized if I should be suicidal. Beyond this, he doesn't have to do anything! Another business model extends the professional relationship outside of your face-to-face time but charges for any time spent on you. For example, my lawyer bills me for every phone call or email. Don't like it, but that's her business model and I can go elsewhere if I want something else. I respect that Ts also get to determine their business model. My T doesn't charge for reading or answering my emails but my messages are only on the topic of reschedulings so take very little of his time and don't require him to do any research or worry about wording and being therapeutic by email. His phone calls are now responded to by a third party. This is his model. My daughter's T has a model that includes charging for any phone call over 10 minutes long. I wonder if there would be fewer misunderstandings and hurt feelings if your T were clearer about her business model?

I know this is a continuing source of discontent for you with your T and I hope you can discuss it and work it out. I really think your T needs to establish clear expectations and then stick to them. I think you may be feeling hurt because she said she would respond to informational emails between sessions and then she didn't. If she says she will, then she should. Otherwise, don't make promises to the client. Or she could say she will respond to informational emails if she has time, but otherwise she'll address it in session. Then you wouldn't be so hurt. Hope you can work it out.

When my T agreed to allow email he would not promise to read every email or respond every time I asked him to. He said he would read and respond when he had time. For awhile it was very frustrating for me and hard to understand because I was so used to "making time" to meet someone else's needs that I just couldn't see why he was unable to do the same thing. It made me feel like he didn't really care and I wasn't important.
Eventually, though, I realized that just because I always found a way to make time to meet someone else's needs, it wasn't necessarily a healthy thing for me or for the other person. When I looked at it that way I began to see my T's behavior as modeling good boundaries and self-care. He balances his needs with mine -- he never charges extra to read or respond, and like Sunrise said, some T's do charge extra for any kind of between session contact, so now I can appreciate the contact we do have between sessions, because it isn't something he's obligated to do as a T. He chooses to make himself as available as he wants to be, and when he doesn't want to be available to read or respond to email, I can respect that now, and I'm glad he never made promises he would have a hard time keeping.

Hmmm. Well, I guess I could think of my t as modeling self-care. But in a job setting, are we allowed to put our own needs first, ahead of our customers? I've always been taught that the customer should come first.

I completely understand. I get SO pissed off when I send a text to my T asking her a question and it can take her a whole day to respond. How hard is it to actually type "yes" or "no" ??? It takes SECONDS!! I have NO patience for it. It is my biggest peeve with my T.

I also find this extremely frustrating.

I rarely contact my T outside of sessions but twice she didnt reply at all. She almost always takes at least 24 hours or more to repond, unless she wants me - then shes very quick. I think she does it because she wants me to tolerate the feeling of having to wait and any negative feelings that may go along with that. It really annoys me even though really she has every right not to repond. I guess its the oddness of the theraputic relationship, thinking you're close to someone and that, that person would repond the way any other person would do, but they dont.

Honestly, I think if my therapist didn't reply, it'd be sorta mean.
Mine doesn't have phone communication between sessions, as far as I'm aware.
But she usually replies to my emails. (If it takes her a couple days, she replies with an apology too!)
What happens though, when she's out, the administrator of her organisation emails me and says that she's unavailable until <insert day> and I could talk to another therapist if I wanted to.
I usually say nope.
But when I send an email to her, even if it's a couple lines, she always replies with a couple paragraphs.
sometimes I wish she wouldn't oblige my communications like that, but I'm glad she does.

My pdoc rarely replies unless I have a specific question or I'm in danger, had a particularly difficult session with her.. Yes it does feel like rejection but I understand my t has two kids, a hubby, extended family that ALL come before me not to mention the 25 or so other private patients she sees weekly or the patients in the public hospital. She simply does not have time to reply ALL the time and I've never been forward enough to question it.

Hi Dizgirl,

Maybe my t wants that: for me to learn to tolerate having to wait and the negative feelings that come with it. But if that's true, then why doesn't she just tell me that??? Instead of using the "I'm busy."?? In a way, it feels kind of dishonest to use the busy reason if that's not really the reason. But all i can do is take my t at her word, which is that she really "is" too busy. Though, like we said, it doesn't make sense when she could have just responded Yes or No.

i think email is a big deal. i think email can cause a lot of harm to clients. that means that i think about my emails. i think about the question and whether i can answer it in email (which doesnt convey body language, tone of voice, etc) or whether it should be addressed in person or even via telephone. the LAST thing i intend to do is just shoot off a thoughtless half-assed email to a client. i value their well-being more than that. i would much rather drop a line saying i dont have a lot of time, but i will get to their question later. and then i make it a point to get to that email later.

also, i dont think the question you asked has a brief response that wouldnt lead to more questions. but maybe im an over-explainer.

But on my next session, she didn't refer to earlier email question or answer it. So it didn't get answered at all. Sorta made me feel that she did view it (and me) as unimportant. I should have brought it up again myself but i just let it go.

If a question is asked by the Client (by any method) between sessions, and isn't answered by the T before the next sessoin, I have to think that a response is due to the client. Yes n next session Client can and should bring up what may be pressing, whether that or something else, but somewhere (IMO) the T is obliged to acknowledge that a question was asked, and at least find out whether Client still considers it important enough to include in the session. If no, fine. But if the answer is yes, then T should have had enough time by now to put some thought into an answer.

Flooded,

That's nice that you can put yourself in your t's place and respect her time like that. I didn't feel that i was asking tons from her. I don't call or email her when she's at home, at nights, or on weekends. Only a couple of times each week, during her workweek. But i guess that's too much also.

I'm expected to take those email and phone calls and reply to them. Isn't that the same situation with my t?

Just trying to understand why email and phone messages are considered a regular part of my job but not hers.

Right now, I'm leaning on just not emailing anymore at all period.