There are so many new threads this morning! I'll come back come later to reply (off to music lessons with my boys) but I wanted to share a little bit about my session.

I think what I was left with was this:

1. There is so much safety and security in how well T knows me and how well I know T after so many years together. I almost feel like I've finally stuck around long enough to get to the GOOD part

2. My adult parts really ARE learning to take care of my child parts. I told T about a dream I had last night - I was driving my van, and the van was full of people in wheelchairs. And I told T it was like me driving around the other parts of me. And we talked about how much more often I am in the drivers seat now. When I started therapy, the thought of my adult parts taking care of my child parts felt super painful and unfair. Now that T has shown my child parts so much care, it's like I can take over sometimes. And it's good.

3. We had a moment in session where we went into the really really really scary yucky stuff. I wrote it on the dry erase board. T told me the parts he didn't understand and I tried to explain it more, in writing. He talked some and I kept telling him to "be careful" because I am scared that he is going to say words that are too triggering, and I know he was careful. I started getting lost and T helped bring me back. He said I had gone far enough for today and I could come back to now and leave it there. He said he wanted me to see that I can go there, dip into it, feel it, and still come back and be me. And it was hard, but I did come back. And while we were sitting there (we were both on the couch) T said something that whiplashed me back to that place and I said something and T got me grounded again and I was able to stay for good the second time. There is part of me that is really scared that if I tell this story I won't ever come back and be me again. I think T showed me today that maybe that's not true (although I didn't tell the story, I said more than I have before)

4. When I left I was sitting in the car and there was something from T's office that I wanted SO badly (that I had brought back to him today) and I felt really anxious and I finally just WALKED BACK IN (I've never ever EVER done that before) and asked if I could take it home. And he said yes and it was really weird to be there and not be "in session" but it was fine too.

5. I've had these moments of grace since my session that remind me that when I let some of the dark out of my heart, some of the light can get in. I hope grace and pain aren't always so closely tied together, but I'm glad the grace is there.

Whew. I didn't plan to write that much, but there it is. All of the yuck is worth it, I think. I'm pretty sure.

[lastyearisblank]

So glad things have taken a turn for the better!!

Ooooooh - and I just remembered that he told me he is only taking off 2 weeks this summer. The last few summers he's been gone almost the entire time. AND the weeks he is missing go from Thursday - Wednesday, so he is here a little bit EVERY WEEK this summer so I don't think I'll have to miss a week.

THAT is such a "yay"

[googley]

That is awesome Tree.

My T told me she is going to be gone for two weeks. Luckily one week is a week we don't meet. And the other week I suggested that maybe we could switch the week that I miss that month so we don't have less meetings. Isn't it great when these things work out like this?

[Indie'sOK]

That's really good to hear Tree. Yes, I can hear the grace in your words, I really can. There is beauty beneath all the yuck and it's coming from what you have with T. There is so much strength here, you sound so much stronger than before...do you feel that way?

[BlessedRhiannon]

Tree, that is so awesome! I'm glad things are going so well for you and your T.

[granite1]

tree i know that things are not alway so easy for yoy but you inspire me in how well you deal with the down times

Originally Posted by Indie'sOK

you sound so much stronger than before...do you feel that way?

I DO, actually. I think letting out so much *sad* with T on Tuesday helped.

And in the middle of my sadness on Tuesday, I told T a story about something that happened this past weekend that made me laugh, and I realized that was a happy moment. So, I decided after session on Tuesday to start noticing happy moments. Like my oldest son making me laugh until I cried in the car yesterday. Or sitting next to my youngest son, who is so sweet, at a ball game. Or watching a show with the whole family and looking around and seeing everyone just content. Noticing those moments and really being AWARE of them...even narrating them to myself ("we're all sitting together right now and everyone is laughing at this show") while they're happening...is helping me stay out of the deep PIT of the despair. Or at least to claw my way back out when I slip back in.

And I think dipping into the scary thing with T today and being able to come back out was huge. We didn't go very far, but we went further than we have before now, and T telling me "you don't have to go any deeper right now. you can stop right here" and helping me come back and be okay gave me some hope, I think.

So many ups and downs. I guess in some ways that's life, but wow, I know it's whiny, but some of the downs don't seem fair, you know? I guess that's why I'm trying to pay more attention to the ups. Because they CAN both be there and they ARE both there.

[Indie'sOK]

Originally Posted by treehouse

So, I decided after session on Tuesday to start noticing happy moments.

Maybe even make a list of them, if it helps? Just to visualize all the moments like this that have occured and helped to bring you out of that pit.

Originally Posted by treehouse

And I think dipping into the scary thing with T today and being able to come back out was huge.

That IS huge, and I bet T is really proud

Originally Posted by treehouse

So many ups and downs. I guess in some ways that's life...

This is true. And the downs will happen, but they will become less and less painful each time because you're learning to handle them better.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Because they CAN both be there and they ARE both there.

Yes, they coexist. Take the good with the bad, and focus on the good. I'm glad you're doing that already