[dismantle.repair]

My therapeutic relationship should've been done.

She told me to email if I ever needed anything.
I started feeling depressed again, so I emailed her... One relatively short ramble that made almost no sense. Well, grammatical sense was there, but she didn't get what I was trying to say.
She replied and asked me to repeat it in english (lol, she rocks).
And I froze. I wanted to tell her about the suicidal thoughts... and the giving up....
But just like when I was actually sitting 5 feet away from her, I got uncomfortable, and before I knew it, I was changing what I was saying.
I don't even realise I do it until after.
*sigh* I hate these defenses. I dropped them just in time for her to say she can't really help, because we tried, and tried and got as far as we could in therapy.
Now I've thrown them back up.

[lastyearisblank]

But what happened??

Originally Posted by crash&burn

My therapeutic relationship should've been done.

She told me to email if I ever needed anything.
I started feeling depressed again, so I emailed her... One relatively short ramble that made almost no sense. Well, grammatical sense was there, but she didn't get what I was trying to say.
She replied and asked me to repeat it in english (lol, she rocks).
And I froze. I wanted to tell her about the suicidal thoughts... and the giving up....
But just like when I was actually sitting 5 feet away from her, I got uncomfortable, and before I knew it, I was changing what I was saying.
I don't even realise I do it until after.
*sigh* I hate these defenses. I dropped them just in time for her to say she can't really help, because we tried, and tried and got as far as we could in therapy.
Now I've thrown them back up.

[dismantle.repair]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

But what happened??

She thinks I'm fine....

If she thinks you are fine, she can not really help you... you know that, right?
Just please try to be honest with her... it IS so hard but in the long run its worth it.
I hope you're doing ok.

[dismantle.repair]

I know, I know...
She knows most of it, just not all.
In any case, she's not my counsellor anymore!

[lastyearisblank]

But could you try again? What if she was just confused and deserves another chance?

[dismantle.repair]

She's brilliant, but she said she thinks we did everything we could together for now- until I could move on a little.
If I ask her for another chance, I'll walk in and we'll sit and talk about the weather I bet =\
I'm irrelevant- I'm sure there are people who can be saved that should have my spot.

[lastyearisblank]

What about someone else who could help? Like in your area?

[dismantle.repair]

She's part of my school counseling centre. There aren't many other resources available

[SoupDragon]

I don't think you are irrelevant, it just sounds as if you are finding it really hard to share things with your T. How would it be to just copy what you have written here to her? I think I know that would be really hard, but what would the consequences be?

[WikidPissah]

((c&b)) I know what it's like to have those defenses. I too hold back at T so much that he often has no clue how bad I actually am. Email has helped a little, but I am still not honest. There IS hope for people like us. I have to keep telling my new t (by email) that I am not being 100%, and asking him to help pull stuff out of me. Not sure if that would help you or not, but I am throwing it out there. Don't give up, you deserve that spot.

[dismantle.repair]

I'll email her again.
We'd finished what we were supposed to, even with me holding back. It was frustrating for us both.
Thanks guys.
I have no idea how to tell her everything. Because everything seems so insignificant.

[jazzy123456]

you should write---free write whatever you are thinking --time yourself maybe... about therapy..issues in therapy..personal issues..
I'm a writer and free write includes those things you would conside "insignificant"--its whatever pops in your mind, whatever, it doesn't matter if its random, you just write it, and bring it into session and tell her to read it--that is, if you wanted to continue counseling.. then maybe she could see the real you.....( and since this is with a counselor and not some writing workshop lol, if its over the top random, like what you had for breakfast yesterday, obviously you'd feel silly sharing that but, only YOU know whats most important to you....hope it all works out!

[dismantle.repair]

Thanks for that jazzy....
But here's the thing: I always tried to avoid her 'homework'. I don't know if she ever noticed that when she brought it up, I'd change the topic.
I hate having to read out what I wrote. It's one thing to have her read it silently, but it's almost physically painful to have to read what I wrote to her.

It seems I can't be that vulnerable...