I've been REALLY busy for the past few days. I honestly can't remember them, but I know I painted my son's room and I made dinners and did laundry and went running. I took my son to baseball and my other son to martial arts. Those are the things I *know* I did, but other than that, I'm not sure. And I mostly know about those because they are on the calendar, or I have concrete evidence (a painted room! clean laundry, food eaten). I do remember my H painting with me for a little bit. That's about all I actually remember since my session...H painting with me, and a couple of other moments in time...but mostly I just know what's been going on by the evidence.

And I don't remember my session. AT. ALL. I went back and read about it and that helped me remember that T and I touched fingers, but other than that, I have literally no memory of it. None. NONE. And I don't even know if I really "remember" touching fingers, or if I can sort of imagine it from the description I wrote about it. I can hardly believe I went, but I have the receipt and I wrote the post so I obviously was there.

I e-mailed T and he said that sometimes being super busy and unaware can help us get through when being "good enough" is okay. He said that it's okay to let the session go, that it will come back when it's time. He said that I am an aware person and that time might move quickly, but not so quickly that I won't catch up with it eventually.

But. It feels kind of scary to me. I haven't lost time like this - this badly and for this long - in forever. I *know* that it's self-protective, but it's scary and frustrating. I can see that I'm writing a lot of stuff down - to do lists, dates with friends that I've made, etc -so that helps.

I don't know. It feels like it's out of my control. I really really really wish I could remember my session, but it's just not there. Even the drive there and the drive home. And everything since session - not there.

I don't know how to check back into life. I'm scared that I'm going to be in this lost time forever.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Tree you will be ok. Your body is just choosing this method to cope right now. Things will turn around again. (((Hugs)))

[googley]

(((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. But you will come back. I know you wrote in another thread that this time is a really bad time for you. You are getting through it safely while using a non-detrimental coping method. While it can be scary, it is better than drugs, alcohol, SI or ED. You are keeping yourself safe. I know it is scary to not know what happened in session. I have had that happen a lot (more than I would like to admit). But it will be okay. Your T remembers the session. He will hold it for you until you are ready to remember.

[SoupDragon]

Hi, I can really relate to the forgetting thing. I see things written down that I have no memory of writing at all, but I do recognise the hand writing so know it must be me that wrote it. The same at work, I see my signatures at the bottom of reports and know it is my signature, but I don't remember writing it. (Actually sometimes I am even a little impressed by the things I have read in the reports - "gosh did I write that", kind of thing? and it makes me smile sometimes).

It is the same with the threads on here, I can't recall much of what I have written and have to look back over the threads I have started. It can all get a little freaky (even got lost going to my T session once), but I try to relax and tell myself that it is not permanent and that in time it will improve.

I guess it is some kind of protection and I also try to trust my body and mind to know what is good for me sometimes, so I just try to accept it right now.

It is really frustrating / confusing though

[elliemay]

Please don't get me wrong - I am not judging at all here, lord knows I've been there myself.

How much klonopin has been on board lately? The benzos can interrupt the formation and/or recall of normal memories.

Of course, so can distraction defense. I think there are times when we all sort go on autopilot.

It's okay. These things happen. I hope you can try to move through it.

Things seem to be getting better. The ground will re-appear under you.

Ellie.

[PreacherHeckler]

Good point, Ellie. One of the more common side effects of Klonopin is memory impairment. It can also cause or increase dissociation. My family doctor prescribed it for me several years ago, not knowing about my dissociative disorder. When my T found out he wanted me off it immediately because it was making things worse rather than better. It's even been used as a date-rape drug so I don't know why it's often prescribed for people who dissociate, other than the fact that it's less addicting than similar drugs.

Have your kids noticed you're different? Are you able to take care of them ok? Hugs. Be safe.

I've only had to take my prescribed dose (.5mg) of klonopin at night to sleep. Thankfully. That did cross my mind though...wondering if even that level was somehow staying in my system? But I've taken it regularly to sleep before, and I haven't lost my whole life And I definitely wan't taking any at my last session.

I am pretty positive that my kids are totally unaware that things are different for me. I tend to be really busy and productive anyway, so the behavior itself is normal...it's just the forgetting that sucks right now.

I do think that I am in a loop of staying really busy right now to not feel, and that the not feeling has me all disconnected from myself. I didn't even realize that I had lost all of those days and my session until I sat down to e-mail T...I got quiet and checked in with myself and realized...where have I BEEN?

I should probably start meditating again. Just to make that effort to check in with myself and find myself every day, for at least a little bit.

But right now, I'm off for a run.

Thank you for the responses and ideas, really truly

[*doodles*]

That is really scary, Tree. I have only dissociated for very short periods of time so I can't imagine what its like for you to go through such a long period of time and then look back and not remember. But like googley said, it is less detrimental than many other coping mechanisms, and it wont last forever. You will get through this period and will be ok. Just hang in there.

[SpiritRunner]

I think that the ground will reappear.....at least you do have the awareness of yourself as being here and you ARE getting things done. Losing time is scary but at least some part of you is functioning and apparently functioning quite well! That is better than me, I am fully present but hardly able to function....I would like to lose time and have some stronger part of myself come out and take over, sort of.....I know that comment doesn't help you. I hope the meditation and the run help you.
I didn't know that about the klonopin causing memory impairment, that is interesting....I am on that now.....

My run was so good, even though it's about 57498574230 degrees already here.

I think just being aware of all of the lost time feels like a first step. Now that I KNOW maybe I can find a way to be more present. I don't know if that means slowing down, or just paying more attention, or what.

Maybe I will try checking in with myself more often. To tell myself, "I'm painting right now" or "I'm helping E with his drum practice" or whatever. Just to find myself in the present.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((( Tree ))))))))))))))))) maybe you are unconsciously giving yourself a break. Could be that you really need it.

If it is worrisome to you that you don't remember last session (this happens to me too sometimes), you might journal it a little, that same day or evening, and maybe it will come back to you. If not right away, maybe later.

One thing for sure, below our conscious minds, things are working away 24/7, so nothing is lost really. still it must be disconcerting at least, and maybe scary. I hope not scary.

[SpiritRunner]

that sounds like a good idea, tree!

[jazzy123456]

Yeah, actually your right ! thats very positive... the fact that you have at least acknowledged and realized that you feel lost is an important beginning step! ...it means that you may not be as lost as you feel... and nothing is forever, k? you won't be lost forever, meditating, running ,writing things down, and whatever else keeps you grounded is definitley positive. ... sending hugs (((treehouse)))

I know how scary this can feel in the moment though, for the past week I've been crying out of nowhere...I'd be in the middle of a phone conversation and just cry, or cooking etc etc. lol. yet, I've been disconnected and totally unaware of why I'm feeling anything I'm feeling. sooo.. I can understand this to a degree and your not alone!

[lastyearisblank]

Sorry it's so hard right now. It must be so scary to be forgetting things without knowing why. I must have missed some of your threads because I had no idea that things were so bad!!! I just have to say with regard to checking in w/ your body, if you're taking Klonopin to sleep that is a sign of being under a lot of pressure!! And if you're not getting that REM sleep (which benzos can prevent) maybe that is contributing to the memory loss???? I know there were some studies where people deprived of deep sleep have trouble remembering things.. if that helps any?

Way to keep getting so much done and coming through for people despite it. Hope you're feeling better soon~!