texting and emailing therapist

I am wondering why anyone text messages or emails their therapist. It appears to me the majority of people on this forum are so disappointed in what the therapist responds with or fails to respond to. This form of communication is so impersonal and can always be misinterpreted. I just don't get it. Why set yourself up to be let down? Why not call the therapist and talk directly to them if necessary? It never seems like the therapist can catch a break they never seem to respond "correctly". And when they do respond their responses are so over analized for meaning. Seriously it does not appear to be a not very productive form of communication.

For me it was my T's idea. That way she can still connect with me without other people over hearing if she is not alone. I also think that some patients may be more needy than others. I would have to put myself in that category. Also DBT uses phone coaching as well, not sure if that extends to texts or emails though...

Well, email works really well for me, as T checks his email a zillion times a day, so I can be assured he will get my message. He is not very good with phone messages or calling back, so I can't think of a reason I would ever use that method over email. I email him only about stuff like canceling or rescheduling appointments. I save the therapy stuff for face to face. I agree that for some people who email their Ts about substantive issues, it seems to blow up in their faces and they get hurt or misunderstand the messages. In those cases, it does seem prudent to stop the emails and wait until session or do phone calls instead.

For me, it's honestly a really good form of communication...but it wasn't always that way. It was hard at first.

I am REALLY good at asking for what I need in an e-mail now. If I don't want a reply, I don't ask. If I just want any old reply (which will probably be a "I hear you, we'll talk about it in session, I'm here), I just ask for a reply. And if I need a little more, I'll ask "Could you please reply with a few sentences" and he does. The clearer I am with T, the better he is able to give me what I need.

It was harder at first. But we worked together...I worked on my expectations, he defined his boundaries...and we found a place that is comfortable and safe.

I do think it helps that we've been together so long, because we know each other so well, we don't need to say a lot. I think it's a lot harder when the e-mailing is new, or the therapy relationship is new.

Also just wanted to add that I do talk to my T on the phone as well, but if I call (outside of office hours) and she doesn't answer that it is usually because she is with other people and we then go into text mode.

I text only if it's an emergency between sessions, and I can't usually call because I'm mute much of the time when stress hits. I don't have much to over-analyze about his responses because it's usually just a quick message about when I can come in. My only texting problem has been his dinosaur phone is sometimes slow at receiving texts. My T doesn't trust email because he was hacked a few years ago, so that's not an option.

I agree. If I was a therapist I would never allow email or texting.

I can understand where Cmac13 is coming from. Once T's allow this sort of access to them there is a chance a can of worms will be opened...

I've never emailed or texed. I don't think I would either seeing what some people have gone through here with it. My T doesn't offer email or texting, but she has a hard enough time returning phone calls, I haven't really used that either. I wouldn't want to have something else that I had to wait for multiple days for a reply.

Me too. I am studying to be a mental health professional, and after reading about some of the problems with email on this forum, I don't think I will allow my future clients to email me either. I know it works out well for some people, but others, no. I just don't think I'll mess with it because I don't want it to be a negative for clients. And it may be hard to tell who it would not work well for, and I don't want to get into the situation of having someone be able to email me at first, and then telling them "phone only" after I can see the emails are backfiring. That hurts the client too, to "take away" a privilege. Too complicated and confusing. But I will be very good about answering voice messages!

This may sound dramatic (as I do have a flair for it), but if I couldn't email, text, or call my T, I would just wither away and die!

Yes! I don't think my T knew what she was getting herself into when she allowed it with me. But we have an understanding that she won't respond to me, unless I specifically ask or I leave a voicemail. Then she'll just mention it during session usually.

I started emailing T at the beginning of therapy as a tool to help me express myself. I just couldnt talk to T for about the first year. It did help initially but there have been so many times that his response, or lack of, have caused me more suffering than the reason I emalied him in the first place.

I'm not sure how I feel about it now. At times it definitely provides me with extra support and I can definitely articulate myself better in writing- I still get so anxious in session that I find it hard to communicate with T. We are working on that, but T is still ok with me emailing because it helps him understand me better.

I only call in an emergency, and I think Ts have a responsibility to provide their contact details for that reason. But I do understand some Ts reluctance to accept contact between sessions.

I actually have less issues with emailing my T than with phone or in person conversations...because I have time to really think about what I'm trying to say. Emailing started because my T asked me to do so...I was struggling with something, told my T I would think about what she'd discussed, and she asked me if I would email her later. Several times, after sessions, my T would ask me to either call or email her with an update...I prefer email and my T is good with that. She has suggested that I can text her as well, if needed, but to me, that feels too casual, and I'm not comfortable with it.

Now, I usually use email to process a session. My T always replies, usually with words of encouragement. I also use email to let T know when there's something I want to discuss but am uncomfortable bringing it up in session...she will then bring it up in session and prompt me to talk about it. I understand that my T will not do therapy over email, and I don't expect her to. She understands that I find it helpful to communicate with her in this way, and she knows that I understand the limitations of this form of communication.

I think for some people, email can be very useful...for others, not so much. I think there has to be an understanding between T and client as to what will and will not be dealt with through email, what frequency of emailing is allowable, and when replies can be expected.

I am open to the idea. I am just not sure it will work for me. But, I am willing to try!!

For trauma therapy work, I believe email can be a life saver for both the T and the client. Flashbacks tend to happen a lot at night. When doing trauma healing work, they can happen many times a night even. And they are so painful that it can take a person into a very bad place in a very short time. A T who is doing that type of work has to be there in those black nights of the soul or they may have even bigger problems on their hand or be forced into hospitalization of a client. In my case, I told T I would NOT do that - it would be over with at that point for me, even if I had to wait until they released me. So he knew how deep my pain was and what he needed to do to help me out.

I would write him sometimes 5 emails from 11PM - 3 AM while the flashbacks were happening. It allowed him to BE WITH me in those hours, even while he was asleep. I would not have made it without that option.

For now though, I try to limit the emails because they are not needed the way they were for that part of my healing. So maybe a T can set limits and say "While we are doing THIS type of healing work, you can use email to help you make it ... so you will know you are not alone when these flashbacks happen. But when we are done with that work, we will not use email. How do you feel about that option?"

I totally get that and I do that with phone calls with my T. I don't need her to even be on the phone to feel she is there and it helps to ground me. I think generally it's not a good idea but in some rare circumstances it could work depending on the individual.

my T doesnt allow it because i used it as a way to avoid talking to her.i never had a problem with how she did or didnt respond in fact i would send an e-mail and then never talk about it.so i can no longer e-mail her or mail her lettersby snail mail either.don think i am allowed to call her either but dont think i would ever do that anyway.i have called her only once.

I have emailed with my therapist and it has been a very helpful way of communication for me. I think the important this is that my therapist recognized that I needed a way to connect with her that didn't involve a phone (hate the dang things!). I've used email to breakdown any powerful feelings I might have had after a session. I have never required a response from my therapist, although she sometimes responded back with one or two lines, indicating the breakdown held powerful information that we "would process in our next session". I have never expected her to do therapy via email. My use of email has been to enhance my ability to put into words things that are difficult for me to express. The immediacy of email allowed me to be in the moment when the emotional storm was hitting and calm myself by thinking and/or analyzing what might have been going on for me. At our next session, the printed out email allowed my T and I to really dig in and figure out what was going on for me.

I think a good therapist can assess and recognize when email is helpful to a client, just as they do with phone calls. By eliminating all emailing by all clients, a T is perhaps closing off an avenue of communication that might really enhance and move a client's therapy along. I think deciding on the right course of treatment for any client should be individually based. By saying, I'll never allow emailing because I see that it causes too much anguish for the population of clients who post on an online forum, I think a person is shutting off a possible treatment choice prematurely. I don't post about having problems with email because it isn't a problem for me, and I'm pretty sure there are a lot of clients out there who use emailing very effectively.

I do feel, however, that it is perfectly legitamate for a therapist to make the personal decision that he/she doesn't allow email because it doesn't work for them. This is true for phone calls. Each therapist has to take their own personal inventory and set their own boundaries. She has to determine what she personally feels comfortable with and what she will not, over time, become resentful of in regard to demands on her time. If a therapist isn't comfortable with email or she believes that she can only handle one email a week from a client, then she needs to make that clear at the outset.

If emailing is allowed and it becomes a problem, then the therapist needs to negotiate that with her clients. This is what therapy is about--the client needs to learn how to be in the relationship and respect and honor the ebb and flow of the relationship. It sounds simple when I write it but I know that isn't the case. Negotiating the relationship and healing ruptures that naturally occur in any relationship is hard work.

I completely get where you are coming from cmac. Fortunately, my t doesn't do email or text. If I need to talk to him, I call him. It has never been a problem whether during work hours or after. I only call him when I'm in a crisis anyway, and email would be a horribly ineffective way to deal with a crisis IMO.

My T's pretty big on email. :\
I've emailed her a few times about different things.... For me, it's easier to communicate via email than face to face. I get anxious, I don't think through what I'm saying etc when I speak to someone face to face.
When I email, I can get my thoughts out there- almost completely.

It is primarily a one-way communication for me. I never asked my T to respond. I only asked to be able to write to her. If she sends a response, that's great. But I write about my thoughts and not as a way of contacting due to struggling with emotions, so it's different in that way.

I have only been doing this a short time although I have been seeing my therapist for 4 years. So far, it's working well.

I wish I could email T. I wouldn't want a response, just a way to express myself between sessions. I'm too cowardly to ask her if I could email her. She does accept voicemails and it's agreed she won't return calls unless I specifically request it. I've found these to be very helpful and maybe they're more authentic because in writing I can plan more and maybe would edit more - IDK.

That was my T's only hard and fast rule about emailing....if I'm in crisis, I had to promise to call her, not email. So far, I've stuck by that promise, but I also fully recognize that email is completely ineffective in a crisis, and if I need to talk to my T right now then I have to call her, since she usually only checks email in the mornings.

I agree, electronic communication of any kind is sort of iffy, when it's between a T and client it is really fraught with peril. I didn't email my T until I had been seeing her over 18 mos, and even then it started very, very slowly. I didn't email her at all until she emailed me first.
The same with texting. I remember the first text I got from T was on my birthday, again about a year and a half into our work together. I'm not sure how it progressed from that to the point where we were having arguments via text, but I do know that with my next T I will be very, very hesitant to initiate or maintain any contact outside of sessions.

I'm not saying out of session contact is bad or wrong, only that for me it has created an almost unbelievable amount of heartache and confusion, quite possibly outweighing any good it did.