[rainbow_rose]

I’ve been struggling a lot lately over what I like to call the ‘stupid therapeutic relationship’.

I’ve tried to talk about it in session, but she keeps redirecting to other things and when she did that in the last session, it was really frustrating and it really, REALLY hurt. I was following the understanding that you could say anything in therapy and this re-direction made me feel that was not true. I felt like I couldn’t bring it up again – that she didn’t want to hear about it again and that I needed to work out this struggle on my own … (and I still kinda feel that way). I was considering cancelling my next session or two while I thought and processed all of this. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to talk to her. Just the thought of it hurt too much. Why pay to feel that hurt if I can feel hurt for free?

Over the last few months, I have really lost my focus as to why I’m going to therapy in the first place and I think it’s about not being able to see the forest for the trees. The fear of being in such an intimate and imbalanced relationship sent me into a place where I that’s all I could see. I couldn’t see anything else.

Four things helped me get to a place where I’m not held hostage in FEAR’s grip:

1. Every time I felt myself pulled down emotionally by the hurt, I made a conscious decision to direct that energy in a more positive direction – into something constructive.
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2. I was watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition and the trainer said something that touched a nerve: “If you’re scared of something, don’t sit there being scared of it ‘cause you’ll always be scared of it.”
   
   This really made me think. I was sitting there … being absolutely terrified of being in the room with my therapist … the feelings, the talking (or the inability to do so, rather), all of it. I hate it. I feel like an idiot ‘cause I can’t be as articulate as I want to be (and sometimes can’t talk at all), and it hurts. And it will always hurt if I sit here in that place of fear.
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3. rainbow8’s thread ‘please help me!’ – her post felt very familiar to me and I could relate to a lot of what she said. The responses people made in that thread were helpful.
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4. I had a conversation with a co-worker that reminded me WHY I made the decision to go to therapy in the first place. I’d lost my grip on the why ‘cause I was stuck in the fear. Fear and anxiety is one of the reasons why I’m there so it would make sense that everything would overwhelm and paralyze me.

The fear is still there, but I’m not holding onto it so tight. A very unfamiliar feeling. Hope I can hold onto it… and if I can’t, I hope I can remember how to get back here.

It feels more possible to go to my next session. My goal is to find a way to get help/support in managing the big feelings I have about her but not have it specifically be about her ‘cause that’s not working.

And maybe … just maybe, I’m trying to make it more about her ‘cause making it about me is really scary and is the last thing I really want to do. <--- that’s a really hard thing to admit.

Now… if I could be at a place where the boundary of no hugs didn’t hurt so much, that’d be great.

**If you’ve taken the time to read this, I greatly appreciate it. ***

p.s. Big hug to dizgirl for ‘listening’ to me on PM, helping me process part of this.

[rainbow8]

Yes, I understand very well what you're feeling. I'm glad the responses to my thread helped you. I have yet to go back and respond to all those wonderful replies! I know the big HURT feelings when you want to discuss your relationship with T and she wants to move on to what SHE thinks is more important. That's the way I felt yesterday at my session.

There could be more than one reason you, or I, or anyone else make therapy more about the T than about us. T's pull us in, like teasing us, in a sense. I told my T that on the phone tonight. I got my reassurance that she still likes me a lot, and I needed that. I emailed her that I think I'm always going to react to Ts the way I do, and I just have to accept it. No one person in RL can ever meet my needs the way she does.

You sound like you're going in a good direction with your thoughts and feelings about all of this. It's not easy!!

[Perna]

Rainbow Rose, sounds like you're doing a lot of good, hard work and your T's "redirect" is actually working for you? Therapy has to be about us in our own "real" life, not just about the therapy relationship. That relationship can be fraught with all the struggles of our past and reflections of problems with our present relationships. It can be really really hard to break free from that but I found it really worth it.

[zooropa]

I'm going through this same type of struggle with my T right now, and I appreciate your post so much, RR. Thank you.

[rainbow8]

I just want to add that it SHOULD be okay to talk about your relationship with your T with her. It shouldn't be something you need to hide. I also feel that my T doesn't want to hear about it because she's redirecting me too, but that's not true. Your feelings about your T are important and can and should be discussed when you need to. It's just that we have to keep focused on US, not THEM. It's hard, and sometimes seems impossible. But, like sunrise said in my thread, we can have an intimate relationship with our T even when it's about us and our problems. It's hard because what we feel for our T may have its roots in something from childhood, so we tend to want to keep it in the present, with HER. It seems like it's about my T, not about my past. She's more real to me.

[rainbow_rose]

Thanks everyone for you comments - I so very much appreciate the validation and support.

Originally Posted by Perna

Rainbow Rose, sounds like you're doing a lot of good, hard work and your T's "redirect" is actually working for you? Therapy has to be about us in our own "real" life, not just about the therapy relationship. That relationship can be fraught with all the struggles of our past and reflections of problems with our present relationships. It can be really really hard to break free from that but I found it really worth it.

Thanks, Perna.

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm going through this same type of struggle with my T right now, and I appreciate your post so much, RR. Thank you.

zooropa, you're welcome. I posted this is hope that maybe it would help others. I appreciate YOUR comment as well.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It's hard because what we feel for our T may have its roots in something from childhood, so we tend to want to keep it in the present, with HER. It seems like it's about my T, not about my past. She's more real to me.

rainbow, that's it exactly!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yes, I understand very well what you're feeling. I'm glad the responses to my thread helped you. I have yet to go back and respond to all those wonderful replies! I know the big HURT feelings when you want to discuss your relationship with T and she wants to move on to what SHE thinks is more important. That's the way I felt yesterday at my session.

You sound like you're going in a good direction with your thoughts and feelings about all of this. It's not easy!!

thanks, rainbow.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I just want to add that it SHOULD be okay to talk about your relationship with your T with her. It shouldn't be something you need to hide. I also feel that my T doesn't want to hear about it because she's redirecting me too, but that's not true. Your feelings about your T are important and can and should be discussed when you need to. It's just that we have to keep focused on US, not THEM. It's hard, and sometimes seems impossible. But, like sunrise said in my thread, we can have an intimate relationship with our T even when it's about us and our problems. It's hard because what we feel for our T may have its roots in something from childhood, so we tend to want to keep it in the present, with HER. It seems like it's about my T, not about my past. She's more real to me.

The reason I don't want to bring up the 'therapeutic releationship' again is that she said (and I'm paraphrasing) "you bring this up nearly every session... i don't know what else to say about this topic..." then she redirected the conversation elsewhere.

that's not much encouragement to bring it up again. i don't see the point.

[rainbow8]

That's tough, rainbow_rose. I see both sides of the coin. My T told me a couple of weeks ago that we're spending so much time talking about our relationship that we're not doing anything else. I got angry with her for saying that and I left my session dissatisfied and angry.

However, when I did go to another issue, surprisingly, I felt all right. I didn't feel like my relationship with my T was diminished. Well, this was after telling her on the phone how I felt and her reassuring me that she cared about me the same as always but her job was to help me be happier in my real life. She said it in a NICE way, though.

So, it hurt me but I understand that there is only so much talking about the relationship that can be done. Still, I know my T will let me bring up my feelings about her as much as I need to. She won't stop me. I think there has to be a middle ground.

The point of bringing it up again is if there is something you want to tell her or want to hear from her. Or, just to get the feelings out. I've had to tell my T my feelings for her when they are too big to keep inside. I had to ask if it was okay to love her. I had to ask if she liked me. I had to tell her I liked her eyes. I had to tell her I liked her better than my other Ts. I had to tell her I wished I could be a baby kangeroo and live in her pouch. I had to tell her about driving past her house. And more.

Now there is not so much to tell her. She knows it and we're both okay with how I feel about her. Do you know what specifically you want/need to tell your T about how you feel about her and your relationship? If so, I think you should tell her. If she doesn't want to hear it, maybe she's not the right kind of T for you. But I think she will be okay with it if you say something specific.