[PTSDlovemycats]

I am just wondering at what point do you know that you are too attached to your therapist?? And what would the signs of this be?

[Xeneon]

Well for me it was when i left. I knew i was too attached. I bought her a christmas gift that has been in my room for about 2 years almost 3...lol

[PTSDlovemycats]

So you never gave it to her?

[PTSDlovemycats]

What about when you start viewing them as family??

[skysblue]

I have no idea what 'too' attached is. I'm attached to my T and I accept that (at least for now). I know this attachment allows me to trust and to be as open as possible. She is my support and I cherish that. Too attached? I don't think so.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

What about when you start viewing them as family??

So what's the difference between family or friends in context with T? How can you view T as family?

[PTSDlovemycats]

I don't know....like you really care about them and worry that something might happen to them,,,

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

I don't know....like you really care about them and worry that something might happen to them,,,

Don't you do that with friends also?

[PreacherHeckler]

I don't know if you can be "too attached." I think if you're securely attached it will allow you to sustain a strong bond and feelings of closeness while you also pursue other relationships and other interests. But if you're not securely attached it can feel way too intense because you can become preoccupied with the relationship and then it may feel like you're "too attached" even though you aren't.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Don't you do that with friends also?

Yes but a T is not your friend or family.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

But if you're not securely attached it can feel way too intense because you can become preoccupied with the relationship and then it may feel like you're "too attached" even though you aren't.

Can you elaborate on that at all or give an example please?

[TinaL]

I am worried about this with me. I think that's why I am fighting things so much. Great post!

[PTSDlovemycats]

Thank you TinsL.

[PreacherHeckler]

Well, I noticed as I progressed from an insecure to a secure attachment, that when I was insecurely attached to him I thought about him almost constantly and wanted a lot of contact between sessions so that he wouldn't forget about me. It was hard when he was on vacation because I was always anxious and I didn't feel comfortable unless I knew he was somewhere nearby, even though I knew I'd have no contact with him until he was back in the office. I felt threatened easily by thoughts that maybe he cared more for his other patients than for me, and I couldn't tolerate the thought that his feelings for me weren't as strong as my feelings for him.
But it's WAY different now that I feel securely attached. Of course I still think about him but I'm not preoccupied with those thoughts. I email him between sessions sometimes to let him know what's going on or to tell him about something I've finally understood or processed, but I don't need him to respond. Between sessions and when he's on vacation I can easily and comfortably pursue other interests and relationships without feeling the overwhelming sense of loss I used to feel. I can even enjoy the time when he's out of the office now because it feels ok to me now. I don't worry about whether or not he cares more about other patients, and I have finally become comfortable with the idea that he doesn't feel as strongly about me as I feel about him.
I feel very attached to him, but in a way that allows me to grow and explore, like a young child is able to do when she's securely attached. I don't need to cling to him like I did in the past.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Wow. I guess I am insecurely attached still. I thought I was just being Borderline...

[PreacherHeckler]

Attachment problems are common with Borderline issues.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by PreacherHeckler

I feel very attached to him, but in a way that allows me to grow and explore, like a young child is able to do when she's securely attached. I don't need to cling to him like I did in the past.

Thanks for this post, PreacherHeckler. I really hope I get to this point.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

I am just wondering at what point do you know that you are too attached to your therapist?? And what would the signs of this be?

I am securely attached and I haven't experienced a downside yet, so I'm not sure I've reached the point of being too attached. (Being "too" anything sounds like a bad thing.)

I think when someday I say good-bye to my T, I will probably feel I am too attached, because it will be very painful to say good-bye to someone with whom I have shared so much. I have a feeling T will say, though, that this does not mean that I am too attached, and that this pain of parting is part of being human, and not a bad thing. That sounds wise, but I don't feel that now and not sure I will then either.

[swimmergirl]

Just my opinion............I don't think you should fear a secure attachment, it is not necessary for everyone but if you are concerned about that then it is important to you. It takes time to build this up and trust your T, especially if you have a history of being hurt before(don't we all?) You have to be vulnerable which is tough........part of that is being honest, taking risks, and believing that your T is being truthful when he/she tells you what they think/feel(that they don't have an alternate agenda).
I think most people fear an attachment because of the unknown or pain associated with it. I understand that completely. However, with my last T, it was totally worth the pain I went through(and am still going through) to have that close, emotional, healing bond with another person. It's not all bad.....I hope that helps.

[Splintered]

I care about my t and sometimes worry that something may happen to her but I don't see that as a sign of being too attached. I know she cares about me and worries about me sometimes and she definitely isn't too attached to me! I think for me thinking about my t a lot and wanting to contact her all the time are my warning signs that I'm getting too attached but I'm at that point with my t now and I don't think there's anything I could have done to avoid getting so attached. It just happened. Although I don't think it's t as a person that I'm attached to so much as what I get from her - someone who listens to me and really wants to understand me, someone who is willing to listen to anything I have to say etc. If I was getting that from other people in my life then I don't think I would be so bothered by t breaks or be counting down the hours between sessions. I'm at the point now where it's so painful to see my t and get one hour of support and then be alone for the rest of the week that I don't want to speak to her at all and I'm not sure I can carry on with therapy. This attachment stuff is hard. Do you think you're too attached ptsd?

[peaches100]

I feel like I'm too attached, but in an insecure way. I think about the t relationship way too much and want to have contact between sessions. It leads to disappointment because i feel the desire and wanting to be close to my t (and she seems to encourage me to attach). But if i allow myself to start reaching out and wanting connection, then very soon, i am banging up against a boundary, such as her telling me that she doesn't have time to reply to my email. It really hurts to feel that attachment pull and let yourself be vulnerable and try to get some of that need met, only to repeatedly walk into a wall and realize that you've "gone too far."

I can't seem to find the right balance when it comes to attachment, and it really hurts trying to figure it out. I always end up going back to the place of pulling way back and trying to rid myself of the attachment feelings because it feels so bad when my t reminds me in subtle ways that I'm expecting too much.

[skysblue]

After reading (twice) "Attachment in Psychotherapy" by David J. Wallin, I have become much less worried about my attachment to my therapist. I understand its value now and I believe that once I've resolved my issues, attachment won't be a problem anymore.

A few quotes: " unless a therapist can enable his patient to feel some measure of security, therapy cannot even begin. Thus we start with the role of the therapist in providing a secure base."

"Attachment is a biological imperative rooted in evolutionary necessity." He goes on to explain that insecure attachment may happen with infants with their caregivers and the role of the therapist is to 're-design' attachment for the adult in order to overcome poor relational behaviors.

"Attachment theory focuses on intimate bonds, the nonverbal realm, and the relation of self to experience. The same three themes organize the model of therapy as transformative through relationship.

"In this model, the patient's attachment relationship to the therapist is foundational and primary. It provides the secure base that is the sine qua non for exploration, development, and change.

"This sense of a secure base arises from the attuned therapist's effectiveness in helping the patient to tolerate, modulate, and communicate difficult feelings.

"By virtue of the felt security generated through such affect-regulating interactions, the therapeutic relationship can provide a context for accessing disavowed or dissociated experiences within the patient that have not - and perhaps cannot- be put into words.

"The relationship is also a context within which the therapist and patient, having made room for these experiences, can attempt to make sense of them.

"Accessing, articulating, and reflecting upon dissociated and unverbalized feelings, thoughts and, and impulses strengthen the patient's 'narrative competence' and help to shift in a more reflective direction the patient's stance toward experience.

"Overall, the relational/emotional/reflective process at the heart of an attachment-focused therapy facilitates the integration of disowned experience thus fostering in the patient a more coherent and secure sense of self."

Before I read this amazing book, I was embarrassed and ashamed of the 'dependency' I felt towards my therapist. I am a professional woman who has a lot of responsibility to other people. I lead and manage others and it was highly uncomfortable for me to be in such a vulnerable role. I am a take-charge kind of person and I resisted mightily the emotional dependency I was feeling towards my T.

But now, I embrace it as much as I'm able. I understand that to overcome my issues, I must allow myself to be as open and honest as possible. And to deny my current need for my therapist, I believe, would delay and inhibit my progress.

[wheeler]

I constantly struggle with thinking I'm too attached to my T. And I also worry that she makes herself overly available to me.

I've been seeing her for a year and a half and in the beginning she always said I could call as much as I liked. However, as I'm not much of a talker we have found that texting works much better for me. She encourages that I text as often as I want/need to even when she's on vacation.

When I want more than one appointment in a week, she encourages me to reach out to her and 90% of the time we find some time.

Also, it takes me a while to trust and week to week I struggle with being comfortable with her, so now we do 90 minute sessions, which has helped tremendously.

I think she believes that the more I reach out to her and that she can be available, the better I feel. Not just short term, but long term, with other people.

So I try, really try not to judge how much I need her, and how much I think of her, and how much I obsess in between sessions. In fact, 'allowing' a simple text gives me great relief and I tend to obsess alot less.

Her approach is so different than what I've experienced in the past, and I think it's working. I find that even though I still struggle it's a lot less than before. And I even have really good periods. It's also great to have someone be there for me, especially when the timing of my implosion doesn't coincide with my weekly appointment time.

So I guess my message is, if possible allow yourself to attach, talk about it with your T and over time it does get better. My opinion is if your T isn't supportive and comfortable with this aspect of the relationship, then I would move on. Just my 10 cents though, and every relationship is different.

[Xeneon]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

So you never gave it to her?

Nope its still in my bedroom in a safe spot. I know that horrible right?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by skysblue

After reading (twice) "Attachment in Psychotherapy" by David J. Wallin, I have become much less worried about my attachment to my therapist. I understand its value now and I believe that once I've resolved my issues, attachment won't be a problem anymore.

I found this book very helpful also. Going to a therapist is not like going to a dentist or a surgeon, where you just let them do their thing to cure you. It's more like Dancing With The Stars, where you try to train yourself to their level. Only nobody's watching, so yeah, it could go on forever and that's why people say therapy doesn't "work"? If you get my drift.