worked sucked today. i hate being shorthanded. and expected to fix everything....
tomorrow is going to be worse,
but the good thing is i got to see both of my boys today, one of them works where i do, so i see him everyday at lunch, my youngest one called and asked to bring a couple of friends for lunch and he did. made my day, he even shared a picture of his new girlfriend "ashley".... i love my boys, LOL> they are 22 and 23, but they will always be "my boys"....

i am missing my therapist something awful today she has been gone for 2 months now. i just really need to talk to her.

[rainbow8]

SarahMichelle, do you know when your T is coming back yet? I know it's been so hard for you, but you're doing it.

I've had a bad day. Just been thinking about my problems and my future and my past and all the things I don't want to think about. I'm still going round in circles and getting nowhere.

T tomorrow for the first time in over 5 weeks. I don't know what I'm going to tell her. I'm going to have trouble affording therapy every week now my dad isn't going to be able to help me out as much - so I feel like there's more pressure for it to 'work', you know? For me to 'improve and 'get better'... I also have a lot of pressure to get back into the workforce - but I don't know if I can...

I also have to go out tomorrow night, and act happy.

In a bit of a panic, tbh.

I am not sure how I feel. I am upset that I was so mean and ugly to my therapist. I wonder if she is mad at me? She will say that she is not, but is she being honest? I thought about this all day. I wish that I could stop thinking about it!

[kaliope]

i just feel like crying. today was a long busy day, but my last day of work before going on my three week vacation. so a lot of time spent getting things in order to make sure everything was covered, that i would still get paid and my check deposited by coworker,stuff like that while i am gone. couldnt figure out how to change my voicemail so left that in somebody elses hands.

saw T and pdoc today. T has basically ok'd me to work with pdoc on exposure therapy for my anxiety, but has set very clear boundaries that i am not to bring any of that therapy into therapy with him. but then he goes on to say, what is left for us to work on and maybe i dont need to schedule regular appts with him and i should just call when i need him. i made it very clear to him i didnt want to give up seeing him and we werent doing anything in particular to "work" on my anxiety besides talking about it after i spun out about something. so i left feeling pretty rejected. i was crying. he said i wasnt be rejected but i didnt feel that way. then i went to appt with pdoc and let him know the decision and he ends up talking about not even knowing if hes going to be there next month as hes only a temp doc so lets throw in some abandonment.

[nicoleb2]

My computer has a virus so I am accessing this on my phone. My van is dead and my husband's van is almost dead... I'm going to lose my mind soon

I feel so sad and small. I slept all day because I cannot sleep at all at night. I miss my T (who worked at the hospital while I was inpatient) she has moved her practice, I need her badly. My regular T is wonderful but I need Dr S. I feel so sad and frightened.

It seems that I am constantly sleepy! All I want to do is sleep. When I can actually take the time to sleep, I can't fall asleep. When I don't have time to sleep, I keep nodding off. Something is definitly wrong here.

[confuseduk]

Not a good day. Boss is furious with me cos I have to miss a meeting (that was changed last minute) to go to T. Had to lie cos no-one knows I go. Been made to feel guilty all day so have volunteered to do more hours to make up for missing meeting. Feel useless at everything I do

Was a relief to see T today. It's so nice to talk to someone and for them to understand where you're coming from. It was a bit of a catch-up session I guess. Was weird to be talking like 'yeah, so a couple weeks ago I wanted to end it all, but I guess I'm doing okay now'... A couple of tears managed to escape, so I guess I'm not as robotic as I'd like to think I am these days.

Off out tonight. Time to get glammed up and revved up and put on a happy face...

[OneRedRose]

in two days ive done 11 hours of maths....but the assignment is over now and I can relax! no more maths!....until thursday...but i am going to pretend thats not true! lol! got an essay draft to write which should be ok, i am the essay master, was in study skills today and we were learning about mind maps, I said i think that stuff is completely pointless and rubbish, so he told me to do what I normally do to plan my work and I said, I dont plan my work not ever, nor do I check what I am writing, I just write. he was shocked as his always liked my essays so to find that I pay so little attention and care to them, ah well!, i am the essay master after all :P

so finished my assignment and went to play video games, and had some old friends invite me into a party so that was nice, then my controller died after like 30 minutes ah well! its been a good day because its friday

[PleaseHelp]

Was doing good. Until I got a phone call from the nurse about my MRI on the knee. Have a tear in a ligament that keeps knee from dislocating. have to go see a surgeon (that cant be good) in 2 weeks. I'm scared.

[OneRedRose]

update:

Just finished a choking fit, my face just turned back to a normal colour, scary thing is?? no one in my house even noticed me falling about the place, and even when i dislodged it and cried for help no one came :'( wow it happened so quickly too, before it happened i checked my timer and had 15 minutes left till i could have my nicotine, just checked it again and got 5 minutes left, so that happened very fast! scary

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by OneRedRose

update:

Just finished a choking fit, my face just turned back to a normal colour, scary thing is?? no one in my house even noticed me falling about the place, and even when i dislodged it and cried for help no one came :'( wow it happened so quickly too, before it happened i checked my timer and had 15 minutes left till i could have my nicotine, just checked it again and got 5 minutes left, so that happened very fast! scary

Aww OneRedRose, sorry to hear that. Are you ok now?

[OneRedRose]

Originally Posted by confuseduk

Aww OneRedRose, sorry to hear that. Are you ok now?

yeah still alittle shaken up, throat is quite scratched that will teach me for reading a comedy site while eating though!

I don't know when my T is coming home yet She doesn't know either. We are having a pretty tough day today... really, really aching to talk to her. We had to go to an office for a fingerprinting thing for our new job, and the office building and the rows of offices reminded us of T's old office.... even smelled like her old office... it was SO FREAKING HARD to be there...

[kaliope]

went to a NAMI state conference today. my old pdoc was one of the presenters. god i miss him so bad. my eyes brimmed with tears. even now they are threatening to spill over or actually are. im all choked up. i saw him last in january and then he missed my next appt and then he up and left the clinic. he now has his private practice. i talked to him briefly. i can see him. he will only charge me 20 dollars. but then i will have to pay for my own meds. the haldol isnt so bad. that is on the four dollar plan at walmart. he wont prescribe the topomax for me. but i dont really need that to be stable. but then there is the artane for the tartive dyskenisia. i would have to factor the cost of that in. is it worth it, the cost to see the crazy pdoc i love, the one that had the patience and persistence to find the med to stabilize me. or do i stay where i am at where i get my care and meds for free but have to put up with my new inconsistent pdoc.

my heart is hurting. so many memories were coming back to me today. about being committing and how scary that was for me. about how i have wanted to die all my life.about how difficult life has been, about how much i have suffered because of this illness. my pdoc made a comment about not giving me very many klonopin "i making this hard for you" and i have just be thinking what kind of sadistic f**k is he? my whole f**king life has been hard, i have suffered enough. i finally accepted that i didnt have to suffer anymore by taking meds and now youre withholding them from me. i just feel like evreything is unraveling for some reason. im so sad.

i am really lonely and kind of having a bad evening which is pretty rare for me. i see (not necessarily on this forum) people writing/complaining about "having" to go to therapy, not liking their therapists, things like that...and I wish with all my heart that I could just GO to therapy... I miss my therapist SOOOOO much...she has been gone for two month now and even though she calls about once a week, it is just not enough Its hard to hold everything in for twenty five people (alters) when we are used to two sessions a week.... it just gets difficult at times and I'm jealous of the people who get to see their T every week .

[zooropa]

I'm alone for the weekend, and I really don't want to be alone for the weekend. I am upset and lonely and sick. Things have been going good, great really, with T but tonight for some reason I can't stop thinking about the times she has hurt me, the things she said and the sound of her voice and it is painful.
I wonder if this is part of the healing, if part of me is resisting really fully trusting T again and doing so by dredging up things from the past.
I think I need to talk about this with T, because it doesn't feel like it got resolved, we just moved on and let it be.

Anyway. I have a million other things going on in my life, so of course I will just sit here and brood on things I vaguely recall my T saying months ago.

[nicoleb2]

In a week and a half, I broke my van (transmission is dead), almost broke my husband's van, my computer got a virus (not fixed yet...) and now I chipped a tooth. I think I should just stay in bed from now on.

I made myself go to my weekly meeting with some friends. I wanted to stay home and sleep. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I am glad that I went, but I would be just fine if I never attended any social gathering again.

This is not normal. I am not normal. I want to be normal. What is normal?

Okay. Time for a high school football update. We won again. This time in quadruple overtime. Yikes! These boys are going to give me a heart attack. We're still unbeaten and now ranked 7th in Texas. Pretty exciting stuff. Love Friday night football games.

The band leaves at 5 AM for the trip down to Houston for a major marching contest tomorrow. They look ready. We'll see how they do.

It's a 3-day weekend for me! Woohoo! And next week I'm also taking off Thursday to attend my son's ARD meeting. I'll get to see T twice next week. That will be a good thing. We are still in the midst of some very intense work. (But I haven't cried in session for the last two weeks. Thank God!)

[OneRedRose]

in about an hour im meeting the person that rejected me 6 months ago saying she wasnt ready to be in a relationship...only to get into one 1 week later, feel so anxious, I actually feel like ima be sick

[WePow]

I posted a big thing on the DID forum. My T helped me make a HUGE breakthrough yesterday. I am so happy I finally have some internal freedom. I am supposed to just relax and notice things. I really like the way EMDR works. Plus my T sits closer to me and even though I get nervous a bit, I trust him totally and so it feels nice to have him near me. I am so happy this is working! He even looked happy at the end of session yesterday :-) He knows he did good work with me. I am glad he knows that!