[mixedup_emotions]

*sigh*

Well, as I mentioned in my other thread, one of the dilemmas that I face in group T is shutting down too easily. When addressing it, I said that I would need to work on saying, "give me a minute" to work through my internal barriers, instead of shutting down completely.

That idea is just SO scary to me....but I know it's something I need to work on.

When I saw T yesterday for my individual session, I told him that when I got home from group, I thought to myself, "What on earth can the group do to help me?" (regarding my dad issues, grief, etc.)....and told him how I ended up having a full blown panic attack and then a total meltdown, bawling my eyes out for what felt like hours....

T asked me what that was about...I said, "My dad"....he said, "What about though?"....And I said, "I don't know.....I don't want to know....and that's my problem".....

It didn't dawn on me until AFTER the session that I DID know. I DID KNOW. But that fear - that internal protective barrier was there - and my automatic response was, "I don't know"....or some other benign statement.....

If I can't even get past those barriers in individual T, how on earth am I going to do it in group T?

Anybody have any suggestions on how you've been able to overcome shutting down - and working through those protective barriers?

[granite1]

not for me yet MUE but i just wanted to send my suport.i think you are doing so amazing with trying to open up in group.for me this would be an impossable task.

I also say "I don't know" or shrug a lot as I'm shutting down. I've learned to say "Give me a minute", or "I'm shutting down"... To alert my T to do some extra tugging to keep my head above water. But it's still a huge issue for me too.

(((((((MUE))))))))))

It's so hard. Lately, I've just been disappearing in my head and then having to work for SO long with T to get grounded again. I can take maybe a sentence a lot of the time before - whoosh - I'm gone.

The one or two times that I've REALLY been able to successfully talk lately, we took a lot of breaks. I would say one tiny thing and then ask a question (like "what did you have for breakfast?"). Hearing T talk about everyday life would ground me enough that I could say one more thing and then ask another question. I didn't plan it, but it worked that day, and it helped to be able to at least talk a little bit.

I do a lot of writing and drawing when something is too scary to talk about. T has a little white board, and he sits with me and I write on there.

I looked back at some old e-mails and T and I have been dancing around the current topic in therapy for a YEAR. It came up last July and I got REALLY angry at T for pushing me on it at all (which is very clear in the e-mails!) and we dropped it. A month or two ago, we started trying to talk about it again, but wow, it's slow. I'm not sure I've said much of anything. T says I get lost in the "silent darkness" in my head, and I do.

I think progress doesn't necessarily look like what we expect it to look like. For me, progress would be telling the story - saying all of the words all at once. But I CAN'T. For T, progress looks like me being willing to approach it in any way, to feel any of the feelings, to talk about talking about it, to say a word about it here or there...and then being able to ground myself back into my real life afterward. It's helping me change my expectations. I WANT it to be over with, but it can only happen how it happens. Maybe it will take a year. Or more! But when we've been holding such painful things for so long, it just has to be able to take as long as it takes.

Be gentle with you, MUE. You are doing really good work.

[elliemay]

I would definitely work on that in individual therapy first before going "live" in the group.

I'm a big believer in the blurt. It's like ripping off a band aid, the slower you go the worse it hurts.

However, when the blurt fails, is to simply say "stop! I'm having a problem", then instead of addressing what you want to say, start to understand why you are having the problem.

Originally Posted by elliemay

I'm a big believer in the blurt. It's like ripping off a band aid, the slower you go the worse it hurts.

\

I do agree that the times I've managed the blurt, as awful as it's been (because then I tend to whoosh away into the darkness in my head), it's been good, too. Because then it's OUT THERE. And I'm not holding it anymore. And T always, always, always responds just like I need him to.

T told me about the time he said the hardest thing he's ever said in therapy. He said that he finally just opened his mouth and said it - and it was REALLY hard. And I asked if it made it better or worse...and he said worse at first, and then better. That's been true for me too....but with each new thing, it's hard all over again.

Therapy is just hard, hard work. But really, SO worth it. Healing is such a gift. So hard-earned, but so good when we get it.

[elliemay]

Managing to blurt is a great way to put it.

I also wanted to add that as I advanced in my therapy, I gave myself less and less permission to remain mute.

It may sound harsh, but it all came down to me and what I would tolerate about myself and what I would not.

I told myself it was time to move forward with self-discipline, commitment and courage. I may get kicked in the teeth, but wow! like that was anything new to me.

There is a line in a Bruce Springsteen song "... and you've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above."

I so wanted to rise above.

Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. Mainly now I do.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It didn't dawn on me until AFTER the session that I DID know. I DID KNOW. But that fear - that internal protective barrier was there - and my automatic response was, "I don't know"....or some other benign statement.....

Although you didn't talk about it, you now know about it -- and I think that is the most important thing. You are not keeping it from yourself.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

*sigh*

Well, as I mentioned in my other thread, one of the dilemmas that I face in group T is shutting down too easily. When addressing it, I said that I would need to work on saying, "give me a minute" to work through my internal barriers, instead of shutting down completely.

That idea is just SO scary to me....but I know it's something I need to work on.

When I saw T yesterday for my individual session, I told him that when I got home from group, I thought to myself, "What on earth can the group do to help me?" (regarding my dad issues, grief, etc.)....and told him how I ended up having a full blown panic attack and then a total meltdown, bawling my eyes out for what felt like hours....

T asked me what that was about...I said, "My dad"....he said, "What about though?"....And I said, "I don't know.....I don't want to know....and that's my problem".....

It didn't dawn on me until AFTER the session that I DID know. I DID KNOW. But that fear - that internal protective barrier was there - and my automatic response was, "I don't know"....or some other benign statement.....

If I can't even get past those barriers in individual T, how on earth am I going to do it in group T?

Anybody have any suggestions on how you've been able to overcome shutting down - and working through those protective barriers?

I too am a big fan of the blurt...although I call it vomiting...just getting it all out at once...but somethings are too hard...I know for me admitting feelings that I have towards members of my family that are not "nice" although justified has been the hardest thing to talk about in therapy. The "thing" that caused those feelings was easier to blurt out. My feelings about it is a very difficult place to get to...and may not be blurtable....For me I started somewhere safer...talking about how I felt about good things....then how I felt about normal disagreement things....then I might mention one little negative thing...and then I had to stop.

But I don't know about doing that in Group. I have problems shutting down when there is any conflict not even my own. So for me I could work on not shutting down and protective barriers related to conflict in group...that would be much safer....You may be setting yourself up for failure expecting yourself to feel safe enough in group to do what you are not able to do yet in individual.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

If I can't even get past those barriers in individual T, how on earth am I going to do it in group T?

I think working on that in individual therapy is a good practice ground. I would think it would be easier in individual with your trusted T in a safe place than in a group of people you don't know that well. So maybe the first step is getting good at this in individual therapy.

I thought to myself, "What on earth can the group do to help me?" (regarding my dad issues, grief, etc.)....

I thought the point of this particular group was not support with issues but learning more about how you interact with others, how they respond to you, etc. If this is correct, maybe you are expecting things from this group that they are not going to give, based on the type of group this is. If you want a different sort of a group, maybe your T could recommend one? If you want to keep with this group, perhaps not sharing such painful things would be better (save those for individual therapy) or changing your expectations might help. That probably doesn't sound too helpful, but I'm just wondering if you're expecting something from this group that it is not designed to provide? I also think that your question is a great one to ask your T. Maybe he has some ideas on how the group might help that you don't see, or maybe he can help clarify how the group is and what one can expect form them.

Anybody have any suggestions on how you've been able to overcome shutting down - and working through those protective barriers?

One thing that works for me, when I find myself wanting to retreat and pull away from T or not be open, is I think to myself "how would T behave if he were in this situation?" I know he would be open, forthcoming, non-judgmental, not defensive, curious, and eager to understand. So when I am talking to him and I find myself starting to retreat I try instead to be like he would be. I have had great results with this. Sometimes I have impressed myself so much that I leave therapy thinking, I can't believe I did that! This helps me in interactions with other people outside of therapy too. I also have made little rules for myself in therapy, such as I am not allowed to say "I don't know" in response to a question from T. There was one time I broke my rule and said "I don't know", and he shot back immediately, "you do too!" So I coughed it up. Sometimes it is just that I need time to think about it so I can figure it out, and he will give me space if I need it. Other times it is that I don't want to tell him, and I sometimes tell him that and he respects it.

[Sannah]

MUE, you have taken the first step with your excellent awareness! I think that you have a good plan by saying "Give me a minute, I'm shutting down". You will get there step by step!