[granite1]

do you think that T's sometimes create situations that will make a client angry or uncomfortable .or create a rupture.

i am just trying to figure out what went on last week.i know i have a huge problem with talking .last week the way my T acted made me feel scared of not talking to her.this is the second time this has happened.the first time was when i had sent her e-mail and she wanted me to stop e- mailing her.i don't understand why she would actively want to make me feel this way.i don't see how it helps me at all .yes she gets the job done .she gets me to give her the information she wants but at what cost?why does she want me to scared of her.

do T really do this or are they really sometimes just that clueless

[confused and dazed]

Originally Posted by granite1

do you think that T's sometimes create situations that will make a client angry or uncomfortable .or create a rupture.

i am just trying to figure out what went on last week.i know i have a huge problem with talking .last week the way my T acted made me feel scared of not talking to her.this is the second time this has happened.the first time was when i had sent her e-mail and she wanted me to stop e- mailing her.i don't understand why she would actively want to make me feel this way.i don't see how it helps me at all .yes she gets the job done .she gets me to give her the information she wants but at what cost?why does she want me to scared of her.

do T really do this or are they really sometimes just that clueless

I think it may be a case where it is a little of both.. My T once mentioned that when he says/mentions things, there is a reason. Believe me, my T has definantly pushed my buttons... and it was to see if he could get a reaction from me. ( found out later when I questioned him). Yet another time, I was so ticked off after a session I wrote him a very very not nice email.... and when we spoke, he had no clue that I was upset when I left. Go figure....

[rainbow_rose]

I don't know anything about ruptures or therapist creating situation ... but I do think, due to basic human nature, therapists, as perceptive as they can be, can also be clueless about things and we, as clients, need to clue them in.

granite, I honestly do not think your therapist wants you to be scared of her. I hope you can find a way to convey your feelings and thoughts about this to her.

Purposefully challenge - yes. Purposefully make angry - mmm not that I can think of. Purposefully rupture - no. But there may be foresight... Like, T going on a 3 week vacation, they may have the foresight to see this will cause a rupture, and begin working on ways to use that in therapy.

There is a theory about "peturbing the system", meaning kind of shaking things up to encourage people to look at change. That if a situation does lead a client to feel angry, and feel challenged about behaviors, we can get them to start looking at better avenues. But I've never looked down my client list for the day and thought "Yeup, today, I'm going to piss them off"

Yeup, we're clueless at times. Again, we're human. We miss stuff. We need our clients to go "Uh, duh, hello?! Do I need to draw you a map?" Ohhh. Click. Got it now.

Granite, you often talk about being scared of things, particularly scared that your t will think this or be angry about that, etc., but the reality has always been that she hasn't been angry at you at all. It has always been something you created in your mind because you don't feel able to trust anyone. I don't think your t has ever tried to make you angry. I think you are going to really need to look at your insecurities and fears so you don't go back into this line of thinking week after week. She's not out to get you.

[ECHOES]

My T told me once that "I won't always say what you want to hear." Fair enough. Still...

Because I have a problem with thinking others are untrustworthy, that they are manipulative (rather than direct) and sneaky (rather than upfront) and have hidden agendas, etc.. when I have struggled with situations similar to the one you describe, I find it is my misperceptions at work: my fears cause me to misperceive the other person and/or the situation.
I am trying to learn to 1. not act on my feelings at that time; and to try to just non-judgementally allow my perceptions and the fears that are being aroused, and to explore those as best I can.
Doing this helps me to be able to talk directly to T about my thoughts about the situation (so she can tell me her thoughts and what she actually was feeling and we compare that to my thoughts). That has become enjoyable and is so relieving too.

You're doing so well granite! You're now willing to think more about what you're experiencing and I think that's a huge accomplishment for you.

I've asked my T about this. He said he's "not smart enough" to manufacture a rupture I think that in the course of long-term therapy, things are just going to come up...we're going to hear something in a way T didn't intend, T is going to say something stupid, our issues are going to bump up against whatever it is that T is saying, etc. etc. etc. and ruptures just HAPPEN. I can imagine my T challenging me, but really, not ever *upsetting* me on purpose.

It feels unlikely that just as you are building trust your T would upset you on purpose.

[karebear1]

I've felt this way too granite- those exact thoughts have gone through my mind over and over again, but when I have finally asked- T says she did not take action action purposely or she says what tree's T says.... "I'm not smart enough " stuff.

It feels too much like they do it purposely doesn't it?

[Butterflies Are Free]

I hope you are feeling better, granite. I think that most Ts want to work with their patients, create a good/strong/healthy relationship, and help us work through our hardest issues. If you are able to, you might want to mention all of your fears to your T. Sometimes just talking about it and admitting that you have some fears is enough to slowly change them.

[elliemay]

No I do not think a therapist would ever purposefully chose to disrupt the therapeutic relationship just to "shake things up". I am of the opinion that would be close to malpractice in fact.

We can and should expect our therapists to challenge us, but never ever intentionally behave like an ***. That is the equivalent of poking the client to see if they will jump.

With every challenge, or every defense that is laid bare, it is incumbent on the therapist to help the client develop and new and effective one.

If I thought my therapist ever did this, or even thought creating a rupture was a valid and purposeful technique, I would fire him on the spot.

[PTSDlovemycats]

I agree with Stormyangels yet again. I definitely think that they purposely challenge us and mine will also "peturb the system". Remember Granite, your T is there to help you, not cause you more problems or more pain. Thinking of you!

no i don't think they do it purposely either. i think they are just clueless sometimes and it is up to us, the client, to say something to the effect of what we are feeling.

i know t figures it out because i slam the door when i leave if i am angry. not very nice, however it does convey my feelings

[Sannah]

I think it is us, not the therapist. If a child has a really good upbringing they will have healthy boundaries, self worth, be able to express feelings and stand up for themselves. These experiences in life will foster trust with others and they won't expect people to harm them. These healthy people are flexible and can deal with most anything that comes at them.

Now the rest of us, who weren't as fortunate, come from a different angle. We don't trust, we expect others to hurt us, we can't stand up for ourselves or express our feelings. We project our past onto others and have transference. We feel bad about ourselves and get triggered very easily.

No matter what a therapist does, this therapist will trigger us. We have issues ripe to being triggered. Healthy people bump up against people all day long and do just fine. Those of us who have work to do, do not have this luxury.

With work you will get there, though..........

I have been fortunte to travel from the one side to the other.