[SoupDragon]

T got me to imagine "her" in the room with us - hadn't managed to do that before. He was kind to her and she responded - I was really freaked out, didn't want T to see "her", didn't want "her" to have anything to do with T, but couldn't stop her. I am now scared that T and "she" will gang up on me - this even sounds weird to me, I can't make sense of it but am terrified of my session next week.

My head had been so much clearer and mood not so low, I am scared of going back there - is there a point when I should just accept me as I am and get on with life instead of prodding and probing too much?

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

T got me to imagine "her" in the room with us - hadn't managed to do that before. He was kind to her and she responded - I was really freaked out, didn't want T to see "her", didn't want "her" to have anything to do with T, but couldn't stop her. I am now scared that T and "she" will gang up on me - this even sounds weird to me, I can't make sense of it but am terrified of my session next week.

My head had been so much clearer and mood not so low, I am scared of going back there - is there a point when I should just accept me as I am and get on with life instead of prodding and probing too much?

Soup Dragon, you are doing so much great work. IMO, this is a time when you are going to have to trust your T. You know he cares about you and wants the best for you. He will not do anything to hurt you.

You should talk to your T. about your feelings and about the issues this brought up....Do not give up...you have come so far. You encourage me.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Soup Dragon, you are doing so much great work. IMO, this is a time when you are going to have to trust your T. You know he cares about you and wants the best for you. He will not do anything to hurt you.

You should talk to your T. about your feelings and about the issues this brought up....Do not give up...you have come so far. You encourage me.

Thank you so much for this Readytostop. Therapy has been such a struggle for me - I really thought 6 sessions and I would be fixed, I had no idea of the enormity of the problem that lay festering inside of me. This was made worse by some challenging real life stuff that was (is) going on and so up until now the sessions have really focused on stabilising things in the here and now. For the last few weeks, I have felt brave enough to prise my fingers away from the side I had been clinging on to and realised that yeah! I can float.

I thnk T sensed that too and looking back I can see T had thrown in a few floats here and there just in case I needed them (some grounding stuff / imagined safe places).

T had tried in the past to talk to "her" didn't push, but just acknolwdged that she was there and T meant her no harm. But at my last session, she came forward quite easily and actually wanted to engage with him and look at him and it all feels so weird - like reality being swept away.

I know I do have a clear grip on reality, but when I get into that imagined bit of me again, it is all very strange. I feel I have lost control of her and she has "escaped" me and she and him will sit and talk and leave me out of the loop - that is very scarey. I hate her and I don't think she has a high opinion of me either (wow this is sounder weirder by the second) - The other strange bit is that I do not remember very much at all from my younger childhood and when he asked her age in the session, she was 5 - so it feels like she may know things that I don't know. I am so sure that I wasn't a victim of CA at that age, but I can't understand why it is all so scarey or why she is that age - I know not so pleasant things happened to me at an older age, so why is she there aged 5?

T looked different to me yesterday, not so warm and safe - yes I need to hang on to that trust thing, but it is hard right now to take that risk - T told me once to keep coming even if T turned bad, and maybe this is the point in time that I have to hold on to that too.

Thank-you again for your post, it is helpful knowing people are out there. SD

[Asiablue]

safe hugs.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Wanting you to know I am supporting you and think you have tons of courage.
If it helps: I entered a group for survivors way back in 1996 and when the group ended, asked the group therapist to be my individual T. My first comment in the group was, "I don't think I really belong here..." Now, some 10yrs. later, and I am so glad I stayed with my T and continued to work on my issues. It does take a long time but the benefits will last you a lifetime. Keep up the great work!!!!!

SD, your bravery and hard work are such an encouragement. Even your willingness to walk in faith with your T. inspires me to do more hard work.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Butterflies Are Free

Wanting you to know I am supporting you and think you have tons of courage.
If it helps: I entered a group for survivors way back in 1996 and when the group ended, asked the group therapist to be my individual T. My first comment in the group was, "I don't think I really belong here..." Now, some 10yrs. later, and I am so glad I stayed with my T and continued to work on my issues. It does take a long time but the benefits will last you a lifetime. Keep up the great work!!!!!

Thank-you, yes I guess it is important not to lose sight of the longer term goals when going through the hard stuff. Thanks for the encouragement. SD

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

SD, your bravery and hard work are such an encouragement. Even your willingness to walk in faith with your T. inspires me to do more hard work.

Thanks for this - thing much better today - T and I had a little exchange of e-mails and I remind myself that thoughts and feelings, although sometimes difficult, do pass and they are not real life events happening now.

The faith bit is really hard - I have big trust issues, but hold on to that comment T previously made - I figure if I can't take a risk now in trusting T completely, where do I go then?



SD