[confuseduk]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this and have a question. I've had some bad experiences with therapists in the past so was reluctant to see anyone else. Recently I found a counsellor who gave me lots of reassurance via e-mail before I went to see her. She's been really good and doesn't push me with things as she knows I have trust issues as well. After each session I send an e-mail to thank her for her time and she always replies.Last week I had a really painful session, and I e-mailed her after to thank her but she never replied, I worried all week that she was annoyed with me or I'd said too much. I've seen her this week and apologised for last session and she asked if I was worried cos she hadn't replied, I lied and said no. Anyway I sent a thank you this week and no reply again and she's on holiday now so I'm worried again. i feel it's polite to message and it makes me feel better when she replies and I don't message again til next time. It helps me to know she's ok with me after I've gone. So now I'm worried, why has she suddenly stopped replying? Am I in the wrong for messaging with a thank you? Sorry for the long msg but I could do with an opinion s thanks

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by confuseduk

Hi everyone, I'm new to this and have a question. I've had some bad experiences with therapists in the past so was reluctant to see anyone else. Recently I found a counsellor who gave me lots of reassurance via e-mail before I went to see her. She's been really good and doesn't push me with things as she knows I have trust issues as well. After each session I send an e-mail to thank her for her time and she always replies.Last week I had a really painful session, and I e-mailed her after to thank her but she never replied, I worried all week that she was annoyed with me or I'd said too much. I've seen her this week and apologised for last session and she asked if I was worried cos she hadn't replied, I lied and said no. Anyway I sent a thank you this week and no reply again and she's on holiday now so I'm worried again. i feel it's polite to message and it makes me feel better when she replies and I don't message again til next time. It helps me to know she's ok with me after I've gone. So now I'm worried, why has she suddenly stopped replying? Am I in the wrong for messaging with a thank you? Sorry for the long msg but I could do with an opinion s thanks

Hi, if you are just saying thankyou and nothing else, maybe she feels like she doesn't have to reply, maybe she doesn't realise that for you it's a security thing to hear back from her. I think you need to be honest with her, she wouldn't deliberately hurt you or cause you anxiety.

xxx

[kaliope]

confuseduk
where i am from, it is not really typical for there to be so much correspondence outside of a therapy session. from what you have written it could be that your emails with T were based on your trust issues, her knowing them, she emailed with you to offer those reassurances to you because she felt that you needed them. not that i could explain your T's actions, but maybe she did not email you back after the particulary painful session because by being able to share your pain with her, it was an indication that you finally trusted her so maybe she did not feel you needed that email reassurance any longer. then when it was brought up in session, instead of being truthful with her, letting her know you needed that continued reassurance, you affirmed that you were fine without it. so she has continued to not follow up with you after appointments because she is falsely under the impression that you feel secure in your relationship with her. so if you need those follow ups you need to let her know. i can tell you that most T's arent used to getting correspondence thanking them for their time after sessions. usually a simple thank you after session is over is sufficient.

[missbelle]

Sounds you are looking for her approval. Why do you feel like her approval is needed? You have hired her to help you get well, and deal with issues. You are in charge, and she is there to help you as a Professional. She will remain that professional and her goal is to get you well. She is paid for her services to you. Her approval is not necessary. You are there to get well,and to be able to live a stable life. That is her job.It does not matter if she approves or not.....you are there to get well only!

I hope that helps you a little. Be strong and in charge of your mental health and wellness!

Unless there is a real reason to respond and unless you specifically ask for a response, your t will probably not respond. That's pretty normal. There is no need to email a thank you every week in order to get her approval. You might want to talk to her about your apprehensions though.

[confuseduk]

Thanks everyone. It's just when I've messaged to thank her before she's always replied, just with a your welcome or see you next time. Just wondered why it had suddenly stopped. I know I don't have to thank her but I feel I should, I'm hard work and I find it difficult to open up and sometimes I feel it's easier to send a message with a thank you rather than to say it. Do you think I should stop mailing then if it's weird?

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by missbelle

Sounds you are looking for her approval. Why do you feel like her approval is needed? You have hired her to help you get well, and deal with issues. You are in charge, and she is there to help you as a Professional. She will remain that professional and her goal is to get you well. She is paid for her services to you. Her approval is not necessary. You are there to get well,and to be able to live a stable life. That is her job.It does not matter if she approves or not.....you are there to get well only!

I hope that helps you a little. Be strong and in charge of your mental health and wellness!

I guess I do feel like I need her approval, I know I pay her and we're not friends but I want everyone to like me and if I have to share all this dark stuff I need her to like me too. When she replies I feel better and that I can cope til next session but now she's stopped I'm anxious about it and struggling. Next appointment seems so far away

[Wren_]

I think you need to ask your T about this and admit that the no reply upset you; ask her about emailing and say you would really like a reply and see what she does with that?

[confuseduk]

Thanks tigergirl, not seeing her til next month now cos she's on hol I really struggle to talk to her and I guess I don't want to seem needy. She always replied before even when she didn't have to and I'm worried ifI tell her she'll only reply because I've asked her and not because she wants to like before, if that makes sense?

[Wren_]

Makes sense; but maybe she would reply for both reasons? because you asked and because she wants to?

[confuseduk]

Do you think so? I hate feeling this way, it's really churning me up and I don't understand why

[Wren_]

I can understand the feelings You can always try; then if she doesn't reply leave it at that since she is on holiday. If she does reply, then good This time say you'd appreciate a reply though so at least she knows.

[confuseduk]

I sent her a message after our session to say thanks and to have a good holiday, don't think it would be a good idea to message again, don't want her to think I'm pestering her and get fed up of me. Maybe its just not that important. Thanks Tigergirl, appreciate the messages

[iamspecial]

to PC!! She will be ok with you!! She might not reply b/c you are thanking her for your session and she won't know how you feel unless you tell her!! If you lie then she wont know so its best to be honest with her Don't worry about it, she might like your messages to say thank you. Sending massive hugs special

[confuseduk]

Thanks special. I hope so. Maybe next time I'll check if she wants me to stop, I'd hate to make her feel uncomfortable. It's just I feel I'm very hard work and like to thank her for her time and effort. to you too

[iamspecial]

You're very You can ask if you would like too, i'm sure that she would tell you if she was uncomfortable with anything so don't worry about that ok? And you wont be hard work!! She is used to working with people with problems (its her JOB) ha ha and its very kind of you to want to thank her for that and im sure she will be ok with them, please try not to worry and i'm here if you need to talk!! back to you too!!

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by iamspecial

You're very You can ask if you would like too, i'm sure that she would tell you if she was uncomfortable with anything so don't worry about that ok? And you wont be hard work!! She is used to working with people with problems (its her JOB) ha ha and its very kind of you to want to thank her for that and im sure she will be ok with them, please try not to worry and i'm here if you need to talk!! back to you too!!

Aww thanks special, that means a lot. I'm here if you need to talk too Thanks but I am hard work, I can't even look at her and talk sometimes and she says there's a heaviness with me. I wish she was back Think the least I can do is thank her, it's not being kind it's just polite.
Big hugs for you special Hope things are improving for you

[BonnieJean]

Hi Confused, I know how it feels to be watching that inbox for a reply from your T. Hang in there. I stopped 'thanking' her and started using 'I' messages about how I felt about the session. It got better results for me. Thanking can be a conversation stopper sometimes.

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

Hi Confused, I know how it feels to be watching that inbox for a reply from your T. Hang in there. I stopped 'thanking' her and started using 'I' messages about how I felt about the session. It got better results for me. Thanking can be a conversation stopper sometimes.

Thanks Bonnie Jean, I appreciate that How are you finding your sessions?

[iamspecial]

Originally Posted by confuseduk

Aww thanks special, that means a lot. I'm here if you need to talk too. Thanks but I am hard work, I can't even look at her and talk sometimes and she says there's a heaviness with me. I wish she was back, Think the least I can do is thank her, it's not being kind it's just polite.
Big hugs for you special Hope things are improving for you

You're very welcome has always and thank you too I bet every person that she see's is hard work but it is her job that she has been trained to do!! And you don't alway have to look at them if it is hard (i don't always look at mine b/c if i did i tend to laugh b/c after a while eye contact freaks me out) She will be back soon hun so don't worry and till she is i am here for you anytime True it is polite and kind
Massive hugs back to you confuseduk Thanks you too!!

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by iamspecial

You're very welcome has always and thank you too. I bet every person that she see's is hard work but it is her job that she has been trained to do!! And you don't alway have to look at them if it is hard (i don't always look at mine b/c if i did i tend to laugh b/c after a while eye contact freaks me out) She will be back soon hun so don't worry and till she is i am here for you anytime True it is polite and kind
Massive hugs back to you confuseduk Thanks you too!!

I know what you mean special hard to have eye contact when you're talking about stuff. Thanks, September just seems so far away but I hope she's enjoying her holiday, reckon she deserves one! Thanks for being here, here for you too. Big hugs

[iamspecial]

I totally agree, eye contact is very hard when talking about hard things!! Well if you come into chat more and talk with me september will be soon here and you will be thinking where has it gone ha ha it was soooooooooooooo fun talking to you last night in chat!! You are sooooooooooo like me ha ha. You're very and thank you too!! Massive hugs!!

[confuseduk]

Originally Posted by iamspecial

I totally agree, eye contact is very hard when talking about hard things!! Well if you come into chat more and talk with me september will be soon here and you will be thinking where has it gone ha ha it was soooooooooooooo fun talking to you last night in chat!! You are sooooooooooo like me ha ha. You're very and thank you too!! Massive hugs!!

Aww thanks, that's very kind Haha I had fun too, we'll do it again, us northerners stick together

[iamspecial]

Originally Posted by confuseduk

Aww thanks, that's very kind Haha I had fun too, we'll do it again, us northerners stick together

You're very welcome!! Yup we deffo do stick together ha ha ha