Do Hugs replace words and is that one reason why we desire them?

Hope that's legal in the state you're moving to!

crazy, I know I'm naive, but I don't get what the icons are doing! Hitting? Fighting?

poking - it's a poke, it's a prod to do something, a hint, a push. subtle, with a tree branch! I love it! CCBG will use it to urge us past a resistance. Sorry, I am speaking for someone else, rule break. It's just so charming when she does it! Your resistance just melts, you're laughing at yourself so hard!

Thank you for explaining. Of course, it looks to those of us who are of the clueless and gutter-minded, like a somewhat bizarre rendition of a timeless interaction.

Anne

I intensely dislike hugs from people I don't know and/or don't have a special emotional connection with. (Usually.) That's the culture in which I was raised (non-hugging.)

Now, I have some relatives-by-marriage who grew up in "hugging cultures" and who really warmly care for me. I absolutely love getting their hugs.

I really do appreciate a good handshake, just about anytime, from anyone. I specify "a good handshake." I would rather get no handshake than a hand shake from someone who does not know how to shake a hand.

Most Americans in places where I have lived aren't very good at either handshakes or hugs. I spent some time in England, Wales, and Ireland. Handshaking is an art form there. I just loved their handshakes. I always felt the handshake I got was tailor-made just for me. It communicated all kinds of things. Think about it - the hands are the most tactile surface of the body.

Once I showed up on the doorstep of a relative who is from a hugging culture and who is a world class hugger. I arrived there in tears, after some very sad stuff. Well this relative wrapped me in a hug and actually rocked me side to side in that hug. It said, "You are in need of consolation and I will console you."

What was I saying while participating in the prolonged rocking hug? I was saying: "I feel heart broken like a lost child, and thank you for wrapping me in your love."

I have never wished to be hugged by a therapist. Maybe I'm odd. For me that is too much a family thing to do with someone who is rendering a professional service. What I would like very much is for a T to just rub one corner of my back in a circle - just briefly - while saying "I think well of you."

As far as my T goes, I like to think her hugs mean "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere and you are protected and loved"

I had my first rocking hug just last week. LOVED IT! Who came up with that anyway? They should get the noble prize for awesomeness.

My therapist and I also hugged (not rocking) last week for the 3rd time in over 10 years. It was the first time that I ever engaged in the hug. It was nice. He's a good guy - the best really.

(((((((((( echoes )))))))))) what an interesting thread.

After reading on PC about hugs I finally got up my nerve to just ask my T if I could have one and she said "of course". Now she is sure to give me one as I leave, & I don't ask any more. Sometimes she even says, I need to give you your hug before we go out there. Yes there are sessions when I feel too worthless to accept one, but that's another story.

I don't know how she feels about it (don't want to go there), but for me that hug is a momentary chance to vividly experience the gratitude I feel for her guidance. At same time I feel powerless to convey this, but I usually will tell her "God bless you". With your thread I realize that not only was my Mom not huggy, she didn't like to be touched & often got angry if we children tried (these were all residuals from earlier traumas of her own). this has given me a lot to think about. thanks!!

I don't think hugs replace words or words, hugs. I think touch is its own way of communicating, has it's own "vocabulary". It's known that touching is necessary for life; if you don't pick up and handle an infant, it dies. I don't think that need goes away.

I think anything we want/need and don't get much of takes on a life of its own? Look at money :-) Lots of people think if they only had money. . . or if they only weighed x pounds. . . or if they only, etc. But when we have "enough" of something we want/need, we're just more balanced?

My abusive stepmother got old and senile; she's been dead 10 years this summer. I remember a couple years before she died, she was staying at my house and would have trouble waking in the morning. One morning I climbed in bed behind her and just started rubbing her back -- don't know why; it's not something I normally would do! But I'm rubbing her back and just thinking about hugs and back rubs and being triggered back to when I was 5 and would get out of the bath at night and she'd rub me down with the towel and get me in my PJ's (footed, of course :-) and into bed where there'd be further back rubbing and covering with blankets and the whole, sweet, putting-to-bed ritual. And I'm thinking about all that and remembering and also realizing that here I'm rubbing my mother's back, almost 50 years later, and wondering when was the last time she had someone touch her in a warm, caring way instead of just incidentally, automatically. Then I wondered about myself again and what it would be like to be "alone" at 85, with no one to rub my back or give my bottom a pat (my husband does every night before I go up to bed).

I thought they were just thoughts and realizations and musings. But when I went "out" later that week, to work and in the world, I no longer was afraid of touch! I could make my way through crowds, firmly touching people's shoulders and inserting myself in some of their space with an "Excuse me!" slowly moving forward -- I'd never been able to do that before. When huggers went to hug me, I could be hugged without being so stiff and anxious, could even do a bit of hugging back (but still, wondering when to let go and who lets go first, etc. got in my way :-) I felt "part of" a larger space around me as if my anxiety borders had moved back again. And I think that's what happened.

I don't think we just have "mental" problems that we're fighting with words, we also have physical ones. Intellectually we know eating "right" and getting enough sleep and exercise will make us feel better mentally, but we forget or something. It's been shown that exercise can be as useful for depression relief as meds! http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/08...ion/28912.html

So, I don't think hugs replace words, but if we can get to a place where we can give and receive hugs, that might replace some of our meds?

Perna, I love this. Before I got my huggy therapist, I was starved for touch, and would touch people at work, unconsciously, just on the arm, but still it was kinda inappropriate. No sense of anyone's boundaries! And honestly, the first 3 years of hugs with T were pretty stiff and awkward. I get the impression that people here think that even that first hug will be magical. It's no walk in the park from my experience. it's been hard work! okay, not that tough! but to take it seriously and be aware of your feelings and notice how they change over time and report that - maybe a lot more talking goes on with hugging than you would think. Certain kinds of hugs make me feel very secure, so why do I want one now, and now how do I feel, and the eternal open question, "what else is going on?"! To me, feeling happy and secure IN THAT ROOM, then going out into the world, is how it was supposed to be, how I was supposed to be able to present myself to the world from home. As we used to say at work, it's an Attitude Adjustment - but without the alcohol?!

I think its more fantasy with me. I only imagine "the hug" and am not prepared for "after the hug" when the feeling of loss would sweep over me again, so I think its more about a very young babies need to be touched that I am yearning for still, that a hug in the here and now can never replace those early yrs pre verbal when touch was very much more meaningful??? So if I had to think of words, it would be more a gaagaa language, I think its finding words to talk about the pre-verbal hugs we needed so bad that will are looking for most???

I've had to change therapists 4 times over the last 6 years with moving. Each relationship has had hugs after an initial times. When one relationship ended it was always a question - when will the new therapist and I start to hug? My last therapist, I straight out asked in our first session - do you hug your clients? If she'd said no, I'd have kept on looking. I've noticed that the hugs become more meaningful with time. Particularly my current therapist, the first time she hugged me (mabye 2 months into our relationship), it was quick and forced almost and I was thinking, wow that's the best you got? As time has gone on, our hugs have become deeper and last for longer and more meaningful. I think it's cool how the hugs parallel the development of the relationship.

For me, like several others have said, a hug represents: "I understand you, I love and care about you despite your imperfections, and I'm not going anywhere." They are enormously important to my therapy relationships. BUT, hugs don't replace words as they say these words aloud to me too. Hugs are just another way of expressing them to me/reinforce these messages to someone who has trouble sometimes trusting and believing words. I find that I am more verbal with my feelings because I can physically *feel* our connection. This is important to me.

I think for me, hugs say, "Hey, I really like you and care about you. I want to connect with you." I initiate hugs with my T and she initiates them with me. Sometimes they are short and sometimes, if I am upset, they are longer. I love all of the different replies.