[zooropa]

My t keeps using that phrase, and I'm not sure what she means. What does accepting life on life's terms mean to YOU?

[2or3things]

It's a total guess, Zoo, but I think it means learning to roll with the punches rather than resisting them. The thing is, life will continue to be what it is, whether or not you accept reality and learn to work with it. If you don't accept it, life doesn't get angry or upset or depressed...you do!

I think it sounds like something my T might say, so let me give you an example. I've spent years refusing to accept the fact that there's no way to make up for or change the reality of my mother's neglect and abuse when I was a kid. When I finally figured out that she'll never be who I wanted her to be--nor would it make a difference sincethe abuse was in the past, so a "redo" today wouldn't really accomplish much--I started looking to other women for mothering. For years, now, I've done that, despite the reality that even when I've gotten some of it, it doesn't really help. The best thing I could do would be to mourn the losses and move on, but I'm stuck because I can't accept the reality that that will always be a hole in my life that nothing can simply "fix."

Anyway, that's me, but does it sound familiar to you? Are there times when you're unwilling to accept reality and react accordingly? Do you think you're especially stubborn about anything in particular that doesn't ultimately serve you well?

[skysblue]

Why not ask her what she means?

[ECHOES]

To me it means something about trying to control what you can't control. There are so many ways to do that. Wanting to know what we can't know - the unknown, the future, how something will turn out, other's thoughts, other's intentions, other's motivations, etc.

Learning to be able to deal with what life hands me is something that just keeps expanding. The better I can deal with what comes my way, the wider my world becomes because I don't try to avoid having things come my way. It is almost like perpetual motion.

When I began therapy I wanted a do-over. I wanted my T to be someone who knew just what I wanted and needed and missed out on growing up, and who could then provide me with that so I could be whole. It hasn't worked that way and there was a lot of disappointment to deal with. Instead, she walks beside me and helps me understand what is happening, and helps me learn about myself and about others. About life. Life that is kind and fair sometimes and mean and harsh other times - not intentionally but just because that's how it works. When it is mean and harsh I could spend a week feeling angry, disappointed, betrayed, hurt... but if I can let go of wanting to make it something other than what it is, the pain lessens much more quickly and then I am free.

[missbelle]

[quote=2or3things;2079367]It's a total guess, Zoo, but I think it means learning to roll with the punches rather than resisting them. The thing is, life will continue to be what it is, whether or not you accept reality and learn to work with it. If you don't accept it, life doesn't get angry or upset or depressed...you do!

I agree with this in that sometimes its all about acceptance. Truly sometimes very hard........we keep hitting our head against the wall because we don't like what life is offering at this minute. We keep running against the current rather then with the current and its always, always a battle for us.

We want things to be different. We are not happy..we want more money, a different job, different parents, to get married, to get divorced, to be well, to be thin, to be pretty, to have our hair be curly...blah, blah.....its never enough. We want more control. We want to fix things now. We cannot wait.....

Yes, there are things that can be changed but a lot of it is acceptance. Dealing with the "now.'Letting go, and letting be...its about calmness, peace, and serenity......its about not fighting.....it does not mean giving up, it just means...slow down....let the universe take care of things...

Then also as the last post said, "simply ask your "t"what she means.That's an easy one!!

Hugs;

[zooropa]

oh, I fully intend on asking her what she means. It's just that right now, for whatever reason, I'm a little fixated on that phrase and what it might mean, and I'm trying really hard to avoid texting her to ask because really I don't need to know right now.

I'm trying to give T more space, because I'm pretty sure she needs and wants that. I've already texted her a couple times today, and I think that if I did so again she would probably answer, but I'm sort of paranoid about the fact that she is sick of me, sick of dealing with me, and so I picture her groaning when she sees another text from me. Groaning, and then reading and answering it because she knows I'm in pain and she does care about me and she doesn't want to leave me hanging.

Basically, I just want to explore this idea with people other than T in the hopes that it will lower my urge to explore it with her right this minute.

[lastyearisblank]

Well does it feel like a criticism that she said that? Where does it feel like she was going with that?

[zooropa]

I don't know where she's going with that. I do know that "accepting life on life's terms" is used in AA a lot, and that's where T got it. Acceptance is, of course, also a big part of DBT, and I have no argument that acceptance is important.

I just don't quite understand what "life's terms" are, you know? Does it mean accepting what is happening, or what has happened, rather than trying to change it? To me that is acceptance (or radical acceptance, as it's called in DBT terms) and I don't understand or know if there is a difference between that and "accepting life on life's terms."

anyway, I will ask T and then I'll come and let you guys know. Maybe it's one of those things that means something different to everyone.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I don't know where she's going with that. I do know that "accepting life on life's terms" is used in AA a lot, and that's where T got it. Acceptance is, of course, also a big part of DBT, and I have no argument that acceptance is important.

I just don't quite understand what "life's terms" are, you know? Does it mean accepting what is happening, or what has happened, rather than trying to change it? To me that is acceptance (or radical acceptance, as it's called in DBT terms) and I don't understand or know if there is a difference between that and "accepting life on life's terms."

anyway, I will ask T and then I'll come and let you guys know. Maybe it's one of those things that means something different to everyone.

This is a good train of thought to have with yourself. The next logical question, to me at least, would be what would any difference between the two phrases mean in real terms? As in behaviour changing terms.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by zooropa

My t keeps using that phrase, and I'm not sure what she means. What does accepting life on life's terms mean to YOU?

To me it means not trying to control every aspect of life. Being flexible and accepting things as they are and not getting upset when things don't turn out exactly the way you had hoped and also not getting down on yourself for having "failed" to control every detail. I think life is more enjoyable when we don't feel we have to control everything. Just let life enfold and don't judge what happens as necessarily good or bad, but just the way it is, and try to enjoy or make use of what is there before you.