[WePow]

Ok. Now that I have some energy and am healing up, I can write about this. Would appreciate any insights others have. And yes, I will talk this over with my T on Tuesday - maybe. LOL.

My T uses a dry erase board. I have used it from time to time in session.
Last week I was talking about my self image (something I am working on) and put some things on the board about it. No big deal.

I had not put anything on the whiteboard in a while, but had used it when I first started seeing my T. Oddly, that is also a way I used to get intouch with my alters (DID) in private, so it felt natural to use a whiteboard with my T. I remember I would always want to be the one to erase it, but T would tell me to leave it up. He would erase it later on after I left, but I never thought anything about it. It felt like my "stuff" was safe there with him on the whiteboard even if he erased it later on.
And I have come into session many times and saw the stuff from other clients, and I kinda smiled inside thinking how T thought about things a lot. He is WAY too bright!

Anyway, the last session I had that "stuff" on the board when we left.
But as I was about to walk out the main office door, I turned my head to glance back at my T - kinda a final glance to hold with me as it had been a very good session.

There T stood erasing my junk!

I didn't think or feel anything at the time outside of knowing that what I saw had hit me inside where I don't let things get me. But that night I bawled about it! I let myself feel everything and realized it was the very young part of me that felt this. Not an alter, but the me that has always been me. The me I am most afraid of knowing I think.

I used my skills my T taught me and I realized with my adult "scientist" brain that T may have been keeping my session private. Or he may have needed to write something himself. Or he may have had a next client who liked to use the whiteboard and T was giving him a blank slate.

But my little kid monkey brain was flat out hurt. I can't figure out why that triggered my little part so deeply. But I will deal with that in session tomorrow. All I know is my little part was like "I will NEVER EVER EVER write on his stupid board again for the rest of my life!!!" -- insert kicking of feet and pounding clenched fists into the floor.

Has anyone else here had this happen? How did you feel and deal with it?

PS - I just shot myself in the foot because I sent this post to my T - so now I WILL have to face it! UGGG!

[Omers]

ROFL about sending the post to T. I just left T a voice mail and am flipping out over it!

Someone inside is screaming YES!!! I remember that!!! unfortunately it wasn't me so I don't know the details.

Maybe that little one has a need for her stuff to stay with T and be there next time she comes. Would she maybe like her own board that she could bring and leave stuff on it until next session?

I know some of my parts just need to "put it out there" and then they seem to be over it. Others need to put things out there and study it for a while. Yet others need to put it out there so that they can physically manipulate it and reconstruct it for themselves.

Maybe this little one has a different way of working?

[Wren_]

it seems the big thing here and what is making it so hard is that ... this is the very deepest part of you; not an insider but a part of you who has maybe not had a voice or been allowed to feel or express for a very long time? and the options are ... to try to run and hide from that part of you and lock away those feelings and hurt (which can cause more hurt but in our minds can feel safer) or to somehow jump in and look further with your T's help and support

you already worked out the possible reasons for erasing so that doesn't seem like the issue more about what it touched?

(((((((WePow)))))))

It sounds like your little one had her feelings hurt. Maybe felt pushed aside or forgotten?? I know that being forgotten is a big issue for me, so that could just be my projection.

I use a white board a lot with T, just a little one that I can hold on my lap. And like you, my little parts use it a LOT. I always erase it myself before I leave (or ask T to do it). I've never really thought about why...

I'm glad you sent T the post and that you're going to address it. It sounds like something important has been stirred up...and as awful as it feels when it happens, that's how we heal.

[Oceanwave]

((((WePow)))

Did you manage to process this in session? I hope you understand what triggered you. I can see why he might want to erase your things from the board to protect your privacy and maintain confidentiality. Be reassured that he didn't wipe you from his mind, but I can see how the symbolism of this can be potentially upsetting.

[WePow]

Been slammed with work and recovering from my infection.

I went to session Tue and we were able to work through the whiteboard issue. It is has to do with stuff that happened to me in school because of my dyslexia. They didn't know how to deal with kids like me back then. So when I would be forced to write things on the chalkboard only to have the teacher tell me it was wrong and it looked right to me and then erase what I did as kids laughed... well it messed with me.

T and I suspect this could be a part of my writer's block. We are going to work on that.
I also got to see T today. It was not a bad emergancy... it was a desire to see him and I asked and he had the time. He said he was very glad I came in to see him. We had a relaxed session and good for bonding.

[Perna]

Oh, how neat that you figured out the dyslexia/wrong/erase part! I had something similar with my need to always correct people's grammar/spelling. I suddenly figured out 10-15 years ago that, because my mother had aphasia as a result of her brain tumor operation, right when I was learning to talk, not speaking well meant the person was going to die (like my mother did)! So, I couldn't allow mistakes with words. Too, when I get excited or anxious and am talking, I get all mixed up and trip over my words bad, leave out key information and go blank, etc. It's been a great help working on it though, having a clue where it might have come from/formed at.

[WePow]

Perna, wow! Thank you for sharing! It is amazing to see how the mind works to protect us!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WePow

And I have come into session many times and saw the stuff from other clients.

Doesn't that violate their confidentiality?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WePow

I used my skills my T taught me and I realized with my adult "scientist" brain that T may have been keeping my session private. Or he may have needed to write something himself. Or he may have had a next client who liked to use the whiteboard and T was giving him a blank slate.

But my little kid monkey brain was flat out hurt. I can't figure out why that triggered my little part so deeply. But I will deal with that in session tomorrow. All I know is my little part was like "I will NEVER EVER EVER write on his stupid board again for the rest of my life!!!" -- insert kicking of feet and pounding clenched fists into the floor.

Has anyone else here had this happen? How did you feel and deal with it?

PS - I just shot myself in the foot because I sent this post to my T - so now I WILL have to face it! UGGG!

Good analysis, good coping. You did well!