[SoupDragon]

As I have posted on here before, I have been really torn between continuing with therapy or taking a break. Christmas is coming, my ex H, gave me a small amount of money towards the kids presents etc. and I found, myself in a dliemma of buying something modest for them or taking a break from my sessions.

As I have been feeling more upbeat I decided to e-mail T and say I was going to take a break for at least the next 3 weeks.

I did that and was feeling OKish about it, then heard from my kids that yesterday they and my ex H had to climb over the fence to get in my house as he had left my house keys with a friend by accident (both me and my ex work and therefore when I am at work he picks them up from school and brings them home). This friend is someone who has been in prison in the past, my ex H hadn't seen him for about 2 years as the last time the friend punched him and the friend is also the person who made obscene phonecalls to me in the past.

Hearing that from my kids really wobbled me - I am trying to be cool about it, wondering whether I am over-reacting (I know my ex H would say I am), but I am really uncomfortable about my ex having so little respect for my safety / security. He is someone who is reckless and I spent 17 years living in what was for me a really scarey environment.

I want to raise it with with him, but I would really appreciate someone elses perspective as I said, I am not sure whether I am making mountains out of molehills and no doubt he will accuse me of being over anxious.

Usually I may talk to T about this but in view of the cancelled sessions, I don't feel it is reasonable to e-mail him. Soup

[unaluna]

How old are your kids? Might be better to give THEM the keys? I had house keys probably from 5th grade. Are you going to have to change the locks? I would be pretty upset about this, money is already tight and I would hate to have to spend it on stupid locks, but I don't know if I would be comfortable, knowing the keys were with this person.

[ECHOES]

Trust your instincts on this one. It makes perfect sense to me!
I would have the lock tumblers changed immediately because it's so important. It is your place and you have the right to feel secure there, and to make sure your kids are secure, too. Easier to change the lock tumblers now that to have regrets later.

I also would definitely raise the issue with your ex and calmly explain the reasons why he may not give the key to anyone else without your permission and knowledge, that it is for the safety of the children.

[Perna]

If you are not comfortable; you are not comfortable! How you feel is not a function of anyone else and their opinions about how you should feel.

I would just state categorically to your ex that you do not want the keys to your house left with that person, not accidentally, not intentionally, not at all. I would remind your ex of this person's past behavior toward you and that you do not like this person and explain you are angry that your ex left your house keys with this person and if there are problems in the future, he will be paying to help solve them.

Don't even discuss how you "feel" or whether you are "over-reacting"; tell him you are merely responding to his irresponsible behavior, not reacting to anything.

[roads]

if your ex hasnt seen this guy for 2 yrs he doesnt even know him now!
i'd definitely have the locks reset & ask ex to pay cost, explain the man is really a stranger now & children + home are at risk, as well as yourself.
You have good gut reactions, Soup. listen to them now. i think you're being realistic.

I wouldnt bother trying to make ex feel guilty. wasted effort, most likely. "just the facts, Soup!" give him nothing to aim at.

& give one of your kids the key. at any age, s/he'd be more responsible.

[googley]

I would also change the locks. I would tell your ex that you expect him to pay for the cost seeing as he is the one who "lost" the keys. I would be worried that you heard about this from your kids and not your ex. Your ex is the one who should have told you what happened.

I would also think about giving your kids the keys. I had a key when I was in early elementary school. I wore it on yarn around my neck so it wouldn't get lost.

[SoupDragon]

My kids are 6 and 7, so I think maybe too young for a key - plus my youngest is always losing things.

They added complication is that my eldest son asked me to go with them to ex mother-in-laws after Xmas for a few days as he gets homesick without me there. I agreed thinking I could grin and bear it for a few days - it wasn't the kids fault we split and it is their Xmas too. So I know my ex is either going to get really defensive when I say something, or laugh in my face that I am being so stupid and then it is going to be more of a struggle to grin and bear it with him and his family.

I can hear myself coming up with lots and ifs and buts to not raising it with him and I know I am scared that he will "crush" me with his response at a time when I can't access my T.

He is very deceitful and I never quite know what he is up to - so it was no surprise to me that it was my kids who told me in a very innocent way and I did not make out to them that it was a big deal as I did not want to worry them or run their dad down in front of them. I so wish me and him weren't forever "joined together" by the fact that we share our fantastic kids. He has a habit of really squashing me into the ground, sometimes even with just a look.

Thanks for your reassurance though and I will have a think about my security and how I can safeguard it more in the future.

Soup

[ECHOES]

I think if you can't trust your ex, then he does not need to have a key either.
Some other arrangement needs to be made for everyone's safety and your peace of mind.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I think if you can't trust your ex, then he does not need to have a key either.
Some other arrangement needs to be made for everyone's safety and your peace of mind.

I know I would prefer that he didn't - I am just trying to protect the kids. We put on brave faces for them to make the split is as painless as possible for them - also I don't want them to feel that this is not their home and that they can't come here when I am not here - how can I explain to them that daddy can't have a key. I so hate this situation, but guess it is as it is and need to find a way of doing it differently.

Thanks Soup

I don't know if this would work for your family, but we had our backdoor bolt lock replaced with a keypunch lock (non-electrical, just a 3 digit punch button code, but also a secure deadbolt). It was maybe $20 more than a regular bolt lock.

Teach your kids the code (my 10 year old really likes to open the door) and then there's no awkwardness with the ex. Of course, the kids may pass along the code to him or he may learn it from watching them open the lock. He still could theoretically pass along the code to said shady guy, but there's really no reason to because the code doesn't need to be "left" with someone.

I also feel safer somehow with my kid being able to get into the house if the door is locked, he doesn't need a key.

And you can change the passcode on the door lock anytime you want.

Anne

[WePow]

I think it is important for you to stay aware of what is going on with that situation. I would not want someone like that having my key. I would get the locks changed too. Big hugs to you!!!!