I also feel apathetic about completing this message. Like, who really cares? Not because you all are unfeeling people, but because I think my issue is boring and repetitive with some others' here.

Something happened to me yesterday as a result of spending all day at the women's max security prison. I feel like I have to deliberately put on a coat of steel, or I can't make it past the intimidating correctional officers, including the one who gropes (pats) you down before you can enter. The loudness of the doors. The inmate I saw visiting with her infant (brought to her for visitation)-- not my client. One of the four clients I saw has been on suicide watch for 3 weeks, pretty much since we lost at a hearing on a constitutional issue. Her case is now up on appeal. She was so pale and thin, without her glasses she was having trouble focusing and walking properly, she sits alone in a cell with nothing but a smock on 24/7. I am glad I saw her, I feel confident that she's going to be okay, but I'm just sad for her because she felt it was her fault we lost. Another client told me a lot of disturbing things from her childhood; this is nothing knew for me in the work I do, I specialize in an area of law where everyone has been severely traumatized.

Then I came home and my family was out. I attempted to eat my way through the contents of my refrigerator and I made myself feel nauseous. I slept poorly and I had my T today. I had left last week with a very clear plan for this next session, and I am disappointed that I seem to have been struck mute when I wanted to say to T that I needed to pick up where we left off last week. Then he told me a couple of stories, good ones, but I'd heard them before. I was trying to give him my bored and unengaged attitude, but instead I acted politely. I willed the contents of my chaotic head to find their way to his consciousness, but you can probably guess how well that worked. I did talk about my work yesterday but it seemed like I was educating and entertaining him-- most people do seem to find my work with (really sweet) murderers fascinating. Then it was too late to get started with what I really wanted to do so I pretended to be interested in what he was saying and he kind of went on and on.

So right now the idea of getting my T mojo back seems pretty unlikely. I suppose this too shall pass, but I"m surprised with how stuck and hopeless I feel. And I'm even apathetic about that.

Anne

[Perna]

Oh, Anne, so sorry you are feeling this way; I hate the dead apathetica (new word, sort of reminds me of the name, Metallica, maybe we should start a group :-)

Usually when I have felt the way you describe, it has been a bit of a "rest" from harder feelings or too intense feelings or feelings I've had too long that haven't resolved, etc.? Eventually it does morph into more "natural" feelings but waiting or wishing it would hurry can get old.

One thing I like to do with my feelings when they aren't what I would "like" is tantalize them :-) I go to the grocery store and tell myself I am to find THE one item less than or equal to $10 (or any price) that I would like in the store, for myself. I use to live near a flea market/multi-table antiques center and use to play it with that too; go look at a zillion things and find the one that "called" to me in some way. Or, if I'm really depressed, I'll make myself decide what I really "want" at that moment and then go get it for myself (was at the zoo, alone and miserable/depressed, and played that and the answer was an ice cream cone only it was 30-40 years ago, on a Sunday in a city with no ice cream shops I could identify near enough so I ended up going to the grocery store and "making" my own -- took me several hours and by then the mood and my interests had shifted).

Other times I just grab an interest and start following it across the WWW for several hours? Sometimes I get a bit of my mojo back, a new idea or interest? Since mojo comes from Hoodoo, why not start with learning about Hoodoo (I was clueless)?

[unaluna]

Maybe next time you could call a friend on the phone?

[roads]

I know practically nothing about you except for what's in your post & that you write well. After reading of your day at the prison, the evening after, & the next day's T appt, I wasn't feeling so great myself ...

The snapshot picture of your life shows a life I can't imagine very many (read anyone) wanting. I don't know why you're in therapy--PTSD from your profile. It seems you have no support system: absent family, unprobing T. Or do you shut them out? I have a supply of walls & masks, all portable.

Sorry if I'm seeming slick or smart-assed. I just know there's a lot more here. With your job, you must have a double-strength support system just for that! If you bring into your job a past that's left you with PTSD, you need additional support for that.

I was so happy to see that you're aware of the good you do your clients. That's wonderful & so important. But what I didn't see was your taking as much care of you as you try to take of them.

I think a lot of us don't get as much as we could from therapy because until we can care for ourselves, it's difficult to let another care for us. It's a circular thing: chicken or egg?

Please, before going to your next T appt, think about how much you deserve having someone to help you carry the load. Just as you work for your clients, let your T do his thing for you.

You need it. You deserve it.

Roadrunner

[SoupDragon]

I worked in a prison for a while - had a caseload of murderers and sex offenders. Lasted 3 years and then it just would stick in my head too much, especially having to read the statement of young witnesses. So I got out.

At the time I enjoyed my work, yes even those muderers had nice qualities about them, I felt I was making a difference both to those I was working with and the general public. At times I even miss it and wish I were back there.

But for me I did my stint with that hard emotional work, now life has to be about me for a while, at least until I feel whole.

I am not entirely sure what I am saying and in posts of yours I have read, you show such great empathy and insight towards others - wonder what you would say to me if I had posted your thread above?

Hugs to you - Soup

[mcl6136]

I bet that resting will really really help and know that I so appreciate your presence here, and that's 'only' virtual!

Take care of yourself!!!

MCL

[CantExplain]

We talk a lot about Ts "burning out". I imagine lawyers burn out too.

FANTASY:
You'd like to withdraw to something less stressful (disputed wills, patent infringements), but that would mean abandoning your clients and no one else will care about them the way you do.

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. You have great suggestions for working on my mojo and I appreciate the nice things you said to me. You have buoyed me with your caring and support.

I have been doing this work for 20 years and I don't think I'm getting burned out. Burning out is when you start to feel ineffective and you can't feel empathy for your clients, and that's not me. I feel very much "called" to do this work and I would never want to switch to another area of law. I know that I'm good at it, even though I lose a lot It's not a good time to be a criminal defendant, from a caselaw perspective.

But sometimes it does get to me. I think on any other day I would have walked out of the prison, thought about my clients on the way home, then released their sadness from my heart and carried on. This is NOT usually how I feel. Usually I feel satisfied with my work and that I am moving forward with their cases in the way that is right for the time.

I have a very good support system. (RR, please don't worry about me). My H is very supportive about my work and always has been, my 10 year old is learning how to understand my client's stories and often shows incredible insight about people, I have many good friends in my community and outside. I recently had a medical scare and then thanksgiving with old friends that made me feel so incredible loved and cared for.

I don't often reach out to the people in my life, though. It was really wonderful that a friend called just minutes after I posted, and that made me feel good. But I often feel that my first role is to support or listen to others and put myself on the backburner-- maybe even in T day. I think I still have some leftover issues from childhood about reaching out for help and I need to do better about that. At least I posted here, despite the chaotic screaming in my head not to . . . .

Many thanks again, people. Anne

[stopdog]

I am glad you are feeling better. I, (i did post conviction and death penalty habeas work) understand about the prisons, clients (and their very sad stories) and courts. Some days it just gets you down. The good part is you know you are doing the best job you can and that you do make a difference.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Anne )))

I am glad you're feeling a little better. I recently had the experience of not addressing what I knew I needed to during my T session..and it felt like SUCH a disappointment. And that disappointment lingered and really had an impact on what I was feeling.

Your awareness of being supportive first to others and putting yourself on the backburner is really important. Let that guide you to the next step....

When I feel as if I'm burning out, and have not energy or want to do anything, its normally that I'm mourning, as I unearth more of what my earlier life was like. I fear in those times that I will become "stuck in it" but as T gently points out, I'm not stuck, I'm just feeling the painful feelings instead of the many yrs I spent in repetitive behaviours and denial. Once this is brought to my attention, I realise thats exactly what I'm feeilng accept to me compared to the repetive behaviours and rituals it feels like a living death, but awareness of whats actually going on, though painful, is the key to freedom for me.

[granite1]

i bet you will have another chance to work on what it was you wanted to work on next session.dont gve up.

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I'm just feeling the painful feelings instead of the many yrs I spent in repetitive behaviours and denial. Once this is brought to my attention, I realise thats exactly what I'm feeilng accept to me compared to the repetive behaviours and rituals it feels like a living death, but awareness of whats actually going on, though painful, is the key to freedom for me.

This rings true for me. I think that one of the reasons why I chose this line of work, and why I keep doing it, is because listening to my clients' stories often trips something in me that allows me to access something-- emotion, old thought patterns, occasionally experience-- from my own life. It can be like a springboard for working on my own issues. And I think if I can see this wooden and apathetic space I'm in as some kind of helpful information or message, that would be good. I'm just not there yet.

Thank you, Anne

Originally Posted by granite1

i bet you will have another chance to work on what it was you wanted to work on next session.dont gve up.

That is very true. I just *feel* like giving up, but I won't. Thanks for the encouragement.

Anne