[gashly]

Is it normal to find supportive relationships outside of therapy? I don't ever seem to. The only times I get support are when I pay for it. While I was in group it seemed the only people I felt reasonably close to were in my group therapy, which is an odd environment, because you can only meet in group, and not outside. The reason behind it makes sense, but I need a supportive environment outside therapy. I don't think the group thing really helped my relationships. I don't think talk or process therapy does **** all, really, as I'm still stuck years later.

People often talk of supportive friendships and family members and I always wonder how this happens.

[Joanna_says]

For me it has always felt like that really good friendships take quite some time to develop.
I know my best friend since we are 3. So we know all from each other. But... although she listens it is sometimes hard for her to understand. I don't think that I would have understood before experiencing all of this myself.
The only other friendship I have started to develop that does understand this kind of thing is somebody from group who has left the group. Therefore we were allowed to make contact. The difficult part here is though that we talk a lot about therapy and our health issues and that can be very heavy sometimes. I guess we still need to learn to also connect on the "normal" level.

May I ask if you are only lacking the support in your friendships or are you missing friendship altogether?

[missbelle]

I think it can be really tough to find supportive relationships especially if you have moved around. Like Joanna says, it takes time for relationships to develop. I find that the older I get(I have also moved around)the more difficult it is to find someone you can really talk too. Most people have their own agendas,and just have not the strength to handle someones else's problems. Things now are very difficult for some people and they are having a hard time just managing their finances so its understandable that they cannot or will not get involved.

Thank God though there are therapists out there for us. The are also much more objective then friends or family would be anyway. This way we can share things we might also not want family or friends to know anyway.

Life is indeed tough and so are friendships and any relationships. We are blessed though that we have this website here. We can share 24/7 and find friends here, give advice, and get advice..so life is a little less tougher....

Take care gashly.......

I'm in pretty much the same boat as you, Gashly. I have some 'friends', and one in particular who has stuck by me, but we're not really all that close. I have no friends left from childhood, school, or even uni -- how/where I think most close friendships are formed. I don't have much family left, and I don't feel all that connected to them either (even my parents.) I've only been seeing my T a few months, but she understands me more than anyone has my entire life - I suppose that's her job, right? (Though I've seen counsellors before and not felt a connection at all, so I do believe that we just happen to 'click')

The thing with a T is that you're paying them to listen to all your troubles and be understanding and supportive -- I'd feel bad about dumping all of my issues on my friends, even if I felt comfortable enough to. Sure, some of them know how things are to a certain extent, but whether by my choice or theirs, all of my friendships seem to be on a fairly superficial level. I have a lot of 'aquaintances' rather than 'friends' - it's always been that way for me.

It's hard to judge/compare other relationships to that with a T, because it's a unique situation, but I'm hoping that I do find other supportive relationships in my life... Hopefully before I get old and aquire several dozen cats

Although a limited situation, I have found support here from the community on PC -- I feel I can communicate with people on here about things I can't with people IRL because I know they wouldn't relate to it.

I hope some fabulous individuals enter your life and stick around!

[Gus1234U]

i have to say, i know what is being said here, the worst thing was not being my own friend,, not being nice to me, not comforting me, not going out by myself,, i don't cling to people so much anymore, they are freer to be my friend, without having to be my support. PC and other Online sites have been very helpful in filling that lonely well of neediness... i wish you all the best,, Gus

[StrawberryFieldsss]

I think the best way to develop these is to have many friends, which means you need to get out and meet a lot of people. Everyone has a limited ability to offer support... everyone has their own problems. I noticed that there are some people (not suggesting you, op, but some people do this) that make *one* friend and then try to rely on that one person for everything. Different people can better offer support in different ways.

Think about this: even online or email connections "matter" and can be a source of support... look around here!!

While I would agree that its ideal to form face-to-face relationships with people, trying to connect with others in any way possible so you have a lot of avenues for support (and can in turn support them when they need it!) will probably make a positive difference.

It is very rare for me to have the kind of support that I think you mean here, which is the kind where you can tell your friend about being in therapy and perhaps some of the reasons for being in therapy and what challenges you are currently facing.

There are friends I can go to if I need support in my life, such as parenting concerns or issues with my job, or people for companionship for movies, at parties, etc. I would also include my mother in law and my own mother as part of this group, except they live out of town. There are some other family relationships, more among my in-laws, that I consider supportive and friendly but they are more distant (emotionally).

But then there are friends who I can talk to about anything, and I am super lucky to have those in my life now. I have one friend that I've been close to for about 10 years, although we had a 2 year break, and then another that I've been close to for a few years, and then a third who is a very recent "find" and who I have shared a great deal with in the past month or so.

I also consider my H a support, but I am closer to my girlfriends, especially since he is also a source of conflict at times.

I also have a community group, where I go and knit on many Saturdays, that has many people that are supportive and kind and nurturing towards me.

Are you wondering about how you could go about finding supportive relationships? If you have hobbies, are there organizations you could join or meetings you could attend to meet people? Often something in common is a way to develop friendships. I know that in my knitting group, asking people about what they are knitting is a way into a conversation, and conversations build into friendships.

Anne

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by gashly

Is it normal to find supportive relationships outside of therapy?

Most people have SOMEONE who loves them, although troubled patients may not be able to see that. But even those who love me don't necessarily understand.

I have a friend who is not very emotionally literate. You might not think he was very supportive. But he came round to fix my email when I needed him, and that's love.

[elliemay]

One thing that I have learned is that good friendships are based on shared mutual interests first. No I don't have to like or do every activity my best friend engages in, but we certainly do have things that we genuinely enjoy doing together.

We also just like each other and enjoy the company.

Support is a part of it, but not the entire thing. Fun and love are first. Support get rolled into those two things.

I've also found the best way to make friends is to fully engage in something that *you* really enjoy doing. Extend yourself into that activity - whatever it is. Go to meetings, conventions etc...

You are already surrounded by people with a common interest and you immediately have something to talk about.

Also, be sure that you are mutually supportive when that time comes. Be kind to others, after all, we *all* are walking a hard path.

[pachyderm]

missbelle, I like your sand castle builder!

[Perna]

My husband is my best friend and supporter. He didn't understand my need for therapy and didn't like spending that money but he was 100% behind me and what I thought I needed for myself. He was my best support in therapy outside my T, just by being who he is and responding to me the way he does.

I made my work supportive. I shared myself with them and they knew I went to therapy (kind of hard to hide leaving at 1:30 or so every "Wednesday" and not returning? :-) and took their jokes and observations and used them to help me. It was interesting, their comments on Thursday morning. They'd tease me and say whether or not I'd had a "good" or "bad" session Wednesday afternoon and that was great because I could take what they said and look back and get a better idea of how I was in-the-world and how others perceived me, etc.

Practical problems (like my stepmother getting senile) I could share with some of my coworkers who were close to me in age and had similar problems. I watched and listened to how one coworker talked to her mother on the phone and copied her patient, kind, listening techniques. Other people can be examples for us, we can learn from them, which I found very supportive; it just takes a little more time and effort to pay attention to them as we do to our T because of "life" going on around us and not having the same focused space we do in therapy. But that's what I wanted from therapy, being able to hear myself think despite inside/outside stuff going on; it took practicing in a therapist's office where it's "quiet" and focused on me, first, but then I got good at real life too, LOL.

[gashly]

I dunno. I feel like I'm a good listener and supportive, but it seems that people want me to listen to them and make them feel good, and change the subject or get bored or overwhelmed when it comes to me. I end up feeling burned out or used and distance myself. Not sure what I'm doing wrong.

I haven't had any friends since I've moved here, been here six years. I can't seem to get beyond the acquaintance level. Part of it may be that I don't know how to go from meeting people and hanging out in a group situation to going for coffee/happy hour or something. People seem to want to avoid me. I feel like I'm that weird kid in school that everyone reassures is ok, but has some really annoying attribute that they want to avoid and he's completely unaware that he's doing.

I am well aware that if you don't resolve your **** in childhood, that you're ****ed as an adult. There was one guy I met who had some really bad social skills that rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. He ended up being ostracized from the group. I remember talking to someone about it, basically we both saw that the guy needed a lot of help, but at this point in our lives realized that we didn't have the energy or time to do it. If we were in our 20s or college, it probably would have happened, I think. And I had no idea who or where to send him to get help. So the guy is off somewhere struggling on, no doubt, if this is the reaction he keeps getting.

I often tend to be sympathetic towards people who are struggling in some way, always have, as I've often felt like an outcast, but the problem is, I just get drained by them. I can't seem to make friends with people who are "normal", maybe for the same reason.

I often feel like I'm drowning, overwhelmed by my emotions, I've had one supportive voice from a friend on facebook, that got me through some things, but I feel like I have this big empty hole.

My aunt described it once as I'm the one standing out in the cold watching the warm happy family in the beautiful house. There's something that just separates me from the warmth and connection that I long for. I don't know what it is.

It's hard to watch others talk of the supportive relationships that they have, or their interactions with friends and family and feel the full force of what I'm missing, because there's something just wrong with me. Being on facebook is hard for that reason, because I see the fullness of others lives, I often disappear for periods of time.

I've been frustrated, this year in particular has been rough, because I would really rather be dead than continue this existence. But I've managed to trap myself, because I am either too afraid, or I have a sliver of hope. But 20+ years with of a sliver of hope is ridiculous, it's not worth the pain. I would like to actually fix this problem.

[BlessedRhiannon]

People often talk of supportive friendships and family members and I always wonder how this happens.

It took me a long time to figure this out myself. I've always had friends, but like you described, the friendships always seemed to be about them. I don't think any of my friends really knew *me*. It always felt like there was this barrier that kept me from taking a friendship to a deeper level and letting others know the real me.

What I finally figured out is that I had to trust myself and be comfortable with myself and be authentic in my own thoughts before I could extend that to others. Once I started to trust myself just a tiny bit and started making an effort to really be myself rather than what I thought others wanted me to be, I was able to start extending that to my friendships. I am a very private person, and will probably never have a huge network of close friends. However, I do have two very close friends that are very supportive and that I trust enough to share the real me with. It was hard to extend that trust, and hard to allow myself to be authentic rather than just catering to their needs. I took a chance, though, and it worked out for the best. As one of my friends said recently..."you know you've reached best friend status when an invitation to Thanksgiving comes in the middle of a rant!" I was ranting to her about a conversation I'd had with family, and said "oh, speaking of Thanksgiving, wanna come over, " and then continued with my rant.

As far as family, sigh....I know my family supports me, because they are family, but they don't *know* me AT ALL! So, I always feel like their support is conditional on the fact that I continue to project the person they expect me to be rather than who I am. It's one of the things I'm working on in therapy, because I'd like to have a better relationship with my family, but there's so much history there that it's hard to change the relationship. Maybe once I have more experience in being authentic with my friends, I'll be able to take the risk with my family.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by gashly

I dunno. I feel like I'm a good listener and supportive, but it seems that people want me to listen to them and make them feel good, and change the subject or get bored or overwhelmed when it comes to me. I end up feeling burned out or used and distance myself. Not sure what I'm doing wrong.

I haven't had any friends since I've moved here, been here six years. I can't seem to get beyond the acquaintance level. Part of it may be that I don't know how to go from meeting people and hanging out in a group situation to going for coffee/happy hour or something. People seem to want to avoid me. I feel like I'm that weird kid in school that everyone reassures is ok, but has some really annoying attribute that they want to avoid and he's completely unaware that he's doing.

This sounds really painful. To have no friends at all is too much! I can't understand how this can happen to a good listener.

I had trouble making friends at my second university, but then I met my future wife. Problem solved!

But on second thoughts, I had no friends in my new town because I was afraid of losing the really good friends I had in my old town. I just wasn't prepared to start again from scratch.

"Back home, eveybody loves me. What's wrong with you people?"

Originally Posted by gashly

I feel like I'm that weird kid in school that everyone reassures is ok, but has some really annoying attribute that they want to avoid and he's completely unaware that he's doing.

...

My aunt described it once as I'm the one standing out in the cold watching the warm happy family in the beautiful house. There's something that just separates me from the warmth and connection that I long for. I don't know what it is.

It's hard to watch others talk of the supportive relationships that they have, or their interactions with friends and family and feel the full force of what I'm missing, because there's something just wrong with me. Being on facebook is hard for that reason, because I see the fullness of others lives, I often disappear for periods of time.

I've been frustrated, this year in particular has been rough, because I would really rather be dead than continue this existence.But I've managed to trap myself, because I am either too afraid, or I have a sliver of hope. But 20+ years with of a sliver of hope is ridiculous, it's not worth the pain. I would like to actually fix this problem.

I could have written this myself. I feel like I'm that 'weird kid', somehow getting it wrong. Somehow separated from the warmth and connection I long for. Somehow disconnected. Somehow missing out. Existing.

I hate when people call me pessimistic - I'm more optimistic than they give me credit for, grimly hanging on to my own little sliver of hope.

I don't know what the answer is. Just wanted to say I hear you. (And that I hate Facebook right now! Along with every promotion, engagement, baby announcement or drunken night out that is posted!!)

[lastyearisblank]

Don't go on facebook!!!!!!!!!!!! They did a study about this!!!!! Most people, in fact almost everybody, feels slightly worse about themselves after logging on, because people all post the best things about their lives and then (for some reason!) neglect to put up anything that might be construed as depressing. Facebook is not an accurate picture of how your life is supposed to be going.

[PreacherHeckler]

I don't have that reaction on facebook. I wonder if it's because I only have around 25 facebook friends and most of them are also people I know quite well in real life, so I already know they don't have perfect lives even if some of them only post about great things going on.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by gashly

I dunno. I feel like I'm a good listener and supportive, but it seems that people want me to listen to them and make them feel good, and change the subject or get bored or overwhelmed when it comes to me. I end up feeling burned out or used and distance myself. Not sure what I'm doing wrong.

I haven't had any friends since I've moved here, been here six years. I can't seem to get beyond the acquaintance level. Part of it may be that I don't know how to go from meeting people and hanging out in a group situation to going for coffee/happy hour or something. People seem to want to avoid me. I feel like I'm that weird kid in school that everyone reassures is ok, but has some really annoying attribute that they want to avoid and he's completely unaware that he's doing.

I am well aware that if you don't resolve your **** in childhood, that you're ****ed as an adult. There was one guy I met who had some really bad social skills that rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. He ended up being ostracized from the group. I remember talking to someone about it, basically we both saw that the guy needed a lot of help, but at this point in our lives realized that we didn't have the energy or time to do it. If we were in our 20s or college, it probably would have happened, I think. And I had no idea who or where to send him to get help. So the guy is off somewhere struggling on, no doubt, if this is the reaction he keeps getting.

I often tend to be sympathetic towards people who are struggling in some way, always have, as I've often felt like an outcast, but the problem is, I just get drained by them. I can't seem to make friends with people who are "normal", maybe for the same reason.

I often feel like I'm drowning, overwhelmed by my emotions, I've had one supportive voice from a friend on facebook, that got me through some things, but I feel like I have this big empty hole.

My aunt described it once as I'm the one standing out in the cold watching the warm happy family in the beautiful house. There's something that just separates me from the warmth and connection that I long for. I don't know what it is.

It's hard to watch others talk of the supportive relationships that they have, or their interactions with friends and family and feel the full force of what I'm missing, because there's something just wrong with me. Being on facebook is hard for that reason, because I see the fullness of others lives, I often disappear for periods of time.

I've been frustrated, this year in particular has been rough, because I would really rather be dead than continue this existence. But I've managed to trap myself, because I am either too afraid, or I have a sliver of hope. But 20+ years with of a sliver of hope is ridiculous, it's not worth the pain. I would like to actually fix this problem.

I also could have written this about 10 years ago. I guess you could say that I was rather lonely. It's hard to say exactly what happened (but I'm sure that therapy had something to do with it), but I just simply started doing things that I enjoyed doing. Everyone else could, well, just kinda go to heck, I was going to do what I liked.

Then things just started to click I guess. Of course, I landed in a place that was full of animal people. I've learned that people who prefer animals over people are actually really really good, kind people. All of them have some reason for their preference. We understand each other on a basic level.

We don't have to really talk about our problems, we just sort of know AND accept. There is a connection, albeit slow to develop, but it's there. It's peaceful and fun. We have a strong common interest.

Also, I've definitely found yoga and zen buddhists to be an outstanding group of folks. Talk about absorbing really really big emotions. I've found them to be sponges that way. Full of love. It inspires it in me too.

I guess what I wanted to say in all this rambling is that you have to make a decision to live your life and do the things that you want. You likely will meet people doing the exact same thing.

Oh yeah, you have to open and receptive to the connection with others which is, in and of itself a painful, but necessary experience, but worth it.

Don't you like how I put the hardest part there at the end?

Originally Posted by gashly

My aunt described it once as I'm the one standing out in the cold watching the warm happy family in the beautiful house. There's something that just separates me from the warmth and connection that I long for. I don't know what it is.

Ouch. Ouchy ouchy ouchy ouch. Maybe that is more how your auntie sees you than how you really are. I would kindly suggest that maybe seeing yourself in this way, in a self fulfilling prophesy action, helps to separate you from others.

I wonder if something where you could do things in with other people and be connected in the context of doing would be helpful for you. I did read where you said that it's hard to go from a group activity to coffee with just one person (have you asked?). But maybe finding the right group activity that would allow you to be your authentic self would be just the ticket.

Ever thought about taking up knitting? Almost every town has a local knit shop (not to be confused with Michael's, Evil WallyWorld, or the like). There's also an awesome site, ravelry.com, social networking for the crafty fiber people. You could use ravelry to find out what people think about your local knit shop, and to see where people meet to knit (usually at the shop, but some places have meetups at coffee shops or bookstores).

Every saturday people congregate at the local knitshop around a big table (or two, depending on the size of the group). We knit, we talk, we usually laugh our heads off. And we make stuff! It's not expensive to knit (although I have a taste for high end yarn), it gets me outta my head. Anyway, just a suggestion.

Anne