[SoupDragon]

So 4 days on from seeing T last and my brain has been working overtime processing that session.

I know I perceived T as different that day and initially was really confused about this - Had I done something to upset him? Why was he being mean? Did I share something in the last e-mail that I shouldn't have? etc. etc.

I know I felt a range of things, vulnerable, alone, trapped, terrified etc. etc. etc.

But today I am left with the question of whether it really matters if he was different or not. This is not about him, it is about me. So I am asking myself 2 things:

1. How was it for me to sit in a room with someone who seemed different / unfamiliar?
2. How could I have been different in response?

I hope how I feel today lasts until Tuesday. My head has stopped spinning and it is much clearer. I know I am in no physical danger from T and as long as I can manage my feelings / behaviours in response to his prods and pokes, then I can just about get myself to a place where I think it is positive and beneficial for T to be a different person every week if he wants - for this is how I am going to learn about myself....isn't it?

[Perna]

Good insight! Sometimes it helps to just think about different things in different ways It's like doing a Rubik's Cube?

[ECHOES]

Those moments when we experience the separateness of others can be both shocking and upsetting and ultimately freeing.

[BonnieJean]

Soup - that feels so brave an approach to me.

[roads]

Wow. I think I just got a little insight from your pretty major one. Thank you.

[elliemay]

I definitely think you are onto something.

My therapy absolutely progressed in stages. The me stage (pain), the therapist sucks stage (pain), the incorporation stage (confusion!) and the, you guessed it, right back to the me stage.

This latter on is punctuated by insight, an ability to look at my own perceptions and evaluate for myself.

It's also amazingly empowering. My real work in therapy *finally* started when I could step out and ask myself the very questions that you just asked.

I'm excited for you! It's not easy, but things vault forward from here (IMO).

You go girl.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks for your posts -I am still feeling pretty positive that this is a major shift for me - I can't quite get my head around how it happened, was it T being clever and stabbing at the right spot at the right time, is this just something I would have worked out for myself at sometime in the future without this difficult session? There are aiso questions about how one can have a relationship with anyone if the focus is always on oneself - isn't this being a little selfish?

But I am telling myself to slow down, it doesn't matter about all the add on questions that are getting fired off - the significant thing is that I feel clearer headed and more positive that this can be a real turning point after 20 months of passivity.

[yang0868]

I'm glad to hear that you're doing better soup and being more positive. Be proud. I wouldn't say you're being selfish in this case. You're just being intuned with yourself, which is great!!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I definitely think you are onto something.

My therapy absolutely progressed in stages. The me stage (pain), the therapist sucks stage (pain), the incorporation stage (confusion!) and the, you guessed it, right back to the me stage.

This latter on is punctuated by insight, an ability to look at my own perceptions and evaluate for myself.

It's also amazingly empowering. My real work in therapy *finally* started when I could step out and ask myself the very questions that you just asked.

I'm excited for you! It's not easy, but things vault forward from here (IMO).

You go girl.

Wow this is so interesting - I definitely initially had a "me" stage and more recently it has been the T stage, although up until now not the T sucks stage - (will see if he feels like redeeming himself on Tuesday ) - For the first time I am really excited about my next session - there is no way I would ever have thought that possible for me - I so hope this means that I can start to do the real work now - although in some ways it is more comfortable being stuck - that is the familiar way of being - but I am wanting something different for me in my life.

I am being careful about being overconfident just now and I do have some doubts about Tuesday, including being rejected by T - but even if that does happen it will be something more to learn about myself from and I have a plan B therapist lined up who is a different gender and also has a different theoretical approach.

Will update after Tuesday and hope I don't crawl back with my tail between my legs.

[learning1]

I can identify with feeling pretty unsure what is real, Soup- not knowing if the major insight I feel will be recognized by t, or if he'll shoot me down. For me, it's helpful to know I've shared an insight online, or even just written it in my journal, because that makes it real and memorable even if t doesn't get it. Good luck with your appointment!

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Thanks for your posts -I am still feeling pretty positive that this is a major shift for me - I can't quite get my head around how it happened, was it T being clever and stabbing at the right spot at the right time, is this just something I would have worked out for myself at sometime in the future without this difficult session? There are aiso questions about how one can have a relationship with anyone if the focus is always on oneself - isn't this being a little selfish?

But I am telling myself to slow down, it doesn't matter about all the add on questions that are getting fired off - the significant thing is that I feel clearer headed and more positive that this can be a real turning point after 20 months of passivity.

If I may again draw from my own therapy. Ultimately even the relationship itself gets transcended. It, after all, is a powerful vehicle for change, but only up until the point that vehicle gets transferred to you.

The focus *is* and always has been *you*. The relationship mirrors that.

When therapy works *you* become the mirror and can see yourself clearly.

FWIW the love, trust and intimacy between you and the therapist (at least in my instance) never goes away, but it is no longer the metric of progress.

It turns into a peaceful, solid thing.

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

There are also questions about how one can have a relationship with anyone if the focus is always on oneself - isn't this being a little selfish?

Bingo. I think this is a key point - or at least it is for me. One of my goals for therapy is to understand myself well enough, and be at peace with myself enough to focus my attention on others and the world around me.

Soup - It sounds like you're having some major insights, and it's exciting, isn't it? Hope you can hang onto this until Tuesday! I know you can - it can't be undone. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Sannah]

I like the way you are thinking!!