If you're happy and you DON'T know it...?

My T suggested that perhaps I'm happy and I don't know it...

Is this even possible? Has anyone's T ever said something similar? I see her again Mon, so I will be asking her for more info on this, but it seems unlikely that I'd feel depressed and truly be happy.

She also suggested that I've just not made a commitment to being happy. I don't know what that means either. I thought my learning to live without self destructive coping skills like drinking was a commitment to happiness, or something. But apparently not.

Any insight? I've been thinking about these issues for a while now since this week's appt. was cancelled due to the holiday, and I've made no real headway. Thanks!

Something like feeling depressed, but being happy without knowing... doesn't make sense at all for me. If you are depressed you are depressed, period.

Could the message be more like, "you already have everything you need in your life to be happy, you just need to realize it"? Or similar?

I'm just speculating, of course. Be sure to remember to talk with her about this on your next session .

I would say, yes it's possible to be happy and not know it ... or perhaps to be in some kind of state of contentness but because it is so rare or unusual you might not realise that the state you are in is "there". If we don't know what something looks like how do we know that we've arrived there? At the same time, just because it's possible doesn't mean it is true for you and if you are feeling depressed that doesn't seem to be the case here I hope your T can clarify this better and also explain the comments about commitment; it sounds to me like all you are doing including seeing a T is part of just such a commitment

my thinking is... if I don't always realize when I'm angry, it's entirely possible for someone to be happy and not know it.

Could it be she means, "you're not trying hard enough?" I'm not sure. That can be hard to hear. Your "apparently not" comment made me think that you may feel invalidated by what she said and that your hard work has not been acknowledged or respected. I am glad you are going to discuss this with her so you can get it sorted out so that it won't cause friction between you. I hope she can give concrete examples of what making a commitment to happiness looks like. I think what she said is kind of abstract and I know it would help me understand if I heard some examples.

While I may not agree with her statement that you have not made the commitment to happiness, I do think that happiness does involve some measure of "realization" or at least an openess to the really good things in your life.

The horrible thing about depression is that it can block, or at least severely impair that openess. It's almost as though you can look at things and think "I am very happy/grateful/honored about that" but it doesn't sink in.

I wonder if that's what she means that you haven't made a commitment. It does require some effort to break through that barrier.

I know for sure that my therapist spent a lot of time in what I called his "pollyanna" phase. During this time he would constantly point out a whole lot of stuff that was good in my life. I would immediately counter with "but...". I just couldn't break through.

I did begin to finish every day with a list of things that I was very grateful for, or something that gave me a tinge of glad.

It did help. It also made me stop and think about being happy right then maybe not 10 minutes from then, but right then.

It helped.

I think that statement is a really really unhelpful statement. And she contradicts herself - on one hand saying 'you're happy' and then on the other hand saying 'you've not made a commitment to being happy' which automatically implies that you're not happy.

Maybe the problem is in defining the term. What does she mean by using the word happy? All of us have passing moods. They come and go. Can we snag one moment and define our lives by that? Is happiness only that feeling where we feel exhilarated or can can happiness mean just a sense of well being that is the prominent feeling.

But if you're hurting and you've sunk into a depression that doesn't pass, how can your T have the gall to say you're happy but don't know it. That kinda pisses me off. It doesn't validate what you're going through and the suffering you're experiencing now.

"So, T, why don't you dump another concern on my head? It's not like I'm not feeling terrible already, now I have to wonder if it's true that I feel terrible" (sarcasm here)

On commitment to happiness:

Her phrasing was kind of harsh, but it makes me think of a situation with a friend of mine. I had started on antidepressants well before she did, and was amazed at how much they could really keep me steady. They allowed me to often just feel happy or at least ok without the cloud of depression hanging over me -- I would get upset when there was something to get upset about, but otherwise could actually feel happy, and that was really new for me. So when she decided to start, I checked in with her to see if they were helping her in any similar way, and she said, "Yeah, they do that for me too, so now I just look for reasons to be upset."

There are gentle, understanding ways to approach what she said, but what I wanted to say was, "Are you kidding me??" (I actually said nothing because I just wasn't sure what to say to her). But because she's my friend, I really REALLY want her to be happy, and it just felt like she wasn't committed to being happy.

Now I don't know if this applies to you at all, so I can't say whether what your T said is actually accurate, but I am saying I understand the sentiment that might be behind someone saying that. It wasn't that my friend wasn't trying to take a stab at handling her depression -- she did take that leap and decide to try meds -- but her goal wasn't quite at being happy yet. I only have what you said to go on, but while it's truly commendable and awesome that you're finding better coping skills for UNhappiness... that's not quite the same as finding ways to BE happy. Just my two cents. Oh, and two more cents: if I were a T, I really probably wouldn't say it in such an unhelpful way. This must be really frustrating for you.

Happy without knowing it:

I don't really know what this means, but if the statement were revised to "You *could* be happy and you don't know it," that might make more sense to me.

Edited to add: It took me a long time to finally try antidepressants, and part of that was a real fear of being happy. I had no idea what a happy Sally would look like and it freaked me out to think of possibly losing who I was.

Happy isn't really something I particularly concentrate on "being". I'm much more content aiming to live my life authentically, sometimes that means I will feel, grief, anger, fear etc and happy of course, but those are passing emotions, not a way of being continually. When you are present in your own self you will be "free", that is a great feeling.

Yes!

Once I noticed I was singing. Huh? What am I singing for? Turned out I was happy! I certainly wasn't expecting that!

You posted this a while ago, so I don't know if you'll see my question. But I wondered if you think about whether you lost who you were now ever? It sounds like you don't feel you lost anything? thanks