[vanessaG]

As some of you may know, i had a VERY very hard past 5 days. Pretty much debilitating depression and endless si ideation thoughts.

Thankfully my mood is lifting again, but i do have my tdoc appt tue and i do want to tell him about my constant si ideation thoughts, BUT i feel like im getting attached to him after questioning if hes the rigjt 1 for a couple weeks and im scared hes going to refer me to a colleague or somewhere cause this is too much for him.

Im kinda contemplating on telling him cuz if he lets me go, i dont wanna see anyone else.....that'd be it for me. I imagine he's heard it b4 since his speciality is depression and eating disord/consult for lap band and he is a psychologist phd but idk.

Im scared hes gonna be like this is too much you gotta go..

I also wanna ask him for 2x wk visits through this rough patchbut i feel like im being to needy and this is too much for him.

[Wysteria]

Dear Vanessa,

I don't think in any way that your T is going to send you packing because of your sui thoughts. I think it is vitally important that you talk to him and make sure that ya'll come up with a plan for when these thoughts get out of hand like they have been over last 2 weeks. Also a list of specific activities that might help you to redirect your thoughts and distract would be great. I know ya'll talked about exercise, but there are so many other things that might help as well, and I think the advice you got about taking it in baby-steps was great. To be honest though, I'm not sure reading a bunch of books about depression and SUI thoughts and behaviours was probably top of the list of things I would have done. I'm so glad you also have friends and family close by that are ready and willing to help out and want to be there for you. I personally believe the best way out is through love and connections to others. I too struggle mightly with depression and these thoughts and my heart is with you.

I'm so glad that you were reaching out to people for support and trying to make connections here as well. You did great and were so open to people's suggestions. But your T definitely needs to be in the loop and ready to help out as well. I think asking him for twice weekly visits is very appropriate until you get back on your feet. I would hope he would be open to that as well and have the availability. I understand you will be seeing your pdoc as well. I hope that he will also have some other suggestions for you. I'm on the EMSAM as well, and I know it is a little harder since almost nothing goes with it. But there are definitely things that he can do.

My advice is ALWAYS to be very frank and honest with your T and pdoc and even take in mood journals, journals, poems, or anything else to perfectly express yourself to your support team. They can't really help you properly if you aren't honest and clear with them. They have definitely heard it all before and will help you get through this.

Warm hugs and lots of support through the next few days as you meet with them...stay in touch and let us know how you do...

Wysteria Blue

[mcl6136]

I really really understand NOT wanting to ask for additional appointments. I often find myself thinking that asking for additional appointments is a sign of neediness, weakness and that sucking it up, soldiering on, will be the better path, but what I have FOUND is that it's not. In fact, sucking it up has not worked for me. If that was going to work, it would have worked already!

Asking for what I need has been a very very big part of the healing process for me. Like a huge part of it -- perhaps even as big a part of the healing as the rest of the healing.

I tend to turn inward and the problem with that strategy is that it leads to more of the same. The same self recriminations, the same self sacrifice, the same self mutilation. The same pathway, which for me, has not led in particularly pretty directions. So, I need to reach out. Which is what this forum has been for me, at least.

Two times a week, from my perspective, seems like a good idea. Only you know, of course.

[vanessaG]

Thanks guys sooooo much. Your replies have helped me tremedously! I am going to be very frank and honest tomm with my tdoc. Yes, im starting to get attached, which is scaring me but he needs to know whats goin on and how bad ive been feeling lately.

I saw pdoc today and he said your depression is going so low that if it keeps on we may have to do shock treatment. When i tell my tdoc this, idk what his reaction is going to be since i think he believes my depression episodes are far from severe.

Im also going to ask if he thinks its a good idea for me to come in 2x a week. Hopefully he agrees and we see things eye to eye. (fingers crossed)

Thank you guys for all your supportive posts. It really means so much to me! Im always on my iphone checking the replies! Lol its kind of addicting!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by vanessaG

Thanks guys sooooo much. Your replies have helped me tremedously! I am going to be very frank and honest tomm with my tdoc. Yes, im starting to get attached, which is scaring me but he needs to know whats goin on and how bad ive been feeling lately.

I saw pdoc today and he said your depression is going so low that if it keeps on we may have to do shock treatment. When i tell my tdoc this, idk what his reaction is going to be since i think he believes my depression episodes are far from severe.

Im also going to ask if he thinks its a good idea for me to come in 2x a week. Hopefully he agrees and we see things eye to eye. (fingers crossed)

Thank you guys for all your supportive posts. It really means so much to me! Im always on my iphone checking the replies! Lol its kind of addicting!

I think he will see eye to eye with you. (!) I am glad to be of help and support as I have gotten the same here more than once...blessings to you!

[skycastle]

Good luck, vanessaG--I hope that you are able to talk to your therapist! You are very brave! I was honest with my therapist about these kinds of things once and she still works with me... I wonder if it just comes with the territory of being a therapist

[vanessaG]

Thanks guys! I will let you know how it goes after tomm appt! )