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#1
Nov 01, 2011, 10:07 PM
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I've had some good interactions with my T over the weekend, and I was feeling pretty good about things in general, but as today as gone by I've felt myself getting more and more wound up inside thinking about tomorrow's session.
It feels like we have so much to talk about, there's no way we can cover it all in 50 mins, but trying to prioritize what to talk about is overwhelming. Also, I left her office last week so upset, I couldn't see straight. I sobbed for an hour on the way home. I gave her my dbt binder as I was leaving and told her I was never coming back. It was really, really awful, and now that I'm starting to feel better it's time to go see her again. I am so afraid that it won't go well and I'll get all ripped up again and how long can I keep putting myself through this?? So, yeah. A lot of anxiety. I'm drinking just to control it right now. I don't know if I should go there unmedicated tomorrow or if I should take anxiety meds or if I should take other meds, it's very confusing. I texted T this afternoon and told her that I am getting really anxious, and I'm working on dealing with it through mindfulness and distraction but I just wantd her to know. She wrote back and thanked me for telling her and said that she would be nervous, too, and that didn't go very far in making me feel better. 
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#2
Nov 01, 2011, 10:11 PM
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sending you good thoughts for your session, tomorrow, zooropa.
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~ 
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 zooropa
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#3
Nov 01, 2011, 10:18 PM
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I would like to go in there and play
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#4
Nov 01, 2011, 10:22 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~
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#5
Nov 01, 2011, 10:44 PM
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(((((((zoo))))))
 thinking of you...
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#6
Nov 02, 2011, 08:19 AM
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Quote:
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#7
Nov 02, 2011, 10:35 AM
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I think I'm probably not going. I don't know for sure, but I do know it's OK for me to protect myself and little zoo and the others. There are no wrong answers here.
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#8
Nov 02, 2011, 10:47 AM
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((((((((((((((((((( zoo )))))))))))))))))) thinking of you.
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#9
Nov 02, 2011, 10:49 AM
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Quote:
will you protect them by avoiding dealing with things that need to be dealt with though? you know well that these problems don't maigcally disappear by not facing them. They are not solved. Sometimes have have to face life and deal with it... cannot run and hide forever.
__________________
Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE |
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#10
Nov 02, 2011, 02:56 PM
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Going in to see T in 5 mins. If I don't throw up.
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#11
Nov 02, 2011, 03:52 PM
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Ah, even if you do throw up, it cleans. Wipe yourself off and get on over there.
 Thinking of you. Let us know how it goes.
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#12
Nov 02, 2011, 04:01 PM
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Thinking of you, zoo!!!!
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#13
Nov 02, 2011, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
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#14
Nov 02, 2011, 04:15 PM
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you're going to be okay, I can tell !
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#15
Nov 02, 2011, 05:30 PM
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it was ok. Some of it was really ****ed up. Some of it was ok. In the end, it didn't feel good, and I left there crying again. I'm tired of leaving there crying. I'm tired of opening up to T so she can hurt me. I am SO SO SO SO SO DISGUSTED with myself for not just stopping it. I don't even think effective therapy can happen between her and I any more. It is just really hard. My little parts want to hang on to her harder than ever, even while she hurts them.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#16
Nov 02, 2011, 05:31 PM
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I feel almost frantic to numb what I'm feeling right now. I can't keep this up. I just can't. I don't even know if coming here will help or if I need to shut that part off. I am so confused. So ****ing hurt.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#17
Nov 02, 2011, 06:35 PM
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((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))
I'm so sorry you were hurt again. Take care of yourself and be gentle.
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#18
Nov 02, 2011, 06:56 PM
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I wish I could help you feel better.
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#19
Nov 02, 2011, 07:21 PM
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zoo:
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#20
Nov 02, 2011, 08:50 PM
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((((((((zoo))))))))!!!
Do you want to talk about it?
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#21
Nov 02, 2011, 09:49 PM
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I want to talk about it, but not yet. I'm trying to keep my feet under me, trying to keep my head above water, whatever. I'm confused about what happened while I was there and then this huge, huge surge of emotions hit me when i got home.
The bottom line is, I can see her for 9 more mos if I want. She says I can and should do trauma work in the future, but not with her. That is the exact opposite of what she told me in the past, and I told her that, and she basically said, yeah, well things change. And I get that. I do. I thanked her for all the ways she's helped me. I told her some of the things she has taught me that I won't ever forget. I hugged her when I left. I just don't think I can go back. This is keeping me so unbalanced, so unstable. I can't concentrate on school, I can't pay my bills, I can't even keep food in the house for the kids. I think I have to make a clean break in order to save my sanity. I will find another T. I will find someone who is open to long-term care, and who has a lot of experience with trauma and with ptsd. I think that I will be able to trust again. It will be hard, but I can do it, and that's one of the things I learned from T that I will carry with me always.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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