Does your T make you start?

Maybe she is in admiration of the fact that you still showed up. (I am being serious here!!)

I did admit all those things to T. I think she believes I am making a bigger deal out of some minor issues so that I don't deal with the problem that has completely devastated me. That gem came up towards the end of the session. I trust her professional opinion and we will be dedicating next week's session to this HUGE topic that I need to start addressing.

It is amazing how your whole life and future can be torn apart in an instant. the best laid plans fall apart and there is no way to fix it. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, but it is all I think about all day. I don't have thoughts of ending anything, but I definitely don't care to go on putting in effort to living day to day. It is exhausting.

All I can offer is hugs Just hang in there, roll with the punches ... that's what I'm doing right now

Thank you all for the support. I will continue to hang in there. Sometimes it's all you can do, right? And I guess that is enough. It has to be.

[quote=3rdTimesTheCharm;2048786]Was the problem that he wanted you to start, or was the problem that he was cold and distant, and never responded back to you in any meaningful way? [rhetorical question, you don't have to answer]

I prefer to set my own agenda in therapy and that is what has worked for me. My T has occasionally mentioned things that he thinks would be helpful for me to look at "when I'm ready", usually something that he has flagged from my journal. My journal also assists me in helping me track my own progress and what issues are on my mind.

But I get a lot back from my T, most of which I am usually willing to hear . He always makes an effort to connect with whatever I am saying and to share back with me. Sometimes his connections are kinda wacky, sometimes they are totally profound or insightful, sometimes they are just empathic and thoughtful, even loving. It would drive me stark raving mad, probably homicidal, if someone only reacted with the same bleeping question whenever I paused to take a breath.

Okay...you should expect this by now...here I go again. My cold, distant T would NEVER help me start. Even when I asked him to help, and even when I asked, "How are you?" He had a one word answer...."ok." And then he would make this odd hand gesture...which looked kind of like a waiter holding a tray, in order to indicate that I speak. I brought this up once, and he did eventually acknowledge that this must be difficult to put the onus so firmly on me. He told me this was a part of the "tradition."

Tradition? What could he possibly have been talking about? I did not ask, and this was so late in the therapy with him that I decided not to pursue. But my new T candidates that I'm talking with are all much more of a back and forth style, and I feel that I've learned that for myself, it's key to have some way "in." A T who insists that I start, from scratch, isn't what I need. In fact, it just starts me on a spiral of approval seeking that ends nowhere.....