[mixedup_emotions]

I saw T yesterday, and I really wanted to address what we worked on last week....but I also wanted to avoid it. *sigh*

I had just gotten my blood test results back, and I was a bit upset about it because I have several issues that need to be addressed (liver enzymes, sodium level, cholesterol, thyroid)...and I'm scared. I avoided getting bloodwork done for so long...and here it is, the results. Blech.

Anywho...

In T, after talking about the medical stuff for a bit, I told him that I think I'm just avoiding talking about last week....and then we got into it.

And I shared something about me that I never told T before....a very strong, consistent pattern.....that, at times, I have a strong desire to feel cared for (by him, was the most recent trigger, last week)....like a desperation...and then I beat myself up emotionally to the point of pain and numbness....so that I don't feel that strong desire anymore. I feel that numb protected shell that says I don't need anyone to care about me.

T said that that seems like a lot of work. I told him that it was better than what I used to do, which was cutting. T said that this seems to be the emotional equivalent....like getting an itch on your arm and scratching it so hard to feel pain and then numbness, but the itch is gone.

That's exactly it.

He wants to continue to talk about this at my next session. I guess it's progress talking about this...because I know it's what I go through on a very regular basis.

[elliemay]

Oh yes! THis is movement! I know it took a lot of willingness to be vulnerable and a desire to be free to open up to your therapist.

This is really hard.

How do you feel today?

A lot of what you said really resonated with me. Of course no one wants to go around feeling desperate - so much better to feel nothing. It seems in my case that the more difficult it is for me to bring up certain things with T, the more important they are. The easy stuff is usually .... well, not too important.

So yes, this is progress!!! It sounds like this is a big issue with you, and you took the most difficult and important step by bringing it up. Since your T wants to talk about it more next session, that shows he knows it's important. Hang in there - you're not alone in feeling this way. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((( MUE ))))))) this is good work! instead of cutting, or emotional cutting if you will, you took a leap of faith and shared with yr T - this. is. good. work.
I know it was hard for you - keep going, you are on the way up!!

also... I am sorry about yr test results. many hugs to you

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks so much for the feedback. I am doing ok today, but feeling a bit vulnerable to T. Ugh. But I know I NEED to do this because the emotional pain that I go through is just too strong and I HATE it and need to figure out how to work through it. It also really, really clicked when I related my emotional process to cutting. It is SO true. Instead of physically cutting as I did as a teen and a couple years ago, I have been emotionally cutting myself to the point of numbness.

I don't know what happened recently that allowed me to be so open with T...I've been seeing him for nearly 3 years, and I don't think I've allowed that part of me to surface, ever. I'm sure it's a good thing.

Thanks again for all your support.

[madisgram]

sounds like positive progress, MIE. and your T, sounds like you are seeing a good one! i feel vulnerable sometimes revealing things but i've learned in the long run it's beneficial.

[mixedup_emotions]

I see T again later today, and I know we need to get back to this topic. This will be the first time that we've carried on a topic through 3 sessions. Most of the time, I never bring things back up...and neither does T, as he lets me lead. But I am determined to get to the bottom of this....yet SO afraid at the same time.

Blech.

[ECHOES]

mue, I admire your courage and determination!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

. But I am determined to get to the bottom of this....yet SO afraid at the same time.

Blech.

I can so relate. It takes a lot of courage and strength to plow forward. I'd like to encourage you to continue on this path of deep self-exploration like so many have encouraged me here on PC. In the end, it will be for the best to face the tough stuff. Hiding away will only allow that wound to fester. Good luck.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

But I am determined to get to the bottom of this....yet SO afraid at the same time.

((((((((MUE))))))))))

THIS is how healing happens. It seems like the scariest things..the things that makes us feel most vulnerable..are the ones that create movement and open up some space inside for something new. Good for you for moving through the fear. It sounds like a GIANT leap forward to me