[granite1]

trigger do to SI please don't read if in a bad place




been doing a lot of thinking about my T and stuff this last 2 weeks and how i miss her.i have a lot going on again and am worried about getting out of control again.i don't know if you guys remember how bad things got when my husband finely brought me to the clinic because he was so scared.anyway it wasn't good.and I'm worried this is coming around again

i tend to use SI as a way to cope with stress at times. i use to cut a lot.i haven't cut in a few years i did some when i first started seeing this T but quickly changed to a different method of SI that doesn't scar and leaves no evidence when healed.anyway,this summer i got into body piercing a socially acceptable form of SI.and easy to hide.but it has also seems to have awakened the memories of how this form of SI felt . i know i am getting more piercing because of the feelings of relief i am getting from it (sorry please don't think i am sick)it is just a big feeling of relief.one i remember well. winter is coming and i am already having thoughts of SI and how easy it is to hide during the winter and at the same time how easily i seem to be getting out of control.

a part of me so wants to share this feeling with my T and maybe i wont be so inclined to do it if someone else in real life knows about how i am feeling.the problem is this.she doesn't know that i have done any SI sense i have been seeing her.she knows i did this in the past and i have just left her to believe it is an old behavior.i want to tell her and work on not doing this any more but i am scared to death that she will be so angry or sickened by me,or that she wont want to work with me.i wont be able to handle her feelings about it.i don't want her to hate me or reject me.not now.

the other thoughts are my timing,am i again just using the SI as a way to avoid talking about feelings and experiences.and is this what she will think and just tell me to stop or she wont work with me.will she think i am doing it for attention.(If so i failed at this because i haven't told her in 3 years)will the way she thinks of me change .will our therapy change forever.

can people tell me what there T's boundaries are around SI and how have they reacted when they get this information.I'm not talking about SU just SI.how did you tell your T

i have been reading so much on here about how all you brave people are dealing and really am starting to think that maybe it is time for me to start dealing with some of this stuff but would be totally devastated if my T dumped me over it.maybe i shouldn't.

[stopdog]

SI trigger stuff (I don't know how to warn -do I need to do anything else?)

Doing therapy makes me want to si to stop the feelings I have when I leave of rage impotence frustration and general wrongedness. It has been this way since the first time I tried therapy 25 years ago. I left the office once night when I tried this in my early 20's- after about the 3rd or 4th appointment and broke both my hands without realizing it. It did not hurt at the time, it just gave me relief from the horrible way I was feeling. I had rarely done si during high school or college and could usually stave it off or not actually cause injury. That t wanted a "contract" of no self injury which I thought was possibly the dumbest thing I had ever heard of and it did no good for me - I just did not tell her about it and quit therapy after about a year. After quitting therapy that time, the urge went away (I had the urge after almost every appoinment even if I did not succumb); I tried therapy again about 15 years later and the same thing happened in terms of wanting to do it. I told that t (who rarely said anything) and on the si she did not say anything either. She did not indicate it was worth exploring and I did not know what to say - that one lasted about 4 months with the si urges getting worse after each appointment. With the one I just quit, the urges started again and I told the t. She called it resistance and said I should not do therapy if it was not safe for me. Once or twice I actually caused injury and told her about it. She asked where and how bad and that was it. I guess I could have told her more if I had wanted to do so. I did not really know what more to say.
So that has been my experience. Other than the one who wanted the K, the other two did not have that much to say so no boundaries as far as I can tell, unless the last one was going to tell me directly to quit, but she never did say that.

[WePow]

Those pains are hard to share with T, but that is the only way to work through and find the root of the SI. Be VERY honest. That WILL bring healing.

[granite1]

i guess saying anything to her may not be the greatest idea i have so far and probibly the stupidest. i think it best i stay safe and not say a word.sorry for all the drama

[stopdog]

I think talking to your t about it is a good idea if it is something you want to talk about. I was trying to say mine did not really have any strong reaction to the info and no boundary things about it except for the contract idea. Some have rules about no contact after si for a certain amount of time, like 48 hours or something. But it it is on your mind and you want to tell the t, it is probably a good idea to do so.

[learning1]

You're not being dramatic at all Granite. not the tiniest bit. You're doing the opposite by thinking you shouldn't tell us something that's really important. Is there anything more important than talking about exactly this topic when it comes to therapy? It must be one of the most important ones i think.

Well, I wasn't sure what you meant about staying safe and not talking about it. If you think talking about it would cause you to hurt your self worse then I guess it would be good to slow down and take your time talking about it. But if you could start to talk about it, that's probably good too.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Granite ))))

I, too, used to SI....when I was a teenager, and then again shortly after my husband and I split up - and I witnessed a traumatic event that triggered all sorts of horrible memories for me....

I shifted from physical SI to emotional SI....which is painful in its own way but helps me to numb out all the bad stuff...

My T and I were talking recently about how our brains are protective but get in the way of our bodies getting our needs met. My body would be telling me something - but my brain would figure out all the ways that this could possibly be dangerous, thus shutting down the need that my body is trying to tell me. This is a foreign thing for me, because I always thought my brain did everything. My body is just something that's attached to it.

T wants me to try working on quieting my brain and letting my body figure out what it needs and work towards it...and when my brain goes haywire and on overload with its protective measures, acknowledge it - and then tell my brain to be quiet - and let my body do what it needs to do.

Not sure if this is of any help to you....I just see similarities in how your body is fighting for something, but your brain won't allow it. I am in a similar place, and am hoping I will be able to work on it....(( HUGS ))

[Perna]

Lots of people go to T for SI help? I would just consider myself one of them and say what I could, work on it (if you want) as I could.

http://helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Perna

Lots of people go to T for SI help? I would just consider myself one of them and say what I could, work on it (if you want) as I could.

http://helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

what a great link thanks perna

[granite1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

SI trigger stuff (I don't know how to warn -do I need to do anything else?)

Doing therapy makes me want to si to stop the feelings I have when I leave of rage impotence frustration and general wrongedness. It has been this way since the first time I tried therapy 25 years ago. I left the office once night when I tried this in my early 20's- after about the 3rd or 4th appointment and broke both my hands without realizing it. It did not hurt at the time, it just gave me relief from the horrible way I was feeling. I had rarely done si during high school or college and could usually stave it off or not actually cause injury. That t wanted a "contract" of no self injury which I thought was possibly the dumbest thing I had ever heard of and it did no good for me - I just did not tell her about it and quit therapy after about a year. After quitting therapy that time, the urge went away (I had the urge after almost every appoinment even if I did not succumb); I tried therapy again about 15 years later and the same thing happened in terms of wanting to do it. I told that t (who rarely said anything) and on the si she did not say anything either. She did not indicate it was worth exploring and I did not know what to say - that one lasted about 4 months with the si urges getting worse after each appointment. With the one I just quit, the urges started again and I told the t. She called it resistance and said I should not do therapy if it was not safe for me. Once or twice I actually caused injury and told her about it. She asked where and how bad and that was it. I guess I could have told her more if I had wanted to do so. I did not really know what more to say.
So that has been my experience. Other than the one who wanted the K, the other two did not have that much to say so no boundaries as far as I can tell, unless the last one was going to tell me directly to quit, but she never did say that.

thanks for sharing some of your story and thanks for understanding

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WePow

Those pains are hard to share with T, but that is the only way to work through and find the root of the SI. Be VERY honest. That WILL bring healing.

wepow it is unbelieveably hard because at this point i'm not sure i am ready to stop completely

[granite1]

Originally Posted by learning1

You're not being dramatic at all Granite. not the tiniest bit. You're doing the opposite by thinking you shouldn't tell us something that's really important. Is there anything more important than talking about exactly this topic when it comes to therapy? It must be one of the most important ones i think.

Well, I wasn't sure what you meant about staying safe and not talking about it. If you think talking about it would cause you to hurt your self worse then I guess it would be good to slow down and take your time talking about it. But if you could start to talk about it, that's probably good too.

thanks learning.i think i better back off from wanting to tell her about this and go a bit slower

[granite1]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

(((( Granite ))))

I, too, used to SI....when I was a teenager, and then again shortly after my husband and I split up - and I witnessed a traumatic event that triggered all sorts of horrible memories for me....

I shifted from physical SI to emotional SI....which is painful in its own way but helps me to numb out all the bad stuff...

My T and I were talking recently about how our brains are protective but get in the way of our bodies getting our needs met. My body would be telling me something - but my brain would figure out all the ways that this could possibly be dangerous, thus shutting down the need that my body is trying to tell me. This is a foreign thing for me, because I always thought my brain did everything. My body is just something that's attached to it.

T wants me to try working on quieting my brain and letting my body figure out what it needs and work towards it...and when my brain goes haywire and on overload with its protective measures, acknowledge it - and then tell my brain to be quiet - and let my body do what it needs to do.

Not sure if this is of any help to you....I just see similarities in how your body is fighting for something, but your brain won't allow it. I am in a similar place, and am hoping I will be able to work on it....(( HUGS ))

thanks for understanding MUE.i know things havnt been very easy for you these days and hope you are feeling ok.i know you struggle with bad headachs.sending hugs to ya.

[granite1]

hugsto everyone and thanks for responding.i have been reading so much on here about people being able to tell there T about SI i guess i thought it was something i was going to be able to be because so many here are able to but i guess i am just not ready to do this yet.but i cant say enough thanks for all the inspiration i get from everyone of you every day

[PTSDlovemycats]

When I talk to my T after I have SI'd she doesn't want to know where or how or any details of the actual SI. She wants to know what it was that was happening and what I was feeling before the SI. I hope this helps Granite. And yes, I totally get the winter thing, long sleeves, etc. Just remember summer isn't that far off from winter and scars last a lifetime in most cases. Stay safe Granite.