I e mail my T regularly and he always answers. He knows how much trouble I've had sleeping even though I've tried every med known to man. He also knows my family history i.e. I am the black sheep. At one point, my brother and SIL decided not to allow me to baby sit my neice because "mental illness can be soooo dangerous" I have DID, have had it for quite a while and raised two kids while dealing with it. Tonight T e mails me and tells me he thinks watching my new grandchild is too dangerous to the baby given how hard a time I've had sleeping. I could get psychotic.....
OMFG! Join the club with my brother! I have never been so hurt or blind sided in my life. I'm due to start babysitting Monday and he just pulls this out of his ***** NOW?? I would never in a million years harm anyone, let alone my grandchild! I told T about how hurt I was when my brother did that to me and now T does the same thing! I feel that he either wants to hear 1) I am fine or 2) I am sick , in need of comittment.
I'm so hurt I could die. I can't see myself going back to him now.

BTW, My grandson is the only ray of hope in my life...the only person who always can make me smile. I love him more than anything.

[silentandscared]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

I e mail my T regularly and he always answers. He knows how much trouble I've had sleeping even though I've tried every med known to man. He also knows my family history i.e. I am the black sheep. At one point, my brother and SIL decided not to allow me to baby sit my neice because "mental illness can be soooo dangerous" I have DID, have had it for quite a while and raised two kids while dealing with it. Tonight T e mails me and tells me he thinks watching my new grandchild is too dangerous to the baby given how hard a time I've had sleeping. I could get psychotic.....
OMFG! Join the club with my brother! I have never been so hurt or blind sided in my life. I'm due to start babysitting Monday and he just pulls this out of his ***** NOW?? I would never in a million years harm anyone, let alone my grandchild! I told T about how hurt I was when my brother did that to me and now T does the same thing! I feel that he either wants to hear 1) I am fine or 2) I am sick , in need of comittment.
I'm so hurt I could die. I can't see myself going back to him now.

BTW, My grandson is the only ray of hope in my life...the only person who always can make me smile. I love him more than anything.

hugs to you if ok.......my heart goes out to you, it really does. Having DID does not make us a threat to children and we are more than able to raise children without this kind of prejudice. We grow expecting it from others and the media but l think that we NEVER expect it from our T's. I can understand the hurt and pain your T's comment must have made to you. Don't give up or doubt yourself but instead try and use the love and hope that your grandchild gives you. Dont give up as giving up means giving up on your grandson which from your post l doubt that you could do. Know that you are not alone in this and hang onto the love, hope and ray of sunshine that is in your life right now. Only you know wether you are in a place right now to look after your grandchild, be guided by that

Know that you are not alone and keep posting
hugs
SAS xx

[unaluna]

I think since you asked him in email, he is just trying to cover his butt. It is not really personal, it is more a legal answer - if someone isn't sleeping, can they become dangerous? Yes, they have had studies recently that people are falling asleep driving more than anything else. We know the brain needs its sleep, we just don't know why. He can not have written, to ANYONE, no, it doesn't matter if you don't sleep.

Did T initiate this email exchng, or was he responding to something you said? BTW, I was never allowed to babysit my brother's kid, but had to tell my mother to stop touching him inappropriately when she changed his diaper, as she didn't think there was anything wrong with that, and she had full access to him. Who's the crazy one?

I agree with Hankster on this one. Your T is documenting that he has voiced his concern in the off chance that you do become psychotic due to lack of sleep (which is a known result of insomnia). A child is involved and if he has any concerns, he really has to be sure he's covering his bases. He is probably also wanting to be sure you are being realistically aware of the seriousness of the possible results of your insomnia on you, and your grandson, should the insomnia issues lop over into your time tending to his care. Insomnia isn't just a problem for people with DID. I have bipolar disorder and absolutely know that if I go without sleep, psychosis is a distinct possibility, and psychosis and childcare don't mix very well. Consider it a heads up. Of course you or I would never mean to harm anyone, but you or I under psychosis? I don't know about you, but I'm certainly not in my right mind if I am psychotic. I am pretty certain my T and my pdoc and my family would intervene and take precautions if that was the case. But you aren't psychotic right now, so just take it as a heads up rather than a betrayal. T's and pdocs have an obligation to bring us their concerns, and when the welfare of a child is involved, the obligation is all the more stronger.

[FourRedheads]

Just want to give you one of these.

[roadtrip]

I can understand how that would make you feel bad. Receiving the same message two times would sting me as well. In my opinion I think your brothers message may have been given out of lack of knowledge or bias (again I really would not know of course). To hear your T say that again ouch. However in my opinion your T's response while the same as before may be based in something else and talking to your T about it would be very useful. Perhaps covering himself, perhaps out of some research that says folks will little sleep have displayed certain characterictics. That reasearch can be what is concerning your T not that YOU in particular are not fit but that T can't give an OK knowing there is evidence out there to suggest potential problems could arise under certain circumstances. It's a differance that may be hard to see especially when it so stronly feels like the same hurtful message. I hope you talk to your T because I think you can then understand better why T said that.

[beautiful.mess]

No words, just hugs.

[beadlady29-old]

(((((((((((((((((((calista))))))))))))))))))))))
hugs and more hugs on their way 2 u!
OUCH comes to mind. beads totally understands how u would be wondering iffen u want to see this T again are not. i kinda get what others have said in their replies about the legal aspect of cya, but it still sounds like a pretty rotten thing to write ta us. anyway, beads hears u and wants u to no we care . pm iffen u wants to.
mary sue

[ChristineEsq]

I could be wrong here, but just going off of personal experience, it's likely that what Calista is so hurt by is less the warning about insomnia and more about the fact that her T has reenacted a painful memory that she made a point of discussing with him (and that probably took some courage on her part since it's never easy to resurrect the wound of feeling humiliated).

What can make this kind of thing so hurtful is the belief/assumption that the T, ever aware and mindful of the emotional scar that the exact same act created, has nevertheless made a conscious choice to force you relive it (be it out of self-interest or malice). When I experienced this, I was in too much pain to have anything to lose, so I just sent my (former) T an email that explained - in as honest of terms as I could bear - how hurt and abandoned I felt that she had recreated something so painful for me and didn't find me worth sparing that pain. During the very next session I had with her, she went out of her way to completely counteract the experience she had caused me to relive. I don't think she would have bothered if she had really meant to cause me harm or in any way retraumatize me (especially since this involved initiating physical contact with me).

I'm willing to bet that your T likewise meant no harm, but you'll never know if you deny him (and more importantly, yourself) the chance to explain and, hopefully, make things right with you. In the meantime, my heart goes out to you, Calista, and I'm so sorry that you are having to experience such pain and sadness.

[PreacherHeckler]

"What can make this kind of thing so hurtful is the belief that the T, ever aware and mindful of the emotional scar that the exact same act had caused you, has nevertheless made a conscious choice to force you relive it (be it out of self-interest or malice)"

Sometimes T's do make a conscious choice to force us to relive something extremely painful but it doesn't always mean it's due to self-interest or malice. Sometimes it's out of genuine concern for our well being. If we're potentially setting ourselves up for disaster or heartbreak but we want something so desperately that we are unable to see the dangers realistically, the kindest intervention, regardless of how painful it may be, is to insist that we take a closer look at it. I see neither self-interest not malice in Calista's T's message. I see concern for Calista and for her grandchild. I understand that it feels very hurtful because it feels as though her T is treating her the same way, but the operative word here is "feels." Feelings are not necessarily facts, so even though it feels the same as it did in the past, I don't see that her T is acting out of malice or self-interest or ignorance at all. I see him acting out of genuine concern, because IF something were to happen to the baby then Calista would be forced to experience a much deeper, more profound pain than what she is feeling right now. And she would likely relive it for the rest of her life.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am an insomniac, too, and I realize that when I don't have any sleep, my symptoms do get worse.

But it's temporary. When I do get sleep, food, comfort, basic needs met, I am okay.

And I agree that the therapist could have been more considerate.

If I had been in that place, I would have been extremely upset. Someone telling me something painful and then someone I should be able to go to and trust says the same thing.

Esp. without validating my issues.

Billi

[likewater]

((((((Calista)))))) i agree with hankster that your T is probably being overly cautious, but i can see
How your T and family not trusting you is extremely hurtful.
It's not the end of the world. You can still enjoy being a grandma. Instead of being used as a babysitter, you can just take care of ypurself and spend family time together for now. This will pass.

Originally Posted by hankster

I think since you asked him in email, he is just trying to cover his butt. It is not really personal, it is more a legal answer - if someone isn't sleeping, can they become dangerous? Yes, they have had studies recently that people are falling asleep driving more than anything else. We know the brain needs its sleep, we just don't know why. He can not have written, to ANYONE, no, it doesn't matter if you don't sleep.

Did T initiate this email exchng, or was he responding to something you said? BTW, I was never allowed to babysit my brother's kid, but had to tell my mother to stop touching him inappropriately when she changed his diaper, as she didn't think there was anything wrong with that, and she had full access to him. Who's the crazy one?

Hankster
I simply told T in an e mail that I was having a very hard time sleeping. I didn't ask him anything.
It was like a flash back to when my brother said this and the whole family rallied around him without even speaking to me about it. To me it perpetuates a stigma that is already too prevalent and hurtful.
I wasn't talking about driving with the baby, since until we get used to one another, we're going to lay low. I'm sorry what happened with your mother and the family craziness we all can relate to but since I am the only one getting therapy (as my father used to tell me) that makes ME the designated nut.

Originally Posted by likewater

((((((Calista)))))) i agree with hankster that your T is probably being overly cautious, but i can see
How your T and family not trusting you is extremely hurtful.
It's not the end of the world. You can still enjoy being a grandma. Instead of being used as a babysitter, you can just take care of ypurself and spend family time together for now. This will pass.

It may not be the end of the world, but letting all the rest of the family scapegoat me in one way or another, without anyone stepping in to help, hurts. Why don't we just take all "mental patients" out and stone them?

Originally Posted by roadtrip

I can understand how that would make you feel bad. Receiving the same message two times would sting me as well. In my opinion I think your brothers message may have been given out of lack of knowledge or bias (again I really would not know of course). To hear your T say that again ouch. However in my opinion your T's response while the same as before may be based in something else and talking to your T about it would be very useful. Perhaps covering himself, perhaps out of some research that says folks will little sleep have displayed certain characterictics. That reasearch can be what is concerning your T not that YOU in particular are not fit but that T can't give an OK knowing there is evidence out there to suggest potential problems could arise under certain circumstances. It's a differance that may be hard to see especially when it so stronly feels like the same hurtful message. I hope you talk to your T because I think you can then understand better why T said that.

My brothers message was given out of disgust, dislike and ignorance. That's the way my family operates; gang up on the weaker....
Fine I get it...without sleep, I am useless. But I am not nor will I ever be a danger to anyone.

T's message did make me relive an awful time in my life. I confided in T over many years. He knows me well. He knew how the incident with my brother and the many that followed, made me feel.
I don't feel confident in confiding so much now. I have enough self awareness to know if I am psychotic or getting to that point.
It hurts, pure and simple.....if that makes me weak or whatever, so be it. I've lived with this crap all my life and I'm sick of it.

[unaluna]

I'm sorry, Cal, I was not being supportive. or helpful in any way. You can figure out legal junk yourself, but it's completely irrelevant here. It must have been quite a shock to get that from your T. I am truly sorry.

Originally Posted by hankster

I'm sorry, Cal, I was not being supportive. or helpful in any way. You can figure out legal junk yourself, but it's completely irrelevant here. It must have been quite a shock to get that from your T. I am truly sorry.

Hankster
don't worry about it.....I appologise in advance for the post I just wrote. I should have known better than to post this. It isn't about legality, it's about ..I don't even know what it's about any more.... It's all bull.....

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for the responses. I DO appreciate the time all of you took. I'm in a bad space right now. Maybe a mod needs to close this thread before me and my big mouth get into something....
I shouldn't post about myself. It always goes bad.

[unaluna]

My really stupid point was that my brother and SIL made a "rule" of grandparents only will babysit, in order to keep the baby away from me, and the rule backfired on them. The so-called person with problems, me, always in therapy, may have been the better choice - and I think you would be too. The scapegoat is the sane one, I think. I am sorry for the bad stuff.

I'm sorry to all....Hankster mostly to you....

[unaluna]

buds again I hope (even if we are butts?!)

Originally Posted by hankster

buds again I hope (even if we are butts?!)

Budds always...Butts sometimes

Sometimes I seriously need to pull the stick out, you know?

Originally Posted by hankster

My really stupid point was that my brother and SIL made a "rule" of grandparents only will babysit, in order to keep the baby away from me, and the rule backfired on them. The so-called person with problems, me, always in therapy, may have been the better choice - and I think you would be too. The scapegoat is the sane one, I think. I am sorry for the bad stuff.

Ok That wasn't a stupid point at all. If my head had been out in the sunlight instead of where it was, I would have understood what you were saying. I'm sorry; I can be too sensitive.