Struggling with anxiety

Saw my T yesterday. He really, really wants me in the hospital. I don't disagree with him, but my job isn't allowing that kind of time away from the classroom right now. If only it were a few weeks down the road . . . . That isn't helping my feeling of being trapped. This really sucks.

So we spent our time coming up with plans on how to handle things if they do get to be more than I can take. He wanted me to come in again tomorrow (Friday), but (a) he didn't have an opening that would work for me, and (b) Friday we plan on leaving pretty immediately for the big rivalry football game, so I'm booked up myself so to speak.

I'm exhausted. T said that is one of his concerns about me right now is that my level of fatigue both physically and mentally is very high. It just is what it is.

I hope that I'm not being intrusive but what would happen in hospital that couldn't happen with T while at home? Please don't answer if you're not comfortable with this question... and in the meantime, all the blessings to you!

In the hospital safety is not a factor. When I am this depressed and anxious, I historically have become impulsively suicidal. I have made attempts and have come very close to succeeding. My T can't be with me 24/7 to monitor my safety; the hospital can. The other benefit of the hospital is that my pdoc outpatient is also my pdoc inpatient. Inpatient he can make much quicker adjustments to medications if needed. (He would also really like me to be in the hospital right now.)

I need to be there, but I'm feeling the tug of being the teacher who can't pass off what I am teaching right now to a substitute; it literally is not possible for a substitute to teach this unit. I feel stuck, but that's just the way it is right now. I don't feel safe in my own skin, particularly at night, and that in itself creates anxiety, and it's a pretty vicious cycle. Surely this will let up soon.

I like your last line.....surely it will let up soon. I feel like these things are sometimes cycles (though how long they will last is a mystery to me!).

Thank you for being so open...My thoughts are with you!!!!

cool that you have a way to contribute to the next Generation by teaching and giving so much that way....I do cause-related work and it gives me so much....but also TAKES A LOT TO DO. Hang in there!

Well, T's secretary just called offering an appointment at 5:00 tomorrow, but that is not going to work for me. Oh well. I'll call him if I need him. She also had to move next week's appointment to later in the week because of something or other. Not thrilled about that, but I'm sure his secretary will call me if something opens up earlier than that. It's going to be a long week.

I wish I could help.

Just keep posting and letting us know you are ok. People care about you!

I hope it eases up soon for you.

Hope it's going better farmergirl & sending postive thoughts your way.

I'm about to head to bed, but just saw this thread had been bumped up again. Thanks for thinking about me.

It has been a busy two days. Last night was the big rivalry football game (froze our tushes off). This morning my youngest son auditioned for regionals in choir (he made it by the way). Today was a marching band competition for our middle son that we just got home from (our band won; very proud of them; I am completely in awe of this band).

My husband had a session with our T on Friday afternoon. T talked to him about needing to keep an eye on me, particulary when I get up during the night. (I was actually supposed to talk to my husband about that myself, but I just couldn't do it. T took it upon himself -- rightfully so.) Hubby didn't freak out too badly, so that's okay I guess.

Now that all of the activities are over, I'm afraid things are going to get more difficult. We'll see how it goes.

(((((((Chris)))))))

Thinking of you today.

Thinking of you and hoping that you got some sleep after what sounds like an exciting and exhausting day!