[granite1]

so i got in there room and sat down and didn't notice the letter.than she said something about starting to read it and remembering i made a deal that if i sent her a letter that i would read it.i wouldn't so she got angry and asked for the letter again telling me it is hers and i had no right to keep it once i mailed it to her.i gave it to her and that was it next she is saying my name and don't do this,and again my name and don't do this it isn't right it was like she was yelling at me she kept saying my name and it isn't OK i didn't know what i was doing still don't.than she asked me to put the letter on the table and i think was talking to me about why i wrote this letter and how i cant not talk to her.and that she knows something happens and i cant talk.i don't know all that she said.but than asked for the letter again and i gave it to her and she read it.she talked about trust abd babies and how they are not badi don't believe this.she asked how i was such a good mom to my son because she believes i am and i told her he made it easy because he was an easy baby.i just cant believe her when she talks about babies and trust.she did say that she believes me when i say as a child i didn't trust people she said this made a lot of sense to her.she than asked about my friend and i was able to talk to her about her and than i was able to talk to her a little about how it was when i went to help the mother last year.i haven't been able to talk to her about it.i seem to really open up some.how can i be so closed up and than be able to tell her about some really personal stuff about the mother and my friend and some other stuff.she asked me how i was feeling about what i shared with her.i felt nothing.but i didn't know how i was going to feel later .she started talking about my fear and having flashbacks.but didn't give me any answers as to how to not have this happen.I'm scared to go to sleep.but i was able to talk to her better than i have ever been but she was so angry with me at first.i don't know what happened.so angry about the letter.but she said she cared about me.i don't know if i believe her.I'm confused but i think it will be OK.i actually talked about the mother just a little bit.i don't know how she will be with this but it is strange this whole session was strangei'm scared to sleep

[granite1]

she also came and got me 5 min late and i think answered the phone durring my session.than said she was selfish for doing that and knows it hurt me .but it didnt i just thought if she answered the phone she had a client that needed her to help or was in crisis.i didnt like that she turned it bad at all and she is always late in getting me

[WePow]

Be kind to yourself and go very slowly with this. Something with therapy hits you hard. Keep being very honest. You can do this. You can heal.

[rainbow8]

((((((granite))))))

I can tell how hard the session was and how many feelings were stirred up. Therapy involves pain, but the fact that you talked more about what you haven't before, is progress. You're going to be upset about it, but try to do what others tell me "trust the process". You have lots of reasons you've kept a lot of stuff inside for so long, so be easy with yourself. You're doing great. I hope you can sleep! Can you listen to some soothing tapes?

[Elli-Beth]

I'm not sure what to say to help you feel better, but here's a virtual ((hug))

[rainbow_rose]

{{{granite}}}

[FourRedheads]

(((granite)))

[karebear1]

That session sounds incredibly confusing.

I know there have been times when I'm with my T when she says things that I completely don't understand- like I did or said something that I don't remember. When that happens- I just look at her and honestly ask her if I said or did what she's referring to because I don't remember it. Sometimes she's just projecting, other times I have said/done whatever.

Can you ask T what happened to make her so angry at you granite?

[SoupDragon]

Sometimes after a hard session I am so stirred up and agitated that I just have to work hard at keeping myself together. Bnt then after a few days I can start to think about the session and often learn a few things. The feelings do calm, this is a hard journey, be kind to yourself. Soup

[BonnieJean]

(((Granite))) - I hope you can ask her why she was angry. It sounds so confusing.

[Wysteria]

Hi Granite...

I'm sorry that you are feeling so weird about your session with T, but you did know about sending the letter and that she would probably be reacting to it in one way or another in your last thread.. I thought Kacey really gave you a really great reply in the last post #24 of your last thread on this subject. I hope you'll go back and re-read it.

T's are only human and when we yell at them and berate them even in a letter they have a right to respond to us and let us know that there are consequences to our behaviours in the way we speak to others. You dreaded her response because you knew you had been very harsh with her in the letter. All relationships have some give and take. She did set a boundary and then went on to talk about trust and loving and nurturing and how much she cares about you. She never withdrew her support or caring...she just said you can't hurt people with words and not expect a reaction..

There's an old story about a boy that said something very cruel to his friend and the father overhead the comment and knew the friend was very hurt. Knowing that an apology was not enough..he took the boy in the bathroom and squeezed out a fairly long line of toothpaste on the counter and told the young son to put it all back in the tube and handed him a toothpick to do it with.
After a long time he went back to check on the son's progress. The son was very frustrated and nearly in tears. The father sat down and hugged him and reminded him how are our words are like the toothpaste. It is almost impossible to put them all back once we have said them in haste or cruelty.

Did the father love the son any less? No, of course not. He just showed him that words hurt. Your T just did the same thing...

Yes, we can always be open with our T's and they "understand" that we get angry and frustrated and all kinds of things can come out in therapy. But attacking the T personally is not helpful. She just wants you to think twice about those words you said, which even you knew had crossed the line... And then move on and open up in a positive and productive way with her and trust her to help you to move forward in your journey.
Nothing more..nothing less. She cares very much about you...if she didn't care she wouldn't reach out to you and try so very hard to help you..

Huggles,

Wysteria Blue

[granite1]

thanks hysteria.i really do have a hard time with words and i know how much they can hurt people .i use to be very horrible in how i treated the T's in my life and you are so right that T's are human and have a right to respond it just hurts but yes i do learn my lesson ans for sure i don't think i will ever send hr another letter in the mail again.
this is the letter i had written and sent to her.the last time she talked to me about trust i wrote her a letter about how i felt about trust but was to scared to send it so i added some of the stuff i had said to this letter because i felt it was needing to be said.i know i shouldn't have sent the letter but maybe someone can tell me a better way to say the things i need to say.i really have no words most of the time.i did tell her i was sorry for sending her the letter.i also put some of what i remember as my T's response to each paragraph.it was really helpful to remember what the were as best i could.

dear T,
i just hate everything tonight.i am so angry.you ask me for something i just cant give trust.why does everything need to come down to trust? i have never trusted anyone.Heal i dint even have any idea how to even begin to trust someone.not so sure i want to.It's OK if you don't want to see me anymore because i don't think i will ever know how to trust anyone.

my T response.in short Trust is basic and i don't think this is true that you cant trust people

i think i remember a long time ago you talked about kids and babies needing to trust.i know as a kid i never trusted anyone.i never wanted anything to do with people.i don't ever remember not hating people.in a strange way i think i trust people more now than i did as a kid.i just Had no need for horrible people.

my T response.this makes a lot of sense to me.i don't believe you did trust much why would you.you had no reason.or something like that

i think you also said babies have no choice but to trust don't see being forced to depend on a parent or guardian as any form of trust.i may have been Dependant but i don't need to like it. the idea of that woman ever taking care of me in any way makes me sick.the idea of her having to touch me for any reason makes my skin crawl,it's disgusting. i cant stand thinking about it knowing she hated every minute of anything she ever had to do for me,and hated me for it.so she fed me.how hard could it have been to shove a bottle in my face to shut me up? wow was i wrong,i must have been oozing trust all over the place,after all this undying love who wouldn't.

mt T response was long to this.she asked me how her reading this made me feel.i said nothing but worry about how i will feel later and she talked some about flashbacks.she also talked some about parenting and also about me parenting my son.about how babies are no born bad(don't believe it)and just a lot to write

you keep asking me to come up with some way that i could feel safe talking to you.at least this is what i think you are asking me.i can't,i have nothing. god it just seems like you think i have some choice in this, i don't. you talk to me about trust but don't want to tell me how,or cant.maybe i cant see it.probably wouldn't know it if it bit me in the ***.

my T's response . she said she wouldn't ask me to trust her and understands why i wouldn't.she then pointed out some people in my life that i might trust like my husband and my best friend.in a way it was like she was showing me that i can trust and how to trust by making me look at how i trust these people .it was nice.she said she understands why i don't trust her and who is she to ask for my trust or something like that

i don't know why i keep getting so angry and i am sorry.i know it is selfish and unhelpful. it is just me.i hate it when you think it is something you did wrong,it isn't i don't think i have ever seen anyone work so hard.thank you

thanks for your time
granite

my T response is. i can see why you keep getting so angry because week after week you come in here trying to communicate and you open your mouth and because you get scared or something nothing happens. or something like that.then she went on to talk about the letter and how it isn't helpful if i send her letters and than not talk about them.and then went on to talk about my friend and the mother.

i know i could have written this letter better and probably will never write another one again it is just to painful.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by granite1

dear T,
i just hate everything tonight.i am so angry.you ask me for something i just cant give trust.why does everything need to come down to trust? i have never trusted anyone.HE1l i dont even have any idea how to even begin to trust someone.not so sure i want to.It's ok if you dont want to see me anymore because i dont think i will ever know how to trust anyone.

if this was your whole letter, i fail to see how it could be construed as a personal attack or hurtful on your t.

[unaluna]

I don't know - from the description, it sounded like Granite's T is learning from Granite, how to be her T. The T started out all yelly about the letter, but kind of stopped herself, maybe as she realized it more important that Granite communicate, than that T's arbitrary rules be followed. T finally realized what a gift the letter was, as is any expression of feelings in therapy, and I believe all are welcome and without consequences - this was a LETTER to be explored, not a violent act. This T has not been able to meet Granite where she is, but she is getting better at it. I told my T at the very beginning that he would need supervision, not because he wasn't good, but because I was very bad!

[peaches100]

Hi Granite,

I'm somewhat confused by your t's response to your letter. I can't figure out what part of it would have made her angry. Do you recall what exactly your t was talking about when she used your name and said that something "wasn't OK"?

One thing i notice is how much more open you are about expressing your feelings!!! I can remember when you would go to your session and sit there and not be able to talk at all. You are making good progress!! Just do you best to keep communicating with your t, even if the feelings are painful or angry.

If you are anything like me, there are alot of times when my t and I misunderstand each other, or i misinterpret what she's saying. It doesn't surprise me because in my family growing up, we never shared our feelings or talked about problems. So learning how to truly communicate from the heart is hard!! Plus, it just makes me feel so vulnerable!! But you are doing very well, Granite. Keep plugging along!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

((((((granite))))))

I can tell how hard the session was and how many feelings were stirred up. Therapy involves pain, but the fact that you talked more about what you haven't before, is progress. You're going to be upset about it, but try to do what others tell me "trust the process". You have lots of reasons you've kept a lot of stuff inside for so long, so be easy with yourself. You're doing great. I hope you can sleep! Can you listen to some soothing tapes?

it was confuing and hard.i hope she doesnt stay to mad at me.i am not going next week so it will give her time to cool off if she is angry.she did say she cared about me again.i just think it best to not write any letters of any sort and if i cant talk so be it

[granite1]

sorry everyone i pushed the send before i was finished typing about the letter

[granite1]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Granite,

I'm somewhat confused by your t's response to your letter. I can't figure out what part of it would have made her angry. Do you recall what exactly your t was talking about when she used your name and said that something "wasn't OK"?

One thing i notice is how much more open you are about expressing your feelings!!! I can remember when you would go to your session and sit there and not be able to talk at all. You are making good progress!! Just do you best to keep communicating with your t, even if the feelings are painful or angry.

If you are anything like me, there are alot of times when my t and I misunderstand each other, or i misinterpret what she's saying. It doesn't surprise me because in my family growing up, we never shared our feelings or talked about problems. So learning how to truly communicate from the heart is hard!! Plus, it just makes me feel so vulnerable!! But you are doing very well, Granite. Keep plugging along!

peaches i really think i panicked and dont know what i was doing at al i just remember her king of yelling my name and saying dont do this and it isn't right i dont know what i was doing i wasnt reading the letteri think she was angry befor the letter i really dont know why.i do know i was so unbelievably terrified to read this letter.i wouldnt read it i know she was probibly upset at that

[granite1]

Originally Posted by stopdog

if this was your whole letter, i fail to see how it could be construed as a personal attack or hurtful on your t.

no it wasnt i accidentaly pushed submit before i was finished.sorry

Granite, you've thought your T was angry with you before only to discover that she wasn't, that you had that perception, but it was a misperception. Could that be what is going on now? You do have a tendency to jump to your default emotion that she is angry with you. I know that must be all tied into your history and your problems with being able to trust people.

But you know, you are demonstrating trust with her as you start opening up to her verbally. The two really go hand in hand. That's probably why she wants you to talk to her rather than write to her. Writing is self-protective for you--kind of a barrier you put up that says "I'll only give you this much trust, not all of it"; she wants you to risk trusting her enough pull down that barrier and to speak to her directly. Sounds like the rest of your session you were able to do just that. Good work.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Granite, you've thought your T was angry with you before only to discover that she wasn't, that you had that perception, but it was a misperception. Could that be what is going on now? You do have a tendency to jump to your default emotion that she is angry with you. I know that must be all tied into your history and your problems with being able to trust people.

But you know, you are demonstrating trust with her as you start opening up to her verbally. The two really go hand in hand. That's probably why she wants you to talk to her rather than write to her. Writing is self-protective for you--kind of a barrier you put up that says "I'll only give you this much trust, not all of it"; she wants you to risk trusting her enough pull down that barrier and to speak to her directly. Sounds like the rest of your session you were able to do just that. Good work.

i dont really know farmgirl.but she sure was loud and scray.i was completely terrified.i know she was frustrated that i wouldnt read the letter.i will solve this by not sending her any more.i dont think she was mad at the letter itself .in fact i remember her telling me to put the letter down.i just dont remember what i did.i know i wasnt mean to her at that point i dont think i was able to say anything i dont know chris i really dont.

[Sannah]

granite, I agree, your letter was not mean at all. Do you think that if you express yourself that it is mean? I think this letter got you talking in session which is very good. She said that you can send a letter but you have to read it but it sounds like she settled for reading it anyway and it was very productive. Do you think that you interpret firmness as anger? Or do you think that you expect everyone to be angry with your because of the mother? and really they are not but you still interpret it that way (especially if you are scared)?

[sunrise]

Granite, I think it's important that you tell your therapist that you think she was angry with you. Then she can have a chance to explain her reaction and if she was angry or not. I think there have been times before you thought your T was angry at you, but it turned out she actually wasn't. Could that be the case this time? If she wasn't angry but yet you thought she was, this will help her know what about her reaction made you think she was angry. And it could help you know too that when T is a certain way, it doesn't necessarily mean anger. On the other hand, if she was angry, this will be a good discussion too. I think you will both learn a lot.

[granite1]

i have been doing so much thinking with all the help all of you have given.i dont know why what happens happens when i try to talk or read a letter to my T.i mean i guess for reading the letter i do have a basic feeling that i can see happening and maybe it is time to share this with her if i can put it into words.something i may try to do in the next day or so.so i can remember the feeling

[stopdog]

If I sent a t a letter or email, I would not read it aloud at the appointment. They can read it or not, but I would not read it aloud to them. I would be really pissed off at a t who got upset with me for not reading it aloud. Good luck granite1