I realized after my session that what I really, REALLY want at the end of therapy is just to believe I am "good enough". Not perfect, not without flaws, not happy all the time...but acceptable, however I am...whether I'm sad, or tired, or happy, or impatient, or whatever. I want that peace inside.

I see my children as "good enough". No matter how they feel or act in any given moment, I believe DEEPLY, all the way down in my soul, that they are exactly how they are supposed to be. They are FINE. They are good enough. Do they need to learn and grow? Yes, like all of us. But they are perfect in this moment. I want to believe that about me.

A while ago, I was really really sad. I didn't think I could ever feel better...but I knew that there were happy moments in my days...so I started narrating them to myself so I would notice them. If my child told a joke and we laughed, I would tell myself in my head "this is a happy moment". And the sadness was still there, but the happiness was there too.

So, I am trying to do that with moments of good enough. Today, my teenager had to get a filling. He was hungry afterward, so I got him something to eat on the way to school. It was so funny watching him chew with his numb face, so I made a video of him on my phone so he could see himself. I showed him the video, and I could hear myself laughing in the background of it. And I didn't think "I sound stupid" or whatever. I thought "I sound happy when I laugh". And my boys and I ALL laughed about the video and I realized it was a moment of "good enough". No judgement, no worrying about before or later. Just being fine in that moment with who I was and what was happening.

I know T believes I am good enough, although sometimes I am scared to believe he believes that (like now, actually). There is something VERY scary for me about letting myself believe that he believes that...and even scarier about letting myself believe it about myself, even for a moment.

BUT. I know from therapy that the scariest things are the things that help me heal. So, I am going to try as hard as I can to let myself believe 1 out of 10 times that I am good enough, no matter what.

I just said in another thread that right now, I don't want to be T's favorite, I want to be MY favorite. I just SO want that peace. I don't want to be my past, or the old messages I was told, or the things that happened to me. I just want to be okay, right now, how I am. I think that yesterday in session, maybe, maybe, maybe T and I opened up a tiny bit of space for that. I hope so.

[granite1]

we truly can learn so much from these cherished moment with our children. to realize that in there eyes we are good enough also.i remember on day when my son was on leave i asked him out of the blue if he wanted to come on some stupid chore i needed to do and he just said sure.it ended out to one of the most special memories of my life with him.we ended up just spending the day together and doing nothing special,stores lunch etc...but i was at this time good enough to him and myself and i was able to feel this to the core also.
IT IS AN AMAZING GIFT OUR KIDS CAN GIVE US AT TIMES.and an amazing feeling also .isn't it?
thanks again for sharing

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I know T believes I am good enough, although sometimes I am scared to believe he believes that (like now, actually). There is something VERY scary for me about letting myself believe that he believes that...and even scarier about letting myself believe it about myself, even for a moment.

Do you understand why this is scary?

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you understand why this is scary?

No. Now my post is scary!

I actually called T and asked him to leave me a message today about all of my anxiety around this. And then I realized that what I wanted was for him to magically take away my anxiety so I called him back and told him that, and said not to worry about the message. Because there was no way for him to give me what I needed. I just need to find a way to work through it.

I decided to take it a second at a time. Or a breath at a time. I can let myself be good enough for one breath. Sometimes.

Blah!

Tree....you are doing such awesome work...I know the believing is difficult but it is true you are good enough without ever doing anything to earn it....

I just got an e-mail out of nowhere from T. He said that he is going to leave a message for me tomorrow with his thoughts about all of my anxiety. And he said I am good enough, and he's holding that for me until I can hold it too.

THAT felt good.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

No. Now my post is scary!

I'm sorry!

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm sorry!

No, no...not because of you, Sannah. Just because it makes me feel so "out there" and exposed.

T left me a message today that was actually REALLY helpful. I thought there was nothing he could do to take away my anxiety - and well, there ISN'T - but he told me that that point of anxiety, when I am trying to believe I'm good enough and I get so scared - is where the healing is. And he said to get mindful in that moment and ask myself what is the information that the anxiety is trying to tell me.

And when he said that in the message, my brain immediately said that the anxiety is telling me that the messages that I'm NOT good enough are old messages, left over from my childhood, and maybe not true.

So. I'm going to go and bake brownies with my youngest son and try to watch out for moments of "good enough".