There is a recent posting on f&^% feelings titled "Separation Anxiety" today that gave me a bit of food for thought.

My T once gave me a compliment, said I was "taking big risks" and I asked him to explain what he meant. He said something about how I was really doing therapy or I was engaging in introspection deeply, something like that.

Inside my head I thought, "What you're really saying is that I'm your favorite." And then I thought, uh oh.

This blog sort of gave some voice to my feelings:

http://www.fxckfeelings.com/

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts.

Anne

[skysblue]

I guess I have the 'secret' belief that I am my T's favorite. I ask her - "so, I'm unique, right?" , "no one else writes you hate poems, right?", "anyone else request a substitute T? No?, so I'm special, right?"

She'll compliment me on my hard work and I think, "yep, she likes me". Or she'll offer something extra and I think, "yep, I'm worthy. she wouldn't do that for anyone else, right?"

Why do I want to be T's favorite? I guess I hate her other clients. Normally, I just forget she has other 'children'. She told me yesterday how one client expected something outlandish and I was thinking, "not me, I'm a good child. I wouldn't expect something like that. I will be her favorite."

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

http://www.fxckfeelings.com/

Anne

Oh, and I disagree with the author's statement:

"The truth is, it’s never a great idea to get attached to psychiatrists or therapists of any kind..."

David Wallin's "Attachment in Psychotherapy" explains in great detail and very convincingly the necessity of attachment for healing.

Funny....just yesterday, I realized my desire to be T's favorite is kind of subdued right now. Right now, I just want to be MY favorite. And THAT'S certainly new. I want that peace inside of myself.

But yeah, I used to quiz T regularly...am I your favorite? Am I in your top 10 favorite? Am I in you top 10 favorite EVER? Am I your least favorite? Am I the neediest? Am I the SHORTEST? Does anyone else have three boys? I needed *something*.

Sometimes, I do think I'm T's favorite. Other times, I can't believe I ever though that. And rarely (like now), I just don't care.

Honestly, it's one of the hardest things about therapy for me. Total transference stuff, and impossibly painful.

[vaffla]

I just came back from my session with T, and that is the very thing we talked about!
Yes, I admit, I would like to be my T's favorite. I want her to love me, I want her to look forward to seeing me, I want some symmetry in our relationship.
I don't know if i am her favorite, I doubt that, because I have only seen her for less than a year, and she probably has clients she has seen for years. But then again, I see her numerous times a week, and I am very open and honest with her, I am a risk taker, I know she does love me ... So maybe... I can't even explain why it is important. I guess it's more important to know that I am loved than to know that I am the most loved.

Ugh. Love hurts. I wanted so much to hug her at the end of the session (like I always want to), but I can't because that's our boundary. So we only hold hands and squeeze them and I know she loves me too, but it's so freaking hard to separate.

Oh, and the blog: I didn't like that. I am glad that is not my T that wrote that. She never would have said anything like that.

[CantExplain]

I don't know if I'm her favourite, but makes me feel very special.

A good Mum makes all her children feel like that.

[Brightheart]

I have quite a different vision of things than the author of the article. It really depends on the individual and what they need. The relationship and the attachment, to me, provides us with a golden opportunity to work on our stuff in a safe space. It's one thing to suggest and offer a client new means of coping and working through things in relationships...and quite another to actually do it right inside of the therapeutic relationship.

Originally Posted by skysblue

Oh, and I disagree with the author's statement:

"The truth is, it’s never a great idea to get attached to psychiatrists or therapists of any kind..."

I don't think he's using attachment in the clinical sense. He's talking more about what we think of as attachment in the lay sense, and the kind of attachment he thinks is problematic in psychotherapy. Also, the rest of the sentence you didn't quote I think makes it clear that he's not even talking in absolutes:

"The truth is, it’s never a great idea to get attached to psychiatrists or therapists of any kind unless you think it’s really necessary; we cost a lot, the meetings don’t last long, and we’re not all that friendly, really, judging from the way we talk about one another. Most importantly, whatever you imagine you’ll eventually get from the relationship, like unconditional love or feeling like a favored child, doesn’t usually happen."

Anne

[unaluna]

Interesting blog, I read some of the other entries also. I find myself asking, what does this MEAN, that T and I have something in common, that we laugh at something, that I bring him something? What does it MEAN? Do you know what I mean? What does it mean? What would it mean IRL? Maybe it means nothing, i'm okay with that. I just don't understand the currency of human intercourse, which is understandable from my background, my family didn't interact much with me, I was the outsider. So I don't 'get it'. Is it just for the moment of connection, just to pass the time? There's no goal, no outcome? Am I talking about small talk? Isn't big talk the same? Am I having a stroke?! I just don't get life at all!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by 3rdTimesTheCharm

I don't think he's using attachment in the clinical sense. He's talking more about what we think of as attachment in the lay sense, and the kind of attachment he thinks is problematic in psychotherapy. Also, the rest of the sentence you didn't quote I think makes it clear that he's not even talking in absolutes:

"The truth is, it’s never a great idea to get attached to psychiatrists or therapists of any kind unless you think it’s really necessary; we cost a lot, the meetings don’t last long, and we’re not all that friendly, really, judging from the way we talk about one another. Most importantly, whatever you imagine you’ll eventually get from the relationship, like unconditional love or feeling like a favored child, doesn’t usually happen."

Anne

Well, I'd like you to describe to me the difference between 'lay' attachment and 'clinical' attachment. In my mind, attachment is attachment.

He says, "unless it's really necessary". What does that mean? Do we go into therapy thinking, "it's really necessary that I get attached to me T". Did he explain when that necessity would apply?

"we're not all that friendly" - well, I feel sorry for any client who finds himself with a T like that. He should quit the profession. sheeesh

"unconditional love"' ; "favored child" - if someone goes into therapy and this is a grand issue for them, then it's an issue they need to work out with their T. Projecting onto our therapist what our needs are is useful and necessary in therapy. So, if a person is suffering emotionally because they have that type of unmet need, then having a safe place with their T to try to solve this problem is excellent.

Man, for a therapist to state not to bring in this kind of issue is a terrible terrible statement I think. It devalues emotions and demeans a person suffering in such a way.

For myself, when I say that I want to be my T's 'favorite', it's a kinda passing thought. It isn't deeply meaningful to me and is not why I'm in therapy. I think that the bond we form with our T's automatically makes us believe that we're worthy (finally) and loveable. A good T will evoke those feelings in us.

But if I had an urgent strong driving need to be the 'favorite', it would be terrible if my T told me I 'should not' be getting attached. That is terrible terrible terrible. I hope the writer of this article hasn't made too many people suffer more than they need to.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by hankster

Interesting blog, I read some of the other entries also. I find myself asking, what does this MEAN, that T and I have something in common, that we laugh at something, that I bring him something? What does it MEAN? Do you know what I mean? What does it mean? What would it mean IRL? Maybe it means nothing, i'm okay with that. I just don't understand the currency of human intercourse, which is understandable from my background, my family didn't interact much with me, I was the outsider. So I don't 'get it'. Is it just for the moment of connection, just to pass the time? There's no goal, no outcome? Am I talking about small talk? Isn't big talk the same? Am I having a stroke?! I just don't get life at all!

Hankster - this is my opinion - but what I believe it means is that with our T we get to experience what normal human interaction can be like. If small talk has not been something that was comfortable for you in your life, you get a chance to see what it's like. And if feeling connected was never an experience IRL, here in therapy we can know what it's like and that we're capable. The 'goal', the 'outcome' is KNOWING what human connection feels like and we can take that knowledge out into the real world with other people.