[Abby]

I like my therapist, she is generally very good. The problem I have at the moment with her is that I feel I'm changing how I feel to make her feel okay. She always says that I can be angry in sessions and has never stopped me saying anything, but, I don't know whether it is just me, but she never really knows how to deal with it when I do get angry. I know a lot of the time it catches off her guard, it does me, but over the past few years I've noticed that she either retaliates with words that feel as though she puts my anger all back onto me and then I feel she just doesn't want to deal with me and is kinda saying 'this is your problem, not mine', ...or she withdraws and just tells me the same thing over and over again, e.g. that she is here for me, that she is listening etc - but the problem is I know she isn't there for me or listening because she doesn't seem able to remember bits of my life that I'm dealing with, she doesn't offer any real words of comfort, like 'i know you have to such and such tomorrow, and although I know you are angry at me right now, I want you to know that I'm not angry at you and I will be thinking of your tomorrow'. All I get is, 'you feel alone and can't believe I'm here with you in all this', which is true, I don't believe she's with me in it but that statement makes me think 'okay she is there, it is just that I am completely stupid and can't feel it' and then that means that I'm not allowed to keep telling her I'm alone because I'm apparently not. So I don't say how I feel and nowadays I give up trying to explain it to her, I've tried in the past to tell her that her words are just words to me but nothing changed.

Maybe this is just how it will feel for this bit of therapy, maybe it'll change, but right now I'm in the exact place I've been with lots of people before, I'm talking, crying, telling her all my secrets and not feeling as though I get anything back. No words that make sense, no change to really take pride in - i feel more alone than ever. I know how I feel right now, similar to other times in the past, I will soon just give up and be whatever she wants me to be.

Originally Posted by Abby

Maybe this is just how it will feel for this bit of therapy, maybe it'll change, but right now I'm in the exact place I've been with lots of people before, I'm talking, crying, telling her all my secrets and not feeling as though I get anything back. No words that make sense, no change to really take pride in - i feel more alone than ever. I know how I feel right now, similar to other times in the past, I will soon just give up and be whatever she wants me to be.

Abby, it is so great that you can see this pattern happening... IMO this is one of the benefits of therapy. We repeat the patterns of our relationships in RL onto our T. But the difference is that this is a safe relationship to work through why we do these patterns. Personally after 9 months of therapy, I'm just learning to do what everyone here tells you to do so I understand it will be difficult. IMO you need to take this post and talk to your T. about it. You could explore what you feel is support? What you need? Why you feel what you are getting is not support? The cause of the anger? who are you really angry at or why are you really angry? etc...

Recognizing a pattern of thought or behavior while you are in the midst of it, is "change to really take pride in".

[yang0868]

If you are ok with this, I think you should print this and have your T read it. I think you stated your problem really well. You shouldn't be changing yourself to make your T feel okay. You didn't hire her to help her.

Hmm....I won't expect Ts to remember everything about us but that is troubling that your T doesn't seem able to remember certain bits about your life that is a concern to you. I would REALLY let her know this. Don't give up on trying to get her to understand you. Do you not believe your T is there with you even though she says she is because you feel she doesn't offer you any real words of comfort and her words are just words to you? What would help you believe that she is there with you besides her words? Whatever the answer is, I think you should let her know. It's important that she understands where you’re coming from on this problem. Be strong.

Change is hard to see especially within ourselves. Please don't think that you're alone. You have us here on PC you know? Please don't be whatever you think she wants you to be. Just be you. Be true to your heart and be true during your sessions.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Abby

She always says that I can be angry in sessions and has never stopped me saying anything, but ... she never really knows how to deal with it when I do get angry.

... she either retaliates with words ... or she withdraws and just tells me the same thing over and over again, e.g. that she is here for me.

It does sound like she is having trouble with your anger.

You should raise this with her.

[Sannah]

Maybe the only valid response for you is one that you got from your family members? I would think that you can't feel her response because of maybe a wall that you have up?

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Abby

I All I get is, 'you feel alone and can't believe I'm here with you in all this', which is true, I don't believe she's with me in it but that statement makes me think 'okay she is there, it is just that I am completely stupid and can't feel it' and then that means that I'm not allowed to keep telling her I'm alone because I'm apparently not.

"can't feel it" - this is extremely important. I once told my T when she was trying to repair a rupture that words were not enough. Anybody can say 'words', I could say 'words'. I told her that her words were not helping and so she stopped using words to make things 'ok'. It was then that her actions began to speak and THEN I could feel it and then I could believe it.

Even if her words had been true and authentic and valuable, I was not able to 'hear' her. My defenses were up - not consciously but I 'knew' I couldn't believe her. Only actions got past my defenses.

[Abby]

I talked about it with her again. I think what happens is that sometimes I appear more articulate and rational than I am and she sometimes doesn't notice I've switched to the part of me that is neither of those things. I told her during those times she could talk till she's blue in the face but I won't hear her because it is like another language to me and meaningless. Fortunately she understood, although I'm not sure what else she can do but talk, may be just be there? Like you said skyblue, I trust her more due to the fact she's been really consistant and been there every week when she said she would be, no matter how I angry or depressed I've been. That means more to me than words which I generally find can be lies and spoken without any intent. I likely do have a wall up at times, although certainly not consciously. It would be a lot nicer to hear her words and be reassured by them!