[Lauru]

So. I sent T an email saying I appreciated and cared for her and that I loved her as a person. I was going to just save the email and agonize for a while whether or not to send it, but I accidentally pushed send.

So I hope she is ok with it. I told her, it's not like I am some stalker or anything. Also, I told her how it was important for me to be able to say that because I trust her completely, finally, in the 8 some odd years I have been seeing her. I don't trust anyone else completely, not my partner and certainly not my parents and siblings. So I really hope she acknowledges it and responds to it positively. If not, that is just really gonna suck. I will lose all trust in her and I will feel betrayed.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Lauru

So. I sent T an email saying I appreciated and cared for her and that I loved her as a person. I was going to just save the email and agonize for a while whether or not to send it, but I accidentally pushed send.

Good for you!

I hope you will tell her in person.

I first told my T after about four years and I still tell her from time to time.

Me: <silence>
T: What does that look mean?
Me: I was just thinking how much I love you.

I think its sweet. Good for you! I hope your t responds positively.

[onlymedid]

Oh good for you. I don't think I could ever tell my T that I love her. Even though I have been seeing her for 3 years.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Lauru

So. I sent T an email saying I appreciated and cared for her and that I loved her as a person. I was going to just save the email and agonize for a while whether or not to send it, but I accidentally pushed send.

So I hope she is ok with it. I told her, it's not like I am some stalker or anything. Also, I told her how it was important for me to be able to say that because I trust her completely, finally, in the 8 some odd years I have been seeing her. I don't trust anyone else completely, not my partner and certainly not my parents and siblings. So I really hope she acknowledges it and responds to it positively. If not, that is just really gonna suck. I will lose all trust in her and I will feel betrayed.

You have your love for her regardless of how she responds. I think it's wonderful that you felt that, and allowed yourself to express this.

I blurted out that I loved my T once....and do not regret it. I was getting a lot out of the experience and I didn't really care whether he thought that was good, bad or indifferent. I still don't! It was the right thing to say at the time. When you get to the end of your life do you honestly think you will regret expressing LOVE?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

I blurted out that I loved my T once....and do not regret it.

How did he respond?

[rainbow8]

I told my former T that I love her, in a roundabout way. She said it's not unusual for clients to love their Ts.

I told my current T that the child parts love her. She said something nice, but I don't remember what. I hemmed and hawed about telling her the adult me loves her too. But then I asked her in a negative way, "you can't tell me you love me?" and she said that wouldn't be genuine, but she cared about me an awful lot and I was very special to her.

She did say "I love HER" once, referring to the child part when I directly said that part wants her to say she loved her.

So, I guess this is a warning that it's okay to tell your T that you love her or him, but don't expect an "I love you" in return.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

How did he respond?

he did not respond but I did not care. I am glad that I could feel love for him and say it, regardless of his response. That is the way I want to go through the world. In the end, that's what matters to me.

My T and I are always saying "I love you" or "love you bunches". Its nice when people say "I love you" to each other--no matter who they are.

I, too, have exchanged "I love yous" with my last few therapists. The first time I did this was the last session with one (I was moving) and she gave me a card and this just came out--and she responded right back "I love you, too." We'd been writing "love" in our emails, but saying aloud to someone "I love you" is different. With my next therapist (we worked together for almost two years) we wrote "love" in our emails and then one day I said "I love you." She didn't say it back, which hurt some. I kept on saying it and then one day she surprised me by saying it back. After this, she said it once in a while, though I knew she felt this all the time. With my current therapist she knew pretty early on that my last one and I had exchanged "I love yous" and she said up front that this isn't something she felt comfortable with--she just said this to her mom and her husband. I wrote "love you" in my emails to her but she never did, except she wrote "love" on my birthday card and she also wrote a few times "sending you a loving hug." But then the first time I said aloud "I love you" to her, about a year after we started working together, she responded, "I know you do, and you do know that I love you, too." Even if she hadn't responded like this I would have been OK--I know from the way she treats me and from looking into her eyes that she does love me and I just have to respect her boundaries. We haven't said "I love you" since then (about 2 months ago), and this is OK, too. In short, each therapist has different boundaries, but this is something that they do encounter. For a long time with this current therapist I was thinking, I know you love me, so why can't we say this to each other? But knowing her boundaries (which did change one day) made it easier for me to understand why.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She did say "I love HER" once, referring to the child part when I directly said that part wants her to say she loved her.

You must have been terribly hurt. "I love your child part but I don't love you."

There was a post by WePow where she recounts a dream. She seems to feel that her T likes her alters more than her.

Ts are supposed to tell the truth, but it can come across as insensitive and even cruel.

[rainbow8]

Actually, I wasn't hurt. I've seen 5 Ts and none of them said "I love you" to me. I didn't think it was acceptable for Ts to say that, or maybe I thought it was rare until I came to PC, so I didn't expect her to say it. I was aware of how she said it, of course.

When she told me it would not be genuine for her to say "I love you" to me, she explained that she only said that to her spouse and family. I understand that. I never said "I love you" to anyone except my spouse and kids and grandchildren, either.

When we made my birthday card together, she signed it "Love and hugs" and then her name. I know how much she cares about me even if she doesn't say the word "love".

[scorpiosis37]

I've told my T that I love her. However, I said it in this context: "My friend asked how therapy was going, and I was like, therapy's great! I love T! She's made a big difference in my life!" My T had an "awww, that's sweet" smile on her face and started talking a-mile-a-minute about my friend's comments. About half-way through her monologue, she said: "I love...working with you." I thought her pause in the middle was a little awkward. I wasn't sure if she started saying "I love" and then didn't know what to say after or if she was emphasizing the "working with" part. I figure it's one of those pat therapy responses-- like she's not supposed to say "I love you" (god forbid I misunderstand loving kindness as something sexual)-- but she is allowed to say that she loves working with me. Despite her rather measured response, it didn't bother me because I know she loves me (she doesnt have to say it). I can feel it from her in the gentle, caring and loving way she responds to me. I know the way she loves me is different from the way she loves her kids or her friends, but the way I love her is different from the way I love my friends and my family, too. It doesn't matter to me that it's a love that comes with boundaries and is part of a professional relationship: love is love. Therapy is making a difference in my life precisely because I have a loving relationship with my T-- so the experience feels entirely positive. T has also said she finds the way I relate to her and see her as maternal is "endearing," which I think is the perfect way to characterize it.

[Lauru]

Well.....She definitely did not say it back, which really, I didn't expect. She said I expressed myself appropriately and that I am never a bother, which I said I was. She did NOT say however, anything like I care about you too, or you are important too, or anything about me at all really. She just kinda said thank you and I am glad you have all this trust in me and (the psych hospital/outpatient.) So yeah, I'm disappointed. I think she cares about me. She appears to. I really kinda wish I hadn't of said anything. So I am let down and now I wonder...is she laughing about me behind my back, or saying wow, how awkward for Lauru. I wish she would have said that she cares about me too. That's all I wanted. But obviously, I'm not going to get it. And I don't want to say anything about it to her, because I don't want to be let down again, or worse, feel like a shunned pariah.

[funyen]

I told my therapist in an email a few months ago that I love her. I told her "You are the most beautiful and most incredible woman I've ever met and I love you". I was surprised at how much things did NOT change afterwards. I went in the next week and she kept telling me how normal it is. She said "It's supposed to happen. Therapy is all about you. Where else can you talk for an hour to someone who gives you their undivided attention and support and who truly cares? There's attraction on both ends. It's completely normal to have feelings for your therapist". Yeah, it was very embarrassing. I barely made eye contact. Then she told me how she had a crush on her therapist years before. She said she had a huge crush on him and always brought him gifts. It hit me that, hey, maybe it is normal. It happens. Sure, it's awkward at times. But it doesn't hurt anything. In my opinion, if your therapist is bothered by how you feel towards her/him, then she/he isn't a very good therapist.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Lauru

She did NOT say however, anything like I care about you too, or you are important too, or anything about me at all really. She just kinda said thank you and I am glad you have all this trust in me and (the psych hospital/outpatient.) So yeah, I'm disappointed.

That's not what you wanted, but she did acknowledge what you said. You were heard, at least. And I don't see her response as a rejection. She didn't say, "You can't possibly love me" or "You're not allowed to love me" or "Who cares what you think." She DOES care what you think.

Originally Posted by Lauru

I wish she would have said that she cares about me too. That's all I wanted. But obviously, I'm not going to get it. And I don't want to say anything about it to her, because I don't want to be let down again, or worse, feel like a shunned pariah.

Ouch! You use such negative words on yourself.

I said "I love you" to my therapist many times. The first four times I got no response at all. The fifth time, I got a "thank you". I figured she was never going to say she loved me. I thought there must be some rule that she can't say it.

OK, if that's the rule, there's nothing I can do about it. But I still love her, and there's no rule that *I* can't say it. So I kept telling her.

[KUREHA]

I remember when I told my ex psychologist - although she will be my psychologist again soon.

She totally freaked out, because she thought I meant it in like I wanted to date her way, so that made me freak out and I couldn't think of what to say and what I was saying was making no sense.

Then she asked if I meant it in a non sexual way and I told her yes and then she was fine and said lot's of people feel this way about their therapists and it was totally normal I would feel like that about her.

I probably should have used the word like instead and then that wouldn't have happened

[Lauru]

Cantexplain, you're right I do use harsh ugly words about myself. I have really low self esteem, and I have this voice inside my head telling me all sorts of negative things. And I believe her. She's the me I am afraid I am.

[laceylu]

My T said "mommy urges" and loving your T was ok. I loved my old T and new T knows it and told me old T knew it to even though I did not tell her. Old T sent me a card when my dad died and told me she loved me years later. T's can love too but I guess they have to be careful so clients do not get the wrong ideas and fantasies. Old T was Christian and always told me she loved me like God would want. I have just started the dependent phase with my new T in which I said I would not do this time, so I guess love may be on the horizon. Right now I just need her attention. Knowing that I can have her attention once a week is enough with my complicated trust issues. My littles need help. My adult needs it. Help is enough for me right now.