[rainbow8]

I feel ashamed of feeling ashamed. I'm the one who tells my T everything and posts that nothing is TMI for her. That may be true, but it's TMI for ME! I am ashamed of what I emailed her and the words I used. They are disgusting to me. She will say she isn't judging me but I don't know how I can face her now. I just want to hide!!! I know it's an important issue and needs to be discussed--I almost typed disgust instead of discussed. This subject is so, so yukky for me to think about, let alone talk about. I don't know how I can be with my T anymore, and sit there, knowing she knows what I wrote. It's too, too private. I might as well get undressed in front of her!

I can hope that this is another email she won't receive. But I know part of me wants to talk about it with her. I'm debating whether I should call her just to tell her how I feel and to hear her say "It's not TMI. I'm not judging you. Let's just be curious about it." I KNOW 100% that's what she'll say, so why call? I know, from Squiggle's thread and others, that we all talk about embarrassing things, and we get through it. It's so hard, though.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((((( rainbow ))))))))))))))))))))))))) be brave, little friend; you are making great strides. The more open you are the more T can help you. I know it's hard, so hard; but hang on. you are doing fine. I'm sorry it is hard.

[rainbow8]

Thank you, SAWE. I'm just all mixed up because I was "supposed" to be working on the baby stuff but now this other stuff seems much more important, at least for my next session. But I don't want to go there with T!!!! But I do!!! I know you know the feeling.

[ClementineK]

I just wanted to post and offer that I can relate, rainbow8.

I'm debating whether I should call her just to tell her how I feel and to hear her say "It's not TMI. I'm not judging you. Let's just be curious about it."

I know it's probably of little comfort right now, but I am sure that these are exactly the kind of words that you can count on hearing from your t at your session. If you can, just remind yourself that that is how t already feels although you haven't heard it yet, and that it is going to be okay. I don't know your specific t situation, but if you think calling would help you, I hope that you do. I hope you do whatever it is that you feel will help the most, and that you can find peace until you get to your t session.

I've sent many emails that I regretted. It's so hard to make it through the humiliation and regret until we can hear the words out of T's own mouth that "it is okay."

It'll be okay

edited because I'm still getting the hang of the "quote" feature

[rainbow8]

I reread the email I sent to my T and I feel a little better. I was honest and I don't feel as ashamed. I had a problem with something, I wrote her about it, and now we can discuss it and she can help me. That's what therapy is about, no matter what the issue, right?!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I feel ashamed of feeling ashamed. I'm the one who tells my T everything and posts that nothing is TMI for her. That may be true, but it's TMI for ME! I am ashamed of what I emailed her and the words I used. They are disgusting to me. She will say she isn't judging me but I don't know how I can face her now. I just want to hide!!!

This is the price of email - the fear and shame while you wait for the consequences.

I experienced that when I sent a private message here. What if the recipient writes back saying, "It's none of your damn business. Go away and leave me alone!" I would be crushed. So when I got the reply, it took me nearly a day to get up courage to read it.

This may sound trite, but the best solution is not to send the emails in the first place.

However, what is done is done. You can always apologise. And Ts are not supposed to shout at you.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I reread the email I sent to my T and I feel a little better. I was honest and I don't feel as ashamed. I had a problem with something, I wrote her about it, and now we can discuss it and she can help me. That's what therapy is about, no matter what the issue, right?!

- yep that is it in a nut shell - just damn those shameful feelings that get in the way.

You are doing such a good job rainbow8, I think you are very brave and I am sure your T will think that too.

Maybe you wrote that stuff and sent it because deep down you knew how T would receive it, it is that guilt and shame that creeps in afterwards to place that doubt in our minds, to criticise us, to make us feel bad. I think you have done a great job in showing T which door you want to look behind next.

Let us know how it goes - Soup

[rainbow8]

I'm pleased with the way I'm processing my feelings. I just emailed my T a long email and I feel a lot better! I can tell when it's my Self in charge and not my parts. I told her that I'm learning to trust my decisions more, that emailing her helps me,and that it was the anticipation and the inconsistency of her replies that hurt me.

Then I told her about having good days, yesterday and today! I really like yoga; it relaxes me and almost feels like another T session.

Finally, I got to my issues that I thought may be TMI. If I think of them as related to early development, as in toilet training--Freudian stuff, then I can be curious about why I have them. Then it's not about my T but about me. I told her that on the one hand, I can think like that, but on the other hand, I want to hide behind a pillow and not talk about this at all. I told her I'm not avoiding the baby stuff, and maybe it's even related because it's about feeling messy. Babies are allowed to be messy; I'm not.

I told her that I thought I might have to call her but I know what she'd say, and I wrote it out. Then I said that we have a good relationship AND I'm glad she's my T. ( I remembered to write out therapist, not write T )

I feel good now! I hope sharing this here is not TMI, but oh well, maybe it will help someone else.

[scorpiosis37]

Congratulations Rainbow! I'm so glad to hear that you're in a good place right now. I'm proud of you for managing your own feelings!

Now, I'm not sure if this is too personal to ask, but what do you mean about it being messy and related to Freud and toilet training? I benefit from following your posts and am simply trying to understand what you mean... (I apologize if I'm asking too much)

[rainbow8]

scorpiosis, I sent you a PM.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

... I want to hide behind a pillow ...

There was a young woman in my group once who actually did hide behind a pillow. At one point she said to another woman, "Sounds like you need a pillow!" This other woman replied, "Yes, I think I do!". And she got one down from the top of the cupboard. After that, several of us held pillows during group. It became a kind of game, passing round the pillows before we started. Then we got tired of it, and she didn't need it any more.

The group was working really well at that point. We can all be proud of that.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Rainbow,
I am really glad you are feeling better about things now. You are right that this is what therapy is all about! It's most often the issues that we avoid or try to, that we need to talk about the most!

[Flooded]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

There was a young woman in my group once who actually did hide behind a pillow. At one point she said to another woman, "Sounds like you need a pillow!" This other woman replied, "Yes, I think I do!". And she got one down from the top of the cupboard. After that, several of us held pillows during group. It became a kind of game, passing round the pillows before we started. Then we got tired of it, and she didn't need it any more.

The group was working really well at that point. We can all be proud of that.

I NEVER go to a tdoc appt without my pillow. Ever. It protects my heart and gives me something to hug

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate to shame and fear.

If we make mistakes, it's human.

But that's hard to believe sometimes.

A therapeutic relationship is vulnerable.

I too get scared of consequences.

I have been judged over and over again, esp. by therapists. Continually afraid of overwhelming them.

Billi

[Sannah]

Excellent work Rainbow!! You ARE making progress!!!!!!!!!