Oh Heck NO!!

Ok...umm...stuff has been coming up about old traumas...and finally wrote T long email and asked really hard questions about like trauma stuff...he's a sex addictions therapist and I figured if anyone could answer some of these questions..he could. We never talk about s.e.x. in session...would totally blow me out of the water. He was really cool about it and wrote very caring long replies. Worked really hard on it and sent him final set of questions and responses that were pretty dark. He could not reply and left message last night saying as much and changing my appt until 3pm today! Thus, it looks like we are going to have to finish dealing with IT "in session" this afternoon... like no way this is happening to me...

I'm totally freaked out. Can NOT stand to see the look in his eyes either pity or disgust about this stuff. Can NOT say those words out loud. I would rather have my fingernails pulled off than talk about this... I don't even REMEMBER the safe word it's been so long since I have even needed it! Yes, I know NOW that he is that kind of T and deals with people who have these kinds of problems and more the kind of people who do those kinds of things... I hoped, thought, and prayed we'd get it all dealt with by email...Feel like I'm about to explode with anxiety, fear and shame...The nightmares have multiplied and I woke up this morning in tears...

My horoscope this morning actually said:
You're not quite ready to let the truth be known, but it seems to be emerging nonetheless. What should you do about it? Be sure you're ready for the questions -- not if, but when they arrive.

...I'm in full blown panic mode...need armour..pocket riders, binkies, drugs, blankets, angels, fairies, big dogs, a few lions, celtic knots, chocolate, more drugs, a viking, and probably a straight jacket to get me in there... please..anybody got any suggestions here...I can't believe I'm supposed to drive there myself and actually WALK down that hall to his office...ugh.

WB

You don't have to drive, we'll take the Zipcar, and if I hadn't just finished off the marshmallows for breakfast, we coulda made S'mores

so like there's a big lake/pond right outside his window..so if I go at 2:30 and start a bonfire ya'll will cook s'mores and roast wienies and sing songs and make faces in the window so I don't cry and if I dissociate I can come out and play with you??

Big hugs to you, Wisteria. That sounds really difficult. But you know what, it also sounds like a great opportunity for you to do some very good and important work. Maybe reminding yourself of that will help a little, and help you take a few steps forward?

Either way, I'll be thinking of you today.

whew !!

remember, it's YOUR hour; you don't have to touch any subject if you don't want to.

on the other hand you might just dip one toe in the water & test the temperature.

If YOU choose to.

will be thinking of you. have courage; yr T is well trained to help, whether you decide to address it in person or not.

thanks for all the hugs...I sent him note this morning..telling him I was scared and asking for the safe word...just in case...I'm trying to be brave...I'll try...I'm working up to it..it's just that I REALLY laid it all out there in the emails....ughhh....I'll try. Hugs!

Hi, Wysteria. I can be a pocket rider, bringing big dogs, lions, angels, chocolate. Is that 3pm eastern time?
So as you go down that hall to his office, you'll have angels all around (some whispering in your ears), lions with manes tickling at your elbows, dogs with cold wet noses encouraging at your legs, and chocolate--some in your pocket, a hint just melting on your tongue. And your friends waiting outside by that pond keeping the bonfire going. Everyone will be gathered to support you.
You can do this. You will handle what you can handle, with your T's guidance & help.

It's scary,I know. My experience has been that when I am able to find the courage to let it out, it becomes much easier. But don't push yourself too hard. Just enough... And the next time, a little more.

My heart goes out to you. It is very hard to do trauma work. Esp around certain sensitive issues. My T is also a sex addiction T and trauma T. Your T is prob like mine in that he has heard a lot. And my T told me many times that he only has respect for me. I am sure your T has respect for you. They don't like the perps... but they love to help us survivors.

good luck today! That really weird about your horoscope. I'll be thinking about you. Just do what you can.

***may trigger for SA survivors****

Dear WePow...
T actually said it, "..rips at the very fabric of the soul of the person who commits it." ...
I know I should probably feel something..but I don't really give a flip flying f*&^ about their souls or hearts right now... Has your T ever asked you to see it at all from "their" point of view? (Mind you part of my question I HAD asked had to do with why/how it had happened the way it did...)
Is that part of the healing process??

WB

I have no idea if that is part of the healing process. I haven't experienced what you've gone through but it seems to be to be quite a leap to 'see' it from their point of view when you're still suffering the way you are. But then again, you DID ask T why it happened that way. So, T is probably not to blame entirely for putting such a comment out there.

But once my T had asked me to imagine all the people out there who were feeling like I was feeling and I just told her ' that doesn't help me at all.' So, I suppose you could say the same to your T.

Wysteria, I want to wish you a safe, productive session in which you can discuss what you emailed but only as much as feels tolerable. I also emailed my T something I don't want to talk about today, but will grit my teeth and try. All we can do is try.

Lots of hugs for you today, and I'll be thinking of you!!!!!

Best of luck to you too Rainbow8...huggles coming right back at ya!!..Agrrhh!!! lol (We're off to see the Wizard...the wonderful wizard of Id....lol)

I love it: Just do what you can!

How simple (but not easy) and PROFOUND!

You asked for riders...big dogs, I can do. I work at an animal shelter, after all.

Rooting for you!

MCL

ok...it's over...and it went pretty well.

He asked me at first if I wanted to talk about the emails or have him write it out later...I was sorely tempted..but I said I wanted to try some..so we did. We made it through most of the email of questions and stuff! It was very hard, and I swear there were moments I could feel the lioness or thought of the s'mores and just bore down and kept going. It actually worked! It was raw and ugly and no I couldn't look at him much..and hid behind my hair..but I took off my shoes and stayed grounded and wanted help so badly that it worked. He talked very softly and said he never wanted me to feel sorry the perps...I had misunderstood. He was super gentle and kind and straightforward and never made me feel shame really.

But he did help me understand a LOT about why I've been doing things the way I have and why I react to things like I do. He wants to do some EMDR work on some of it when I'm ready...and helped me to try and make some connections that I didn't understand. Yes, I cried...but it was ok. He showed me how alone I've been with it...and how I need help with some of it. That was probably the hardest part...realizing that I can never fix it by myself. I have to have some help both to create safety and to help heal. That is why things have gotten so much worse instead of better. That hurt. I said things that were kind of ugly and he never shirked from me and he even got angry on my behalf. He asked me if that scared me and I said no that I felt protected...I don't have that anger and he doesn't understand that.

So you guys all did great and I am so very grateful for all of your support and courage today. I said something about pocket riders and lions and tigers and dogs and fairies on the way out and he gave me the very strangest look...I think at that point he was just honestly afraid to ask!! LOL!! I even asked for a got a wonderful and gentle hug goodbye. Yumm. I feel like I could sleep for weeks...goodness.

Thank you all!!
Huggles,
Wysteria Blue

PS. For those of you aware of the DBT stuff...he gave me the news that I also will no longer be seeing the DBT T any more. He talked to him again today, and it has been decided that for now I will only go to the group. T "heard" me and after talking to him decided this was for the best for now. YEAH!!!

GREAT JOB!!!!!! I am so glad he clarified!!

(((((((((((((((((((( wysteria ))))))))))))))))))) you are so brave! this is great work. thanks for sharing.
get some rest now. You have EARNED it.

Good going, WB. Boy, I would have loved to have heard that convo between T & DBT-T. Sounds like your T really delivered today.

Oh, Wysteria, thank you for telling us ...
It was a good session. I am so glad for you.
Lions and big dogs are snuggled up and sleeping, angels are praying, & chocolate simmers.
Day is done.
Sleep well.

Well done! I'm not in a place where I can talk/post much; from another abuse survivor, this encourages me.

SUCH good work. You were so so so brave!!!!

Rest well...you deserve it