So I mentioned in one thread that my T used the word "intimacy" last week in reference to my relationship with one of my female friends and in reference to him. He meant it in the emotional sense and no other, but I immediately felt ill.

So this week, I told him how I felt and we talked that a little. However, I really wanted to focus on this phobia I have about going to the doctor and have that dreaded yearly exam. I know everyone woman hates it, but I panic and have never gotten through an exam without completely dissociating or weeping at some point. Or both. I hate that. So, in the course of discussing that, we ended up discussing the weird and inappropriate ways in which my mother used to touch and "examine" and "inspect" me. We also discussed the fact that my first sexual encounter happened while I was passed out on a date. I feel disgusting and horrible and . . . exposed, I guess is the word. Ended up back with discussing the whole "intimacy" thing because T thinks they are tied together.

I say "discussed" but really I talked very haltingly and he told me he was sorry and the whole thing was not about me -- it happened to me, but didn't mean anything about me as a person. I think I made him repeat himself quite a lot.

Why the heck would I even start this conversation? Ewwww. and I don't see him for ten more days, so I get to just sit with the whole ewww-ness of it.

Sexual abuse is a very very deep and guarded secret for me , I have never "discussed" it with T but she knows. I get the ewwww factor, but your T is right. It happened to you , it doesn't define you and you werent a participant ... You were a victim. For me it has caused many issues some obviously related and other not so obviously. You are no different now then you were before you told T, it's just out there now. Sounds like an important topic you will need to explore further until that ewww feeling can go away. Very brave , wishing you well.

[gashly]

It.s tough when you uncover something in therapy then have to sit with it for an extended period of time. I don't know what to do in these cases either. Perhaps you can also ask your therapist for some tips for sitting with stuff between sessions.

For me, all this stuff was tied up together: the dissociation with the annual poke-n-prod, the difficulty with any kind of intimacy, and my past history of sexual abuse. Emphasis on the word was, although it has never gone entirely away. I started talking about the abuse in T more than 15 years ago, and did so for a solid 5 years. Then I started T again about 8 months ago to deal with some conflict in my marriage. A few months later, I started talking about my history again, after I'd had a flashback during s*x and wept at an appointment with the dentist. No new memories or anything like that, just a recycling of old stuff. My phobia of the poke-n-prod had extended to dental treatment.

Sexual abuse is invasive, and I don't just mean that literally. Its effects sneak into corners and crevices in your relationships even with people other than lovers and in experiences that are only vaguely similar, or only loosely symbolically similar, to the dynamics or actions of the abuse itself. I can get very angry thinking about all of the ways that my history has affected me, past and present. Some things just change you forever.

It gets better, though. Really. And in my experience the only way to get over that "eww" factor and its hold over your body and mind is to talk about it. It's okay however you talk about it and however you feel about it. You can write about it, too. I found that helps. It will lose its power once it's out in the open. I think treehouse said something in a post of hers not long ago, about taking those memories and releasing them into the world-- they are very big trapped inside you but very small out there in the atmosphere. Apologies if I got this wrong.

See if you can stick with the feelings that this raises in you. Try to hang onto them and see where they lead you rather than resisting or struggling against them. Invite them to sit with you and see if that works to loosen their grip over you.

And most of all, know that you are brave to have revealed this to your T. It's a big step on the path to healing.

Anne

Thanks everyone.

LolaCabanna, I am the same person I was before, but now someone who actually knows me KNOWS. That feels pretty awful and different.

gashly, next time, I will ask him for tips on dealing with the weirdness in my head during lapses because of the holidays. Thanks for reminding me that I should just do that.

3rdTimesThe Charm, thanks for calling me brave. I don't feel brave. It took me a couple of hours to stop shivering after talking to T about it. I'm working on just feeling sad for that little kid I used to be. Feeling some compassion. It still feels weird.