projecting.

I am constantly fearing the world around me. Many times T has told me that I project my fear outwards so it feels like it is coming back to me a thousand fold. This past week we T used the words "no mercy" to describe how my mother was toward me. They stuck with me, and last night I drwamt about my mother and feeling memories were with me on waking, one memory at the forefront was when I slept rought for a short while and I'd alaways remembered it as another example of my "badness", but after the dream I remembered how awful it felt to be in her company, her judgements, who having no mercy on my pain, who was the cause of my pain.

Remembering all the disillusionments I expereinced each time she acted "normal"only to be pulled back into her "maddness" soon afterwards, the fear inside me, the fear a baby would have felt dealing with this. I realised how to survive I had to project the fear outwards and protect my mother in a little box. How this was the focus I had on the world around, it became the world that had no mercy, the world that had to be hid from, other people who were a threat. Taking back these projections feel much more managable, I can see that now. I always feel as if a wave will wash over me if I remember to much to fast, but it happens in managable doses.

No mercy. This post, and the one earlier this week, so good, so informative, so helpful. That is exactly how she was. Now it is I who have no mercy. T is on vacation and I have no one in my heart.

Yes, it always catches me and surprises me when I re-realize that things come in manageable doses and growth and progress happen over time, often seeming not to be happening at all. I'm so glad you are coming to understand and work with your mother's "no mercy".

I have a different kind of family history, but I often feel that I expend a tremendous amount of energy preparing and defending against a fear of constant attack from the outside world. It is exhausting to be on the alert and defending all the time. I don't want to walk around like that. When I'm able to drop my defenses, it feels like really being alive-- engaged in my world, living in the present, feeling connected to the people around me.

Anne

It's nice when dreams help you understand your feelings and overcome them. I'm glad you felt it wasn't your badness anymore.