[nicoleb2]

I don't know where to post this. I really don't fit in anywhere

So much is going on in my life right now. I feel like everyone thinks I am just "acting" like I feel as bad as I do because of the fact that I have been diagnosed with BPD (among other things), but I'm not, and I don't know how to get people to understand that.

This time of year is historically hard for me, as I go through anniversaries of the death's of loved ones, and the holidays without them.

Add to that, I am getting 3-5, sometimes 6 hours of sleep a night. I am so tired of not sleeping. I have tried for over a month to get my pdoc to call me back about a medication issue, and each time I get told he has been given the message and will call me back.

My grandma is in the hospital and I am afraid she is going to die.

I am trying to go off of my meds to see if that helps me get some sleep and because I don't really feel like they've been helping anyway (and I'd have to switch as of January 1st due to insurance issues).

I'm having a hard time with driving after an accident I was in a month ago. I had gotten back on the road, but now it snowed so I just can't. (I rode with my sister to the store and her car started slipping and I almost freaked out)

I am having major urges to SI

I just want to feel better. I want the fears, the urges, the pain to be managable. I want to not spend every waking moment feeling like crying.

So anyway... not really any point to this post. Thanks for anyone who read this far though

[rainbow8]

You sound like you could use some hugs! That's ridiculous that a dr. has not called you back after a month!!! I can't believe that!! Isn't there anyone else in the office to talk to? Or get a new pdoc. His behavior is intolerable.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Are you seeing a T right now? Can you ask her/him to contact your pdoc?

[kasva]

i'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now.

(((((nicoleb2)))) if hugs are okay.

i see that you have a pdoc who is not responding....that's just awful. do you have a t? you've got a lot going on, i hope you have people to support you. i care....kasva

[nicoleb2]

This is the 5th pdoc for me in about 5 years. I saw the first one for quite a while, until i was so over-medicated from stuff he gave me that I almost died. The second one I saw for a short time, but she could never find her records or remember me from appt to appt.
Then, I moved to a new pdoc at a different office. Saw him for a short time, till he started talking to me about the personal lives of other doctors (literally telling me their names and what they were doing when...) and he was trying to force me into ect again.
So then I switched to another pdoc at the same office and after a few months, she gave up and passed me on to this guy.
I just don't feel like I can go anywhere else or see anyone else. I've tried a ton of different meds, and not a lot work for me, so I know I am a difficult case, but I didn't realize it was bad enough that I would just get ignored.

I see my t once a week. I have talked to her about the sleep and not getting an answer from pdoc, but never actually asked her to do anything about it, so I'm sure she couldn't.

I called and texted her a couple of times outside of session this week (I am encouraged to do this). I have an appointment on Monday, but now I am scared that t is just going to think i'm being difficult too. I should have just not said anything and gone on with the happy face.

[Wysteria]

Hi Nicoleb2,

You know, around the holidays, pdocs get totally swamped because the holidays are so very stressful on so many of us...I totally relate. But you really need his help. Call every day if you have to until he calls back. Call every morning and if you have to, send faxes so it is in writing...do NOT get ignored.

I don't know why you think that going off your meds right now during this highly stressful and depressing time is a good idea...it is not. Sometimes when we get to this point we start drawing some weird conclusions...changing insurance plans and needing sleep are not good reasons to stop meds. I highly recommend continuing meds until you talk to pdoc and let him make any changes..perhaps he can just change a dosage or time of day that you take a med...but adding in that you are skipping meds is going to make it that much harder to get you the relief you need right now and reduce your anxiety and get you some sleep.

I'm so sorry that this time of year is so very hard for you and about your accident. I hope you will continue to take it slow and use your relaxations techniques and good sleep skills to try and reduce anxiety and get some better sleep patterns going. Sleep can make ALL the difference. It will also help with the SI urges as well as not getting too hungry or too lonely. If you have the tools or whatever...try to get rid of them when you are stronger like in the morning or something so you are even less tempted.

I hope you will continue to try and spend time with the friends and family that you do feel close to and that bring you some happiness. You are definitely in my thoughts..

Hugs,

Wysteria Blue

[roads]

Wow, such a full plate you've got. I sure hear you about the holidays & anniversaries of deaths during this period. I so want to be able to remember my loved ones with joy, but I'm just not able to do that. I'm too deep into this dark pit to function like that.

And now your grandmother is sick. I hope for the best for her.

I can't sleep much either, haven't for several years. I've got the side effects to statin drugs which wake me after an hour or two, so I know what you mean about just not sleeping enough. Does your pdoc know you're trying to go off your meds? That sounds bad. Are there sleep probes associated with the meds you're on? Insurance messes up scrips so badly--I'm forever being switched & don't notice until stuff just quits working.

I'm so sorry you were in an auto accident! That must make it very hard to get on the road again, & especially in winter, which has enough terrors of its own. As I said ... so much to cope with all at once. I know nothing personally about SI except that it exerts a powerful draw. It sounds a lot like my addiction to alcohol--a comfort I could always count on. And nearly impossible to do without.

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I just want to feel better. I want the fears, the urges, the pain to be managable. I want to not spend every waking moment feeling like crying.

This is a battle we all wage daily or, for me and a lot of others, every hour. (5 minutes?!) Now & then there's a bright spot, maybe even a good day. I can remember good weeks, but that's been awhile.

The thing is, never give up. If you do, for me at least, it's over. If I keep trying ... well, I don't know. Maybe I won't spend every waking moment feeling like crying.

My very best to you. Hugs & PM anytime if it would help.

[nicoleb2]

Pdoc doesn't know anything about me going off meds. T doesn't probably believe me, although I told her in one of the messages I left her.

I don't know if I am having med side effects or not. Even if it's no listed as a side effect, it could be for me. I tend to have reactions opposite to what a lot of people do.

Insurance doesn't switch stuff, they just don't pay for it, and they let pdoc know, and he's supposed to try something else, but hasn't this time.

I was supposed to see him one month after my last appointment (which was 5 weeks ago), but the first opening they had was for Dec 2nd. I am on the cancellation list, but so far nothing.

I'm trying not to give up, but things just keep getting worse...

[granite1]

i would definately ask your doc why he doesnt feel the need to respond and if he has no satisfactory answer find a new one .you are supose to be being monitored on these meds and he isn't doing a great job of that and it is dangerous to mess with them yourself.holidays asr so hard for just about everyone.i hope you can be gentle with yourself durring this time and try to remember to take a few breaths for yourelf ok

[ECHOES]

You might talk to your pharmacist to see if you can safely add an over the counter sleep aid to help you get the sleep that you need. Getting restful sleep goes a long way to helping you feel better and calmer.

[nicoleb2]

I have tried several over the counter sleep aids and usually have opposite reactions or get severe headaches. I'm just tired of it.
Managed with no viibryd and only half of my lamictal for the last couple days, so hopefully I'll be able to be off soon.

[roads]

Please advise pdoc or pharmacist (or both) of your med changes, just in case there are some consequences down the road. If there are, you might not be in any shape then to remember just how you came off everything. Just to be safe.

Please take care. Stay in touch.

[nicoleb2]

still on the 200mg of lamictal and no viibryd today.

Have to go see my t tomorrow, and I really just don't want to go.

My friend noticed that I was getting distant and is worried now, so I'm trying to convince her that I am managing and now I have to convince t tomorrow, face to face.

[Wysteria]

My friend noticed that I was getting distant and is worried now, so I'm trying to convince her that I am managing and now I have to convince t tomorrow, face to face.[/quote]

Nicole,

Why do you want to put a "happy face" on and lie to your therapist? You told us the truth. You are unhappy and need help. You are going off your meds at a very bad time for you... You have a lot going on and have every reason to be upset. WHY would you lie to your T and tell her you are managing? Why not be honest and tell her that you are sad and need help contacting your pdoc and need some coping skills and nurturing? I'm not trying to be ugly here...I'm trying to point out that what you are doing is not helping and is counter-intuitive to what you seem to really need. Please re-consider your plans and reach out for help to pdoc, T and friends. The holidays are just a hard time for so many of us, and I know you said your insurance is changing...but there are things that can be done. I'm just worried about you...

Gentle and supportive hugs,

Wysteria Blue

[roads]

Nicole, Wysteria's advice is good. You aren't managing. Harder times are ahead, & being honest with your T--as you've been with us--can only help. You need real support now. You can get it, but not by wasting energy trying to fool your friend or your T.

Please, Nicole, take care of yourself by letting others help.

Roadrunner

[nicoleb2]

I know that I need help, and I know that I can't just go in and tell my t everything is fine. She'd see through it at this point anyway, and then I'd feel even worse.

I am in DBT, so I have filled out my diary card for the past week with accurate and honest info. It doesn't lie. It doesn't let me hide. Because I HAVE to hand it over to t, I know that we will end up talking about things.

I am scared because I don't want to end up in the hospital again. Especially this time of year. I don't want my family to jump to the idea that since I am having a tough time, I need to be hospitalized.

I need help. I know I need help. History has shown that especially this time of year, I need help. I am going to do everything I can to get help from my T tomorrow, painful and embarassing and frustrating though it may be, I've got to do something.

Thank you all for sticking with me, and supporting me. I really need it right now