[mixedup_emotions]

*** MAY TRIGGER ***

*sigh*

After being disappointed about yesterday's session...and at how I didn't gain the courage to take another step forward in trauma work....I ended up having a meltdown last night.

I was feeling all sorts of things...my insides were doing somersaults...and my brain was going haywire....I couldn't sleep....

So I purged in an email to T......telling him how "I know that we have been trying to work on this one thing, but I can't seem to stay with it long enough to accept that it's ME. It's a little girl, and I hate her. I hate her for having to be a part of me. I hate that she had to learn how to feel helpless and ashamed, and to hurt in ways that no child should ever hurt. I hate that she lived through it and went on to be humiliated even more in other ways, ending up in predicaments and relationships that just reinforced the idea that there was a magnet on her forehead that pulled in more of the same. I hate that she influences my life. She's probably the same little girl in the corner, scrambling for safety, wanting so desperately to be loved and held in a safe way - but is too fearful. I hate her...and I hate that I am left with the intense feelings of shame, humiliation...overwhelming fear and guardedness....I feel awful in my own skin. Anxious and overwhelmed. Hateful and ugly. Disgusting and damaged. I am repulsed by my own existence. I hate that this is such textbook s**t...merely a statistic...and I'm sinking...which, too, is a statistic...And when I come to therapy, all I can feel is that volcano that WILL...NOT...ERUPT...it just repeatedly IMPLODES, stopping me in my tracks. I am tired...SO tired of life...I'm embarrassed that I am still so affected by s**t that happened so long ago....F*****g pathetic."

It helped to get that out....but now I'm feeling even more embarrassed that I emailed that to T....Blech.

[doogie]

Sometimes I think the "raw" emails that come from our gut are the more helpful to our T than the well thought out ones that we tend to sensor a bit. Just my experience anyway.

[skysblue]

I think it's great that you sent that to your T. It helps him to help you if he knows what you're going through. That kind of honesty is invaluable. But I understand your embarrassment. I've been there. But it's good in the end.

[wheeler]

Hi ME, I have definitely emailed, texted things I have regretted. However, 9 times out of 10 there was some really good stuff that has come out of it. And the 10th time I simply appologized for, I was incorrectly interpreting something that she had said to me.

Also, my T always thinks it's great, she says she learns alot of stuff about me that I normally would hold back on.

Try and take a deep breath and see if you can talk about it with him/her.

Good luck

[Marie123]

Sadly, when we are abused as children, we have no power....we are all born perfect and innocent...then a person/people tell us lies about ourselves, shame and blame us and we believe it.

Then we spend our adulthood suffering for something that was not our fault. Old tapes and old lies.

Logically we understand that, it is the ILLogic that we fight; that we are not worthy. That is NOT true.

Perhaps you could put the anger where it belongs......on the abuser(s)......I love the term "Restorative Justice"---This is what you did; this is how it made me feel. you might mention that to your t......write a letter to the abuser(s).......for yourself (you can send it or not send it, of course), but the idea is to get out the anger that is so destructive and does not belong to you.

Think of it as taking your power back; it was stolen from you as a child.

Usually the abused (us) spend a lot of time (sometimes a lifettime) of suffering, and the criminal/abuser(s) live their lives carefree as if nothing had ever happened....totally backwards!!

Don't feel embarrasd by your feelings; they are all you have to tell you what is going on and what you are expereiencing. Feelings aren't right or wrong.......they simply....are.
Hugs, Alice

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the support....

I am going to try not to be so hard on myself....It dawned on me as I posted the email that I sent to T...that the volcano that won't erupt was erupting somewhat last night...and I was able to put words to it....I am going to try to see this as progress....even if it feels horrifyingly embarrassing....

[pbutton]

At the end of my session yesterday I was really out of control and unhappy with the way my scheduling was going. T told me I could email or call him and I responded that I hate emailing him; it always makes me feel like an idiot. I think he said something about how it was the fastest way to get in touch with him, but I was all fired up and don't clearly recall. Ughhhhhhhh.

I think your T will be glad to know what you told him I'm sorry the work you're doing is so difficult at the moment. Please don't beat yourself up about 'not have courage'. You survived. You have already showed more courage than you ever should have needed

[CantExplain]

I sent my T a whole series of hate mail.

I said, for instance, "If there were any psychotherapists at Auschwitz, they were on the staff helping the guards come to terms with their stressful jobs."

[mixedup_emotions]

T responded to my email saying, "Quite the contrary MUE…you are finally allowing yourself to access all this darkness which you have never done before. You are making major strides here so this is something awful to experience, but tremendously valuable to go through. This is progress!"

[stopdog]

I don't worry about sending angry or upset emails or letters to the t. I think they can handle them.

I am glad your t responded so well.

[WePow]

Your T is right on track! The hardest part of healing is being able to feel the pain and anger from the trauma. It is GREAT that you have found your voice!!! I think that is why my T lets me email so much. He knows that words are what are needed and feeling the emotions is key.

No wisdom here, but I just wanted you to know that I read it and I identify with the experience (but not writing an email; I'm too paranoid to email with my T). I think it's fantastic that you could write all that out with its rawness and ickiness and intensity-- I think it sounds like a journal entry in content. Brave to share it with T, too.

Anne

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WePow

Your T is right on track! The hardest part of healing is being able to feel the pain and anger from the trauma.

That's really insightful.

At the start of therapy you hurt in a dull, numb, indistinct and unfocussed way.

Later on you hurt with a red hot pain that tears you apart.

And that, strangely enough, is evidence of real progress. That's the desert you must cross to reach the promised land.

[KazzaX]

I would warn though not to send too many of them. I sent 3 to my old therapist and she ended up getting rid of me. Im guessing 1 or 2 would be alright though. Maybe journalling is better.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

I would warn though not to send too many of them. I sent 3 to my old therapist and she ended up getting rid of me. Im guessing 1 or 2 would be alright though. Maybe journalling is better.

Sorry to hear that happened to you! I am very mindful about not emailing T often....and I trust that he wouldn't get rid of me as a result of too many emails. He's so direct that I'm sure he would talk to me about it. If I consistently cross his boundaries, that would be different. My T is not an advocate of doing therapy by email....But he has no problems with me sending emails. Just don't expect much back....

Was that the reason why your T 'got rid of you'?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

I would warn though not to send too many of them. I sent 3 to my old therapist and she ended up getting rid of me. Im guessing 1 or 2 would be alright though. Maybe journalling is better.

I hope that no T would dump a patient for 3 emails. That's ridiculous.

[crazycanbegood]

MUE, for whatever reason that only headshrinkers understand, they want us to get angry and say ugly things, as your T has responded to you.

In my case, I have sent a few emails spewing hate and so wish I had had a built-in bi***y email filter. I know my T appreciates the uh "candor" but I know I have been hurtful too.

[rainbow8]

I've regretted a lot of emails I've sent to my T but she has always been understanding. It's much better now that I know she is not going to answer them. It frees me to write more since I'm not inconveniencing her to respond.

I've written some emails where I've told her I hated her. Others, more frequently, told her that I loved her. Some mentioned sexual stuff I was embarrassed to talk about. When I drove by her house a year ago, I wrote it in an email and I wish I had just waited to tell her in person because I was so scared of her reaction.

I just wrote an email that I'm anxious about, but I'm also glad that I could write what I want her to know. So, in general, I may regret an email but I know what I write is important and is something I either needed to get out, or something I need to discuss more in my sessions.

[sunrise]

MUE, I'm so glad you got an encouraging response from your T.

There was one time I sent my T an email that contained something substantive (not just scheduling issues) and he ignored it, so I never really tried it again.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

That's really insightful.

At the start of therapy you hurt in a dull, numb, indistinct and unfocussed way.

Later on you hurt with a red hot pain that tears you apart.

And that, strangely enough, is evidence of real progress. That's the desert you must cross to reach the promised land.

Wh... what? Really? That doesn't sound good!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Wh... what? Really? That doesn't sound good!

Well, maybe it won't be so bad for you. Who knows?

I certainly don't want to discourage you.

[Daisymay]

Mixedup Emotions, I would say it was perfectly fine to send that email. Don't worry.You were able to express a lot of important stuff in it. If your T allows you to email then whatever you send should all be regarded as part of your 'treatment'. I used to do a lot of emailing my T and I also used to get angry and frustrated at myself, the past and the little girl inside me. I eventually learnt that none of the past was my fault and I learnt to be gentle and compassionate with the 'little girl' part of me.
The other thing that helped me is journaling - writing out all the anger and frustration.
Take care and I hope you will get through this painful bit soon.