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#1
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Hello, while I was in college I found therapy to be a very useful tool. It was nice to be able to talk about me and only me and work on whatever goals I had, and I just enjoyed seeing that friendly face each week.
Since then, I have not been able to find a therapist where I feel progress is being made. My last therapist was a trainee in a masters program, getting her hours, and she is the first and only therapist who made me outright mad about some things. I am going to be seeing her boss from now on, and if he doesn't work out, I will have to start paying for my own therapy which may or may not be possible at this time. First of all, the reasons I didn't like the therapist trainee: I felt like all I ever did was talk. That was fine in school but now I wanted answers and all I ever did was tell her how my week went and I just don't think that approach is for me. I now know that is rogerian or "talk" therapy. The lead therapist works from all the approaches (Cognitive Behavioral (CBT) Family Systems Therapy Family/Marital Therapy Gestalt Humanistic Adlerian Rogerian) The old therapist couldn't understand or accept some decisions I had made for myself. I live with my brother father and niece and have a goal of moving out and getting married down the road. I am not ready to do that and am not in a hurry to, she somehow thinks I will let them use me up until there is no me left and that my dreams are being put on hold. I see it that we are a family and are in this together and also that we are in the middle of what I call a crisis and it isn't life as usual right now. She says I keep saying but and that no one can help me until I am ready so I started thinking, in all fairness she wanted goals and I gave her goals and no I am not ready to work on those goals because things happened that are taking precedence. I am completely ready to work on my life. I think the problem is I originally would talk about my family (lack of help, indifference, etc) which made them the villains. Also even though she tried to be professional, I could see her scoffing at my religion and the lead therapist is a Christian so I think that will give us more common ground. Now my depression has flared up big time and I am supposed to have goals for therapy and I don't know what those would be and yes, there are times when I just want to talk out what is in my head but I suppose I have a picture in my head of what you see on tv of these big aha moments where you find out things about yourself. Why you are the way you are and how to change and become a better person etc. I definitely want the focus on me and not my family, though the biggest problem in my life right now is getting rid of bedbugs which involves a lot of housework and it isn't being divided fairly, and I get exhausted and all, so I do bash my family a lot for being uninvolved so I guess I can't really complain, but I want therapy to make me feel better and it isn't. I recognize therapy can't change people in my life unless they are in therapy also and they aren't. I just feel like I am wasting their time and mine sometimes, I don't know how to get down to the point. Now as I read this it sounds so befuddled and weird and I don't even remember where I was headed but the point I think is how do I start out with the therapist to give us both a fighting chance of working well together, I think he wants me to have goals to work toward. Obviously getting stable again is one of them (I was stable about 3 weeks ago and idk what happened but situational, a medication I reacted badly to, and wham I was suicidal for the first time and checked myself in a psych hospital for my own protection for 3 days.) I do want to talk about if I might have been misdiagnosed and am really bipolar 2 and how that affects things, mostly I just want to cope with the next 3 months (getting rid of the bedbugs and surviving the exhausting work of moving out of our apartment when it gets renovated in March) as well as just making it through each day, trying to cope as best as I can with the symptoms of depression and chronic pain, and still get everything done. As far as I can see I have to have a short goal because that is such a big deal I can't see past it right now. I committed to working out 3 times a week and trying to work on my diet, that hasn't been as successful as I would like so we could talk about how to cook meals that don't stress me out maybe, so I am not eating as much fast food. I am just trying to get a sense of how therapy should be working for me to get the most out of it because I feel like I am being impossible to please and maybe I just need educating and enough knowledge to spell out my needs to him. Anyway, kind of tired now but I would love input on what I have said if it makes any kind of sense. (little does that comes out of my brain lately.) |
#2
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#3
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I read your intro post last night, i'm glad I found this one, I get more now where you're coming from. I think your anger at the old T is really anger at the position you're in, she represents the choices you have to make. If you choose one thing, you have to give up the othe other thing. Economists call it "opportunity cost". What does it cost for you to take, or give up, this opportunity? Both prices are very dear, very expensive in your case. On the one hand, what you already have is safe, but not fulfilling. On the other, you would be taking a chance that you could achieve your heart's desires. I would say, take that chance. Stop using taking care of everyone as an excuse not to fulfill your dreams to have your own life, your own family (which may or may not include your niece). Is everyone in your household living THEIR best life? Maybe your brother would be better off with his peers, in a group home, with more organized activities and responsibilities. You could see your role as taking the lead not in breaking up this little family, but in helping everyone self-actualize. If not you, then who will have the guts and gumption to do it? You have a move happening in March, use that momentum for a big change, a REAL house-cleaning. It must have occurred to you.
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#4
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Quote:
You have to concentrate on only you and pretty much concrete goals to make headway with things, I think. Depression can happen when we feel "stuck" and without choice. But in your case I think you might be giving too much power to your family and, since you cannot change them, that will get you feeling stuck pretty quick. If you want to get rid of the bedbugs, you can try to do that but if others do not choose to help you, you have to do it on your own. If you cannot get rid of the bedbugs on your own in that living situation; you have to decide whether your health and comfort, lifestyle, etc. is more important to you, and find a better living situation, or you have to change your goals. There is nothing "fair" about caring for ourselves and that is what life is. However, I do not know why you are letting others dictate how to divide up the work of eradicating the bedbugs that you feel it is inequitable. You get a say in what your part is (your sheets, your room, maybe doing some of the loads of laundry because it might be easier for you than teaching males how to but definitely not stripping or making other people's beds! You are not a maid!). Other people must clean their own spaces and according to an agreed-upon by all level of need/cleanliness! If others aren't doing enough to make sure the bedbugs are eradicated (does everyone know what they are and how they work, what the situation is?) then I would not stay! Staying will only feed depression. You have to make a decision of what is best for you.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
#5
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Differning views on religion can be a great barrier to understanding.
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Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
#6
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I hear what you all are saying, I really do. I am just not ready to move out, and I see progress in how my brother at least treats me, I feel like I am learning boundaries and making my needs known and giving real consequences if they aren't. I also feel to a certain extent that this is my home and they are living with me instead of vice versa, and the landlord sees it that way as well, I am the name on the lease, and the one she deals with. I have been able to open communication with my brother and I feel I am making headway to making him understand that I can't and won't do it all and shouldn't have to, my niece as far as I am concerned is my child and wherever she goes I go. My Dad is the biggest issue as far as something that is completely beyond me. He doesn't do a bit of housework aside from taking out the trash occasionally or check the mail and 9 times out of 10 that is with prodding. He is only 68 but he sees himself retired from life I think. I am surprised sometimes he doesn't ask me to feed him. I have life goals that I want met before I move out and while there are some that depend on other people I won't wait around forever, I am not that weak, and I don't let them dictate to me. Truth be known I feel like the dictator half the time and I don't like that role, I am more of a lets find common ground kind of person but I find they respond better to firm discipline but I think that is rediculous to a certain extent as they are grown men. As far as my Dad is concerned, if I could afford to, I would be happy to put him in some kind of retirement community where he could get the care he needs (although I think some if not all of his behaviors are by choice rather than true inability to care for himself). The other issue is our apartment is kind of in a weird place right now, as "their" area is the living room, so deciding what is who's responsibility is kind of a gray area, but I realize I have to chose things in life and have ownership of those choices, not just think things happen to me, and I have learned and accepted that. Also everyone is sick right now and I am the only well one physically (mentally is another story but I am doing a pretty good job today at least with my depression symptoms) Anyway, I did have a few sessions with the lead therapist before switching to the trainee so he does have an understanding that I will remain here for the time being and I think his goal is to teach me to live with them in a way that doesn't mean sacrificing all the time. I just get so tired sometimes of dealing with them all day and then dealing with them in therapy, and therapy feels like it should be the place I can relax to a certain degree but I also understand there are times it isn't easy and issues do need to be addressed. (thanks for letting me talk this through)
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#7
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Also I feel the therapist is being presumptive that my depression stems from my family. I had issues before I took responsibility for them. I happened to have been stable for about a year on certain medication and now I have the symptoms again, and need to fight through my issues as far as living and getting through the day, and stuff about me (how I got to be me what are my flaws how do I change them what are my gifts how do I strengthen them, what are the tools in my toolbox so to speak to live the life I want. What are my liabilities, etc) That I think is where I want my focus. I want to learn why I do the things I do in order to try to change what I don't like about myself. I suppose that is a goal in itself.
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