[rainbow8]

I hope this doesn't need a trigger. I am anxious about my T's trip and that led to my "what ifs". I want to turn that into something positive. So, what if it were the last time you were going to see or talk to your T--ever, for whatever reason. What would you want her to say? What would you want to say? I'm thinking of realistic things, not way out fantasy stuff. I posted mine in the "Dear T, I need to tell you something" thread but I'll try to copy it to here.

I am serious about wanting to "pretend" it's the last time we will ever see each other. I want to say thank you for putting the collage I made for you on your wall. I can't believe it's there, still. It's the nicest thing you could have done for me. Also for keeping the bear I gave you right there where I can see it all the time. I want to say "I love you" and start crying.

I want you to tell me that I made a difference in your life, and that you will be sad if I die. I want us to hug each other.

[Perna]

I found the actual experience was much different from the fantasies

[rainbow8]

I'm not talking about a planned ending of therapy. I don't know what I'm talking about. Forget it. I'm just feeling sad. I never had an emotional ending with a T, but I've never had a T like the one I have now. It's not a fantasy; I want to have a discussion like I posted because I never told my mother "goodbye" before she died.

[rainbow8]

I want to add a trigger to this thread but don't know how so here it is anyway.

[skysblue]

I gave my T a long letter today expressing how I feel about how much she has helped me. It is our 1 year anniversary and I wanted to finally put into some kind of coherent shape those words that I say occasionally to her. I also gave her a copy of the anthology that was published this month in which something I wrote was dedicated "to my therapist, her name".

So having expressed my feelings so clearly, it would make it slightly easier if it were the last time - no regrets of things unsaid. I gave this all to her as I was leaving because our session was very intense with other matters and I had no time to get into my appreciation for her.

Later on she texted me, "Hi Skysblue, thank you for your heartfelt and wonderfully articulate words. They mean a lot to me. I'm so looking forward to seeing what emerges next [she was referencing our work done in session today] Thanks again and happy anniversary. T"

This is huge. T and I don't email and texts have only been this past couple of months in which I send a few things but she doesn't respond (as our agreement). That she sent a personal message back to me is so deeply meaningful, I could cry. So, if I had to end, this would be the day.

[roads]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm not talking about a planned ending of therapy. I don't know what I'm talking about. Forget it.

Don't forget it. You had a reason. I think skysblue's experience is a sort of confirmation. I've just had the 2nd mtg with my new T but I'm remembering past Ts & wish I had managed some sort of closure with those when the ending was a rupture, unplanned.

Thanks for the idea of the pretense. I'm going to try writing to the one whose lost I still grieve most. Can't hurt, right?

Quite the contrary, in fact.

Roadrunner

[stopdog]

Why can't you say those things to the t even if it is not an ending, pretend or real? I am not certain if I believe you can practice grieving loss.

[venusss]

I am wondering if this has to apply just to therapy.... maybe we should sometimes live as if it was the end of the world. Tell your friends and family you love them. Treat others in a way so you have to regrets and there are no important things unsaid. **** can happen... and yes, it is probably harder when you never told the person you loved 'em.

(though I believe it is possible to talk to dead.... take your time alone and talk to them. Say what you wanted to say.....)

[unaluna]

I agree with venus. I think it's about whether or not we accept the other person's limitations, or the limits of the relationship, or if we're always wishing the other person will change and THEN we'll be happy and things will be okay. "It is what it is" with everyone I know right now - we are all living to the best of our capabilities, aren't we? I'm not sitting on any superpowers.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Why can't you say those things to the t even if it is not an ending, pretend or real? I am not certain if I believe you can practice grieving loss.

After the recent loss of my dad, my experience is that you cannot. We knew he was dying. I thought I was ready and had done my weeping. Nope. It still sucks. It still hurts. Even if you think you're ready and it's all for the best, the grief still happens afresh when the person is actually gone.

And seriously, if it were the last time I was ever going to see my T, I would be weeping too much to actually talk to him. I'm currently considering hiding in a hole some where and not seeing him again, but then I wouldn't actually have to have an occasion to see him KNOWING it was going to be the last time I ever saw him. And that would be better, I think.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I want to add a trigger to this thread but don't know how so here it is anyway.

All you have to do is hit the 'report' icon on your post. Then write them a message to add the trigger. I have done this and had no problem with them changing the subject line (if I misspelled a word) or adding the trigger warning.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I want you to tell me that I made a difference in your life, and that you will be sad if I die. I want us to hug each other.

That's how I feel.

When I took a break, T and I had a semi-last-time-session. It felt like it, anyhow. We told each other how much our work has meant, how much we care for and love each other. T told me there will always be a "tree-sized space" in his office and in his heart. I cried and we talked about how we felt sad, and would miss each other.

I do tell T sometimes (not just when I'm taking a break! ) how much he means and therapy means to me. I don't feel like I have to wait until the end...and I do it with my friends and family too. Years ago, I heard Maria Shriver say that she had lost so many people in her life that she learned that she has to tell people NOW how she feels about them and that she always tells her friends and family that she loves them every time they hang up the phone. That kind of stuck with me, and I do tell the people I love that I love them quite often. Because I do, and I want them to know that they are loved.

I think it's great that you want to tell your T those things, Rainbow.