[bluemountains]

I had posted on my last thread that I would have to attend a funeral visitation last night, and would be seeing my father/abuser. It was awful, and on the way home I had to deal with a panic attack-I was by myself, and driving. I won't go into the details of the encounter, my feelings, etc. because it could be triggering to you and to me.

I wish I had talked to T beforehand, because she would have recommended that I not go. I wish I hadn't, and I am not sure why I didn't even consider not going. I always do what is expected of me, and I need to learn to change that behavior.

A follow up the drinking and self-medicating, I am getting better. My number of drinks is way down from the previous week. Unfortunately, I am also going from my manic state into depression. These two events always seem to go hand in hand. I can tell that it must be getting pretty bad, because the T says to call her anytime, day of night, if I feel my mood getting any darker.

Now I am looking forward to the pdoc visit next week, because I need new meds. If I can just hold on until then!

Bluemountains

[granite1]

im sorry you were so set back by this great job in not adding to your self medicating and drinking.i bet it takes a lot of strength and i think you are doing so well for what you are having to deal with.when do you see your T next.please give her a call if you need to.

[mcl6136]

i also always do what's expected of me. In fact, that habit-pattern is so bad that when I DON'T do what's expected of me, I believe that i'm making progress. Whew!

I sat out something recently that I SHOULD have gone to, in part because I knew it would be triggering and that I did not have the resources to comfort myself afterwards.

So I stayed home but I usually go...and then I drive home, and I feel totally disconnected.

I'm glad you made it home safely!!!!

[unaluna]

blue, i'm sorry that happened. it is really hard to not attend these events. I feel selfish and stupid for not going, so I don't think it's just about fulfilling expectations, is that oversimplying? I wonder if it would be easier with a friend/bodyguard running interference for us, I feel that's what I need with my family, seriously. Some big dude. Would that be great? "Miss hankster wants you to leave her alone now, buddy."

[stopdog]

I am sorry you had such a rough time. It can be very distressing to run into the abuser and the aftermath is (to me) always a jarring experience. I hope you get your medications and feel better.

[roads]

Originally Posted by hankster

"Miss hankster wants you to leave her alone now, buddy."

OMG Yes! Gonna ask my doc for a script! Gonna lucid dream it so that Walgreen fills & Aetna pays!

You are so cool, hankster!

bluemountains, I guess we got raised in that duty-to-family mold. What a killer that turned out to be. I did break that habit, with much pain, guilt, and work in therapy. I send empathic hugs & strength.

Any chance of an earlier appt with pdoc?

Roadrunner

[bluemountains]

Thanks, Granite. I don't see my T for two weeks because of the pdoc visit next week. It is hard to take off too much time from work. I will call if I have to, but I don't want to. I have asked my husband to help me identify if I need to call, because I think so irrationally at both poles.

I agree, Hankster, I'd love a bodyguard, as long as he has the bodyguard looks and muscles to go with the package

Mcl, I am so glad to hear that it is possible to break away from expectations. It will probably be hard for me, because I am such a pleaser, even with a father who is one of two responsible for my csa.

Thanks, stopdog. I am especially raw now with the emotions because of therapy, so I was beyond stressed last night.

And yes, Roadrunner, I, too, was raised in that duty-to-family era. I was taught to play by the rules, even when there were monsters among my family.

Oh well, time to hunker down and ride out the depression! Forgive me in advance if I post lots of whining and sobbing over the next couple of weeks.

Hugs to you all!
Bluemountains

[learning1]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

Oh well, time to hunker down and ride out the depression! Forgive me in advance if I post lots of whining and sobbing over the next couple of weeks.

Hugs to you all!
Bluemountains

What about calling your t to tell her you're dealing with that and to tell her what happened at the funeral? She said to call her anytime, she probably would like you to do it before you're having difficulty with drugs and drinking, wouldn't she?

[bluemountains]

Actually I did see her today, but it was after I went to the funeral last night. She wants me to call if the depression gets too dark before pdoc appt. I am making progress with the drinking. I drink more when hypo manic I think because it helps to settle my brain when it's racing. There is not much desire to drink now. I'm not sure if this makes any sense.

Bluemountains

[learning1]

I'm glad you saw her.